AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

If your son’s been working really hard it’s probably because your DIL has supported him. Feel proud that you’ve raised a son that recognises this and values his wife’s support.

You don’t deserve a “super sweet” daughter in law. Shame on you.

I know for a fact my husband would have done the exact same as your son. He would have been only too delighted to treat me because he wouldn’t have been able to afford to himself. He would have known I was exhausted and a spa day would do me the world of good and THAT would have made him happy.
The worst thing you can do is address this OP, there is no coming back from it then.

Maybe he has a nice dad? His mum sounds awful.

But did you tell him you didn't want it shared with his wife? You are assuming she helped herself to it rather than excitedly sharing it with her

If you were adamant if should have been just for him then you should have bought him a gift that would have been of no interest of benefit to her, not given him money. Perhaps he chose to share it with his wife because he feels she deserves a treat too. He's a good, hard working dad but that's so much easier with the love and support of a good partner and he clearly knows that. I'll bet she makes sacrifices too, in order for him to be able to apply himself fully to his work, That's how a supportive partnership works.

I disagree that woman are taught to treat themselves any more than men are. It's just that women tend to treat themselves in different ways, perhaps with more obvious material things, like clothes or personal grooming. Men tend to be better getting time to themselves to indulge in their hobbies, or to go to the pub with the boys after work or whatever. Often the woman is stuck at home with the children and doesn't have the opportunity to just decide to come home late from time to time. It's not a competition. No one sex is inherently 'better' than the other at being selfless and hard working. You son clearly knows that, which is a sign that he's a good man.

Surely you'd be happy for him to share a gift with the woman who is raising your grandchildren, who you've praised. I'd clock this as a lovely gesture and a recognition of how well he'd been raised!

Maybe there was just nothing he wanted to spend the money on so they sent you a generic we will spend it on these days out that we were already going to do anyway, we needed a break so bad, you are a life safer to make you feel good about giving them the money.

Tbh dh does the same with his mum. We don't need her money. If he wants something he will buy it for himself so he will pretend to have spent it on a day out with the kids that we were going to do anyway or whatever so it sounds like he enjoyed it because the expectation is there that he will let her know what he did with it. Really it just goes in the bank but that doesn't sound exciting or lovely.

It's not that it's not appreciated but it's not needed and going on a weekend away or whatever just to spend the money so there is something to report back to mil is ridiculous. It's easier just to pretend that it's going towards something we are already doing.

I think no one is wrong here. I can understand you wanting to treat your son but I also understand him wanting to share his gift with his wife. My DH would probably use it to take us both for a nice meal / hotel.

In future, I'd buy him something specific if you really just want him to benefit.

Is gift giving one of his love languages? If so, he will have got great pleasure from sharing it, more perhaps than spending it all on himself.

The pleasure was yours in the giving OP and you were generous.
But I’m not sure it’s feasible for a decent family man to feel that he wants to keep it to all to himself.
My advice would be to say nothing at all as it would be likely to spoil either their relationship with each other or yours with one/both of them.

OP, I think you do need to recognise that the same instinct that makes you want to treat him, as his mother, will be making him want to treat his wife, as her husband.

You do seem to have jumped to the idea that sharing it was your DIL's idea rather than his- what's behind this assumption? Without more it looks a little as though you don't see him as an adult with agency and responsibilities he has freely chosen.

On the "double standard" point- I might agree if they were splitting the childcare responsibilities equally, but from your post (which I may have misunderstood), she's not working for at least the time being. We know what time spent away from the workplace does for women's future earning potential, and that it isn't generally the same for men.

In these circumstances it's both even more a credit to him that he would want to share it, and less reasonable for you to think he should keep it all to himself.

You've been put in the position of generous family benefactor, even if it's not quite what you meant to be-so honestly, just take the win!

Say nothing. Unless you want her to hate you. They are both happy with the present. Both grateful. Why would you rock the boat?

A boys night out could be way more than a couple of beers, that could easy run into a £100 plus if getting food, taxis, expensive drinks and maybe he will have some left to get something with.
If he’s been working hard then he probably feels guilty about leaving more of the home stuff to his wife so treating her to a spa day will help ease his guilt so also benefit him. My husband definitely treats himself way more than I do in terms of both physical things and time away from the kids (nights/days out)

In that case he made the decision to share it with her. Maybe he insisted she book the spa day? When giving money as a gift you can’t really demand where it goes. Take this as a lesson and next time you want to treat him to something ask him what he wants and buy it. As a Mother you are allowed to do that. You don’t need to buy DIL a gift. As a Mother you aren’t allowed to get involved in their marriage (which is what you would essentially be doing if you told him to not spend the money on a spa day for her after they’ve already decided on it).

It’s done now. You absolutely cannot mention this. I agree with posters it will cause long term issues. I would take serious offence if my MIL did that.

It strikes me OP that in all your responses you've written as if your DIL has demanded this share, or somehow wangled herself the more expensive treat. Doesn't seem to have crossed your mind that your Son might have had any say in the split, or what she received, or what he wanted to receive or spend himself.

To reiterate my previous post, if my Mother gave me, her Daughter, a generous cash gift but stipulated I couldn't spent any of it on my Husband I would hand her it back, because I wouldn't take any pleasure from it in that circumstance.

Exactly, and as for... Also I can’t help but feel she thanked me as a, “hey your son used the money towards me as well and don’t forget me” kind of way OP doesn't really like her DIL.

If my parents (I’m female) handed me money and stipulated it should be spent on me only, I would hand it back to them. Me and my husband are a team, we both work extremely hard, I wouldn’t appreciate a gift that celebrated only my contribution to the life we’ve built together.

Id also be very disappointed in my parents if they didn’t consider this before ‘gifting’ me the cash!

Also just so you know I’m in a large city in the NW and my DH must spend around £150 on a night out. It’s not a few beers. I’m the same if I go out with the girls. Taxis, drinks, sometimes venue entry, a takeaway at the end of the night all add up very fast.

Might it be that your son gets pleasure from sharing and giving to his wife? If I get something I do tend to like sharing it with my whole family, I would get more pleasure from that than just using it all for myself. (I am a daughter rather than a son btw)

My MIL gives my partner money for himself from time to time, and asks that he uses it on something he wouldn't get otherwise.

I wouldn't consider accepting any of it from him unless money were tight and I'd expect her raise an eyebrow if I took some for a spa day.

Yes, and so worth mentioning. 🩷

@BySassyUmberPeer YABU

You gave him a gift of money. You told him that it was just for him. That's where your control ends - otherwise it's not a gift, it's a conditional transaction.

He CHOSE to spend some of it on his wife, probably because it's a lot of money, he is a decent, kind man and appreciates the work his wife puts in.

Don't say anything otherwise you'll look like a prat.

Next time, if you keep insisting that it's 'just for him' and not something that the whole family can benefit from, buy him a physical present.

I get where u r coming from OP but u didn't make it explicit and u can't now as it will cause problems. Your son clearly wanted to share your gift with his wife, they sound like a tight, happy family. And your son clearly sees his money as his family's money too.
Cherish your great relationship with them all