AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

You have done something for your son ,you have given him the option to treat his wife as well as himself .
Your action has given her pleasure ,a break from being a mom for a little while and so i imagine he will benefit from having a relaxed (for about 5 minutes !) wife.
If this money had been given to me from my mom i wouldn't dream of keeping it all to myself and i know for certain that my husband would share his with me in the same circumstance.

Doesn’t sound like it. I can’t be the only one wondering how someone so mean spirited raised such a kind and generous man?

You shouldn’t have given a gift that comes with conditions. A gift is something that the receiver can do with whatever they wish. My mother gives me vouchers for my birthday, I use them to buy Christmas presents.
YABU btw. A marriage is a partnership. You have no place dictating rules in someone else’s marriage about how money is spent.

I don't think there is any way you can tell DIL, or talk to DS and risk it not getting back to DIL, without damaging your relationship with her. I think it's perfectly fine to give a gift to just your son and expect him to use it for himself and that DIL will understand if she's reasonable. But as you don't know how their conversation went down and she's already booked a spa day, she'll be hurt if you go back to either of them now and tell them that it was only meant for DS.

Just keep it as a lesson learned for the future and buy a gift specifically for DS if you don't want him to share it with anyone.

I’m sad for the dil. I imagine that the monetary gift was a form of control. She’s arsey because she stipulated it was her ds only and he shared it with the dil. I’m guessing mil is a pain in the arse in other ways too and will be estranged from dil in the future if she carries on.

then will back with cries of “I don’t know what I did, I thought we got on well”, ie she’s been a nightmare and dil’s been silently putting up with it for years and snapped.

Leave it be don't spoil the lovely relationship you have with your son and his family.

So you were crystal clear that the money was for him, to spend on whatever he wanted.

He therefore chose to spend some of it on his wife.

She kindly thanks you for the money, even though she didn't need to, as the spa day came from him.

I'm really struggling to understand the problem. He spent the money how he wanted to.

Unless you actually believe that she is an abusive manipulative individual who forced him to give him all his money.

@BySassyUmberPeer just to re-iterate, this is the ONLY response you should send if you value your future relationship with your son and DiL.

You did a nice thing, outcome not as you expected, but there's always next time.

This has been a learning opportunity 🙂

Couldn't agree more! OP, be proud that you raised one of the good ones

@BySassyUmberPeer why don’t you reframe it in your mind? Your son has been working hard and most likely he was aware his wife was going above and beyond to support him as well. So he gave her a gift out of the share of the money and he probably got a lot of pleasure in seeing her excited about going to the spa and he probably feels that he can keep on working hard and not worry so much or feel guilty about it. In a sense, he still got the benefit of her gift.

I am assuming he wasn’t bullied into divvying up the gift and it was his decision to treat her to a part of it.

No I genuinely agree with you and I would respond to it as I've said.

Hmm. @BySassyUmberPeer I think your approach of it just being for your son could be unworkable. If son suddenly spends $600 on himself, DIL will ask questions about where the money came from - especially if she is providing the childcare when spends this money. What is he supposed to say when she asks? He can only tell the truth - anything else will cause a rift.

Next time, ask him what he'd like as a gift and then buy him the gift instead

You gave a gift. Cash. That's the end if it. You can't control its' use. It's actually odd you are so stuck on this as it comes across as wanting to exclude your son's family.
Surely you understand your son is no longer single?
He's a package deal. He has shared with his wife, his life partner. His choice. It's a bit telling he did so even though you told him not to and that you were made aware your instructions weren't followed. I'd take that as an indication to not be overbearing, which it seems you were (are).
Something else twigged. You said your DiL is a great mum to both my gc. Are you sure you are not excluding her in other ways? I think your son and DiL think so. 🤷‍♀️

Your son is having a night out with the boys, so assume that's a next day to recover so your DIL is being impacted by your gift because she will be looking after the kids for 2 days whilst he is out and then recovering. Yes you gave him money but your DIL is the one doing the extra work to facilitate your gift not you. So not only is she working equally hard looking after the kids so your son can work hard for the family he chose too create, she's having to work harder so he gets a break but she doesn't deserve one in return? Or she can just not on your dime?

You HAVE done something for your son - you’ve given him the gift of a lovely romantic day with his wife after two years of being focused on his children. Your gift has a value to him, and his wife, beyond what you’ve envisaged in that it will help strengthen their relationship at a time when young children and a new born will no doubt have exhausted them both. The say they will spend together is priceless. You should feel blessed he is such a lovely man and so invested in his marriage - you’ve done an incredible job raising him to have the right priorities. I’d take this as a win. :)

The only worthwhile thing I remember learning at school is “ when you give, give unconditionally” .

The problem is if you say something you WILL have a problem with her. You have a good relationship, she is touched, enjoy her telling everyone about her lovely MIL. Honestly let it go. Next time buy him vouchers for something only he likes.

Yes I’m guessing he’s embarrassed by his mother’s excluding behaviour and that she had form for this.

The op says she’s sweet then quickly says some nasty things in the same post. I think she’s two faced and nasty, and ds is well aware and trying to shield his wife from it.

My mil used money for control too. She’d give money and say only for DS, my own family and god parents would give us money to share. Guess who we are no contact with now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

How much money do they have in general? Do they have lots of opportunities to treat themselves?

Because if not, a £600 gift will be a really big deal.

I know there is absolutely ZERO chance that I’d spunk £600 on treating myself and leave my DP with our usual breadcrumbs for treats, especially as he works as hard as me.

Ypu say your DIL is sweet but you’ve also used words like “demanded” - it sounds as if there’s an undercurrent of resentment from you towards her OP even if there’s nothing you can specifically moan about because she’s a nice person.

Your son sounds like a lovely partner. If it were the other way around and DIL shared a gift so DS could treat himself, wouldn't you think that was nice?

You gave dc the money it's up to him what he does with it. Gifts shouldn't come with strings.

It’s great your son shared a gift with his wife. It’s strange that you don’t think he should have. What is their working situation? Both full time and equally dividing domestic tasks? If
my husband declared his parents had given him a sum of money to go and enjoy himself, as equal partners, I wouldn’t be impressed if he was selfish with it. A family unit contributes equally and shares the wins equally. It’s really nothing to do with you at all!

I understand what you're saying.

If he chose to pay for a lovely meal out or a weekend away for him and your DIL then that's one thing, but you weren't planning on funding a spa session for your DIL.

It sounds very much from the message that the money has been split in half with each party deciding what they will spend their share on, rather than greedy, demanding <but sweet> DIL hogging most of it and letting her poor downtrodden hubby have a few cans of Tennants.

My DPs give me cheques. Unless it's specifically for my birthday or Christmas and in a card, I treat it as joint money as DH and I are a financial team.

Maybe the best gift you can give him is a wife that feels valued too?

Whatever your intention and how it may have differed in execution, there is nothing to be gained from pointing it out.

All you'll do is cause a rift and it will be you who loses out.

Next time you'll have to buy him something having sussed out what he'd like.

For now just reply 'that sounds lovely'. And some words about hoping they enjoy it. Anything else is making trouble where you currently don't have it.