AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

I don’t understand this at all. Can you elaborate?

You gave DS some money and told him specifically to spend it on himself. He chose to spend some of it on his wife.

You now want to tell him AGAIN that the money was just for him? Why? He obviously understood what you said, and decided he wanted his wife to benefit. I imagine being able to treat her has made him really happy. Do you resent his happiness?

If you can only give money with rigorously policed strings, you probably shouldn’t bother giving it at all.

You can't specify what he spends the money on.

My parents have given me a cash gift before, to treat myself. I bought things as a family we needed - a new tv for example rather than things specifically for me. I would feel weird at being dictated to as to how to spend the money.

He's a grown arse man with his own family am sure he doesn't need a well done check off mummy, he obviously feels the mother off his children deserves a treat too surely she pulls her fair share in raising your gran children!!!

I never really understood why many people were against their mother in laws as I struck lucky with mine.

However, after seeing this thread, I kind of understand...

Of course you are not wrong to want to treat your son and give him a generous present. It doesn't mean you have to give your DIL a present at the same time. However, I voted YABU because you told your son at the time you gave him the gift that it was for him to spend on anything he wanted to. He has chosen to share it with his wife. As long as his choice was freely made, I don't see anything wrong with it. Once you've given the gift, that's it; it's not really up to you to question him on how he chose to spend it.

How much is a spa day where you are? I would assume he had at least $400 left to spend on himself and is probably having an immediate guys night while he thinks about what to do with the rest of your gift.

I can see exactly where you're coming from, OP, and I would be a bit upset that he gets a night at the pub while she gets an expensive spa day - it's not an equal share at all. But by giving a cheque, he probably paid into a joint account and he would have had to say where the money came from - oh it was from Mum. She may well have assumed it was both of them and he didn't have the heart to say oh it was for me.

I'd chalk this one up to experience, but next time take him shopping or buy the gift outright rather than handing over cash. That way he gets 100% of it.

It was a lovely thing to do but he clearly didn't have anything physical he wanted to get with the money and the thing that has made him happy is for them both to have a nice experience. I really don't see what the issue is. If you knew of something he wanted and said I'm giving you this cheque so you can purchase specific item that would be different but you gave it to him saying your proud of him but don't seem proud that instead of blowing the money on stuff he didn't need or want he is treating the woman he loves and who makes him happy as well as using it for himself. Just text back you hope they both have a lovely relaxing time

You've said exactly what I wanted to say but couldn’t quite word.

OP keeps saying this like it’s a common occurrence mum’s handing their daughters £600 for “being a good mum”.

Unless my mum’s just stingey 😂

Then if you did then you get no say in how he uses it. You sound really controlling, and making unpleasant accusations towards your DIL to boot. Also stop saying ‘couple of beers’ and trying to make the situation sound worse – you can get a spa day for like £200.

If either DH or I received a gifted sum of money, we would share it because that’s what we value. Stop dictating what your son should value.

Unless you want to cause problems between your son and his wife, you should accept the situation for what it is. You gave your son a gift, explicitly stating that it was for him, and he chose to share it. You don't have to be happy about it, but you shouldn't say anything to indicate that you aren't happy. Next time, if you want to treat your son and your son only, you'll have to give him a physical gift, a voucher for something specifically for him, or take him out and spend the money right then and there. Or just accept that once you give someone money as a gift, it is no longer in your control how they choose to spend it.

As for how you should reply to your dil's text, you can make a point of mentioning that the money was a gift for just your son, but unless you want drama, it would be better to take the high road. Even just replying with "❤️" would be a better idea in my opinion.

I think your DS will have more money from the gift than you think. A Spa day would probably be less than £200.

If this was your son's choice, YABU.

Now I think about it we actually have a similar situation. MIL routinely gives DH large gifts of cash for birthday and Christmas. She's never given me a birthday gift and for Christmas I get a cheap box of chocolates (same as everyone else including DH) if we're seeing her; nothing at all if we're not.

It is absolutely her right to give her Son however much she wants to, I don't dispute that at all and never would.

However the huge contrast between 'loads' and 'literally nothing' only serves to make me assume she doesn't value me as a DIL or Mother of her Grandchild much at all, so aside from surface level politeness when required I just don't have much to do with her any more. For his part, DH will buy himself anything he particularly wants at the time, ask if there's anything I particularly want or anything we need for the house / family and the rest goes in the general family pot.

The OP's talk of her good caring relationship with her lovely DIL but her insistence that this gift is absolutely not intended to be shared with her is a huge contradiction. The gift being 'for working so hard' while DIL is presumably on or has recently been on Maternity leave with their baby and a toddler while he works so hard elsewhere makes it even worse.

You told him that it was for him and he chose how to spend it. Unless she is a super controlling unreasonably demanding, I wouldn’t have a problem with this situation.

Sorry but I think it’s clear you do have a problem with your dil, are you jealous of her relationship with your so , if not why did you include “I feel deep down that my Dil couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well”! You are lying about your feelings for her, how do you know it wasn’t your son who wanted to share it with his beloved wife?

If you told him that clearly that you intended the gift just for him, then this is him - HIM, not her as it was HIM you spoke to - making a very clear point to you. Maybe along with her, yes - maybe she was a bit taken aback or upset - but the point is that this is their reply, as a family which you are clearly loved and welcome in. Regardless of how you feel about this gift issue then if I were you I would take on board this very clear message in return.

The message I see as - ‘Yes I’ve been working very hard. Who do you think makes it possible for me to work that hard AND get to be a dad to two under three as part of a solid, well-operating young family? If you want to congratulate me on these kind of achievements, show that you actually see what’s going into them… because it ain’t all coming from me.’

You are clearly valued to their family, don’t jeopardise that by doing whatever you were doing here. Gifts are lovely. Gifts which carry a hidden message are very rarely welcome.

For most people with a very young family (especially if one of them is on parental leave), a significant financial gift such as this will be a significant contribution to the family.
It was very generous of you to gift that amount but realistically most families - unless they're already very financially comfortable - would view it as a gift to support the family. It could be a meal out, a weekend away, a day at a theme park, or just everyday expenses.
Even if you'd specified it was specifically for your son I think most average families would struggle to justify one parent spending a lot on themselves when there are so many other financial pressures.
Perhaps if you want to treat your son and your son alone then you buy him something specific he's interested in (e.g. a spa day or a day at a race track or a fishing weekend) and then be prepared to support his partner with childcare responsibilities.
Your son's top priority now and in the future is his kids and now himself. So if you want to get him to do something solo then be prepared to work with his partner and step up where needed so he feels able to take a step away.

Hasn’t it occurred to you that being able to treat his wife to something lovely might make him more happy than spending it on himself?

Perhaps understanding just how much work his wife is doing as part of their partnership made it weird for him to get a gift for his parenting without acknowledging hers so he told her the gift was for both of them.

If you already told him it was for him, you don’t need to say it again - he knows - he’s just chosen to share it - most likely because he wants to.

YANBU but you don’t know, he may have insisted that his DW took half of it.

I personally find as much joy in sharing my gifts/money, as I do spending it myself.

He knew it was just for him and told her about it.
He either wanted to share it or felt he couldn’t say no.

Any decent partner would insist they spend their gift money on themselves but you don’t know the full story and it could have been DS’s idea.

Try and see him without her there.
Gently bring it up in conversation and if it seems that he didn’t want to share it, then perhaps just buy him gifts in the future that you know he wants, instead of giving money that he feels obliged to share.

The mother of your grandchildren adores you. That’s very special and absolutely worth £300 for. Say nothing.

Seriously, how can you claim to like your DiL while claiming that poor males don't know how to look out for themselves, while crafty females are pampering themselves. That's so far off reality, particularly in the context of parenting. All those women on expensive spa days while the poor men are wiping bums and doing laundry at home.

Also sounds like your DiL is putting in the hard work of hosting you while your son is out: "I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea."

Honestly, buy him an expensive watch and engrave it with 'Eternal love from mummy' or whatever, but don't give one half of a married couple a gift that the other half to he couple must not lay their eyes on. That really puts your son in an awkward position. And your DiL, too, although she doesn't know it yet.

There is nothing you can do. If you say something he will probably tell his wife which could cause bad feelings between you. If he ends up inthe middle he's not going to choose you.

Either he doesn't believe in separate money so has said mums give us some money to treat our selves or he's said mums given me some money to treat myself and dil has said that's unfair so they have agreed to share it.

What if this hurts my DIL

Op, you are being very unreasonable. First, your son does not need a wellndone for working hard cheque. What do you think his wife has been doing whilst he's been working?
Second, you don't get ti dictate how someone uses a gift.
Third, why would you not want your son to share his windfall? He clearly loves his wife and feels she deserves a treat too
Fourth, you will ruin your relationship with dil if you make a fuss.
Fifth, they are adults and will so as they see fit with any money that comes into the family household.
You're doing a good impression if a mean, controlling mil if you ask me.

$600 (from whatever country that uses dollars) is a lot less than £600

*still generous of course

Is this one of the ai generated charts everyone is on about? Posters always say the clue is a mix of American and British. This one says a $600 cheque. I'd love to know!