AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

Normally enablers behind people like this. Whole family having to appease their bullshit. Son appears to have his head screwed on straight.

You give a gift freely or you don’t give gifts at all. You told him it was for him but he’s a decent partner and shared it with his wife. Why are you so desperate to text your DIL and make her feel bad for using money your son has given her? You’ll blow up your relationship with them both, just don’t do it.

Yes you gave it to him but he decided to treat her too, that’s not her fault. And a night out can easily cost way more than a spa day.

Let's look at it from DIL position.....
My husband has been working really hard the last few months. He's not been around for the kids as much with everything going on at work so I've been flat out with the kids. I've had no time to myself. My MIL gave him some money as a treat and told him to spend as he likes. My husband booked me a spa day and booked himself a day out with the lads. Now my MIL is saying he was supposed to spend it all on himself. AIBU that this isn't fair. We've all worked hard the last few weeks and we're married and if he wants to spend some on me he should be able to.

Your DIL has two very young children so presumably she has spent a fair amount of time on maternity leave / doing the lions share for the babies.

Maybe your DS is just recognising the fact his wife has done the hard work.

I'd be proud to have raised such a bloke.

It was obviously going to turn out like this. It’s hard not to share such a sum with your family. If you want a gift just for him then you need to find out what he’d want and gift the item.

If you mention this, you will lose the lovely relationship you have with your dil. I'd leave it OP. You live, you learn. Next time (if there will be one), buy him a voucher for something he likes.

You cannot possibly bring it up with your son. You gave him some money, told him to spend it on whatever he wanted to. He shared it with his wife. And you're upset about it?
You shouldn't give money as a gift at all if you're so controlling about it.
Your son's first priorities are his wife and children. Don't try to come between that as you'll lose out in the long term.

I guess he could go off and spend $600 by himself.

But on what exactly? A new jumper? A jacket? A spa day for himself?

As a man, he's probably not hugely high needs. Men generally speaking aren't.

Beers out with the lads is a lot of fun and he'll treat. He's probably honestly not sure what to do with the extra cash.

He could be the sort of man who hides it and sneaks off and spends it on coke and women. Or squirrels it away into an escape fund because he doesn't really love his wife.

I'd say it's testament to the fact that things are working very well OP and you should mind your own business.

The problem with giving money is that people think they can dictate the terms.

No you can't. And if you do, you will muddy the relationship and the waters.

Be very careful.

You've raised a good man. Back off OP, please.

Maybe the thing he needs is to see his wife relaxed and happy and energised and that makes him feel complete. It's not always about dollar for dollar value.

You can’t gift someone money then dictate how they spend it. If he wants to spend some on his partner then that’s up to him.

Exactly

Just to add, buying a £600 gift would be just as problematic as handing him the money.

I would hate to say to my DP “oh, my mum bought me a £600 gift as a reward because I work so hard.” That would be a HUGE slap in the face for my DP, and really divisive gesture.

I think it’s fine to treat your DC with random smaller gifts, providing that you don’t always leave their partner out. But large gifts need to take into account your child’s family/partner too - especially if you have a “close” relationship with them. Giving £600 that can’t be shared among the family makes things very unequal and very definitely sends a negative message.

Reading this I’m doubly glad my mum never gives gifts with strings attached. It sounds rather controlling.

Truth. The son certainly seems to be doing things right, it’s anybody’s guess how he turned out so well. 🤷🏼‍♀️

What's the family financial Dynamic like with two young children? Because mothers can be pretty blinkered about their sons. If i was slogging my guts out raising two young children and not having my own money as I was maternity leave and then my MIL gives a lot of money to my husband to "enjoy" himself I'd be pretty pissed

You're being unreasonable.. My mil gifted my husband and her daughter £900 each last year (postcode lottery win)
Sister in law put went away with her husband for the weekend. And my husband put it in our joint savings account.
It's nothing to do with you what he spends it on and it's nice he is treating his wife to a spa break.

I thought exactly this too!!

So he's having a boys' night out. Whether that's overnight or not, it creates more work for his wife

So he evens that up by giving her time out when he will look after the kids

Early parenthood puts huge strain on relationships. It's lovely that you can give him money that enables him to invest in his relationship with the mother of his children, and in her health and happiness.

Does it help to think of it that way?

And maybe if she's been to the spa and is energised and happy he knows they might have sex!

Sorry OP but I have to be blunt!

There might not be a lot going around, there often isn't in the early years. It's a desert in many marriages at this time of life.

Your DS might be playing this strategically!!

I know if my DH sent me off for a spa break here and there I'd feel more in the mood LOL!

That was a lovely thing to do but they are married so can understand why they shared. If I was given some money I would share with my husband. Would feel mean not to

I wouldn’t say anything to my son about him sharing the money with his wife. It is absolutely fine to treat your son though, so in future buy him a gift rather than giving money.

Tbh I wouldn't say anything about him "sharing" the money with her.

Just hope that they both enjoy what they have decided to do.

It's sad that you think he will have been forced to share the money.

You sound so mean towards your DIL.

Yes either that or he’s grown up watching his Mum behave like this/being a typical boy mum parent and decided not to be like her as an adult.

This. Once the money is out of your account and into his, it's HIS choice what to do with it. If you wanted him to use it for something specific, you should have just bought him that thing.

If either me or DH recieved £600... there's no way we would just spend it on ourselves. We would share and probably treat DC too. Maybe if it was for a birthday or something specific, maybe not, but probably still would.

I do get your sentiment but it just doesn't work like that in a family set up!

You told him the gift was for him and he chose what to spend it on. He’s in a deeply committed relationship and chose to spend some of it on his partner. That’s his choice.

your answer to her is simple ‘you’re welcome’