AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

'My son has been working hard lately'

Does your son work for the family business / are you his employer ?

otherwise why would you be giving him a present for working ' hard ' and how do you know he was working hard.

He is no longer a child that needs a pocket money rise nor does he get his pocket money from you in return for chores etc.

He is an adult now, and how he chooses to spend his monetary gifts is up to him. You ' gifted ' it to him, you didn't explain that he had to spend it in a way you approve of.

It's ' interesting ' that it is dil that thank you, does dil do all the ' life admin ' for herself and him ?

I wonder why he didn't text his thanks.

Surely the perfect MN opening for "cancel the cheque"?

You can’t tell your son what to spend the money on and you also don’t know how the conversation went down between him and his wife. He could have said, ‘hey Alice, my mum gave me £600, do you want to do something with some of the money?’

Maybe he didn’t feel right spending the whole amount on himself. I’d also say the same if your DC was a woman and she spent some of the money on her husband. It’s clearly their choice no?

YABU I think I'd be delighted that it wasn't just added to the pot and spent at Tescos and filling the car up with fuel!

I did

@BySassyUmberPeer you need to remember than when a young couple have young children and only one earner anything extra is a bonus for all of them. your son is working overtime which leaves your dil also working overtime with a toddler and a baby. if it wasnt for your gift then dil wouldnt be having a break at a spa and son might not be going on a guy's night.

Sorry the quote didn't work.

The point that a mother would expect to be able to give a one-off special gift to her daughter

If your son is working hard, then so is your DIL, likely taking on more of the childcare / household stuff, and maybe he wants to treat her. If my son shared some unexpected cash with his wife, I'd be really proud of him.

So he has chosen to share the gift with his wife then?

Uh—obviously if you text your DIL and shit all over her thank you note by telling her you think she is a grabby bitch that is going to affect the relationship going forward.

Do you really need mumsnet to point this out to you?

The reason I ask is that you really seem determined to insert yourself into your son’s marriage 1st by “rewarding “ him and flattering him by monetizing your (natural) parental pride in him and second by criticizing him for living out the very values you are supposedly rewarding. You want to praise him for being a good man. And instead of selfishly spending it all on himself he literally demonstrates that this is true by treating his wife—good family man that he is! What, exactly, is the problem here?

This.

But if the dd chose to share the gift with her DH that would be her right?

' Dan and I have been exhausted lately '

btw the dil has clearly been ' working ' hard too.

is she a stay at home mother, or does she have a part time job or...a even a full time job

All of this.

OP's wide-eyed disingenuousness is getting tired.

What did he say?

I think you have to let this go. There's no way that you can come out of it not looking bad unless you just graciously tell them both to enjoy their respective treats. You're tarring something that should have been nice, and surely you should be pleased that both of them get a treat thanks to your generosity.

Ok. So if my mum took me (F) out for a spa day, that would be ok. My partner (M) would do his own thing. If his mum took him out for lunch that would be ok. I’d do my own thing.

If either parent were to send a gift of money, it would be up to the recipient what they did with it. If neither of us had an emergency like the car just exploded unexpectedly, I would imagine we would put it towards our joint savings for property repairs or holidays. Or go out for a meal together or something. If I were gifted some money and there was nothing else pressing, I’d absolutely want to share with my OH what I spent it on, because we love each other and we’re a team.

Your posts come across as shielding a rather unpleasant attitude towards your DiL, even if you call her sweet you also accuse her of not allowing her H to keep a gift without demanding a big part of it. Those two descriptions don’t add up, they can’t both be true. Either she is sweet or she’s grasping.

There was a similar thread a few weeks ago with a MIL who didn’t want to include her DiL in the offer to buy things at a yard sale, and who resented her DiL taking part in their pregnancy announcement. Both this OP and that one had similar complaints about their DIL. I wonder if they’re the same person!

He is a grown man and you are treating like a child. Why should he not work hard for himself and his family. You are past the age of rewarding him, patting on the head and saying ‘good boy’. Your subsequent posts scream of jealousy of his wife and their relationship.

MN is full of the problems of MiLs who can’t let go of their married sons. Stop trying to muscle in between them.

Is it definely “just a few beers” that he’s using it for? Only my partner often has a boys night and they do something like paintballing, the F1 arcade, football/rugby match etc. Are you assuming it’s just a pub/night in or do you actually know? Only perhaps they are doing something more exciting and he’s just told DIL to spend the amount left over on herself?

Why can’t a mother do the same for her son and celebrate his fatherhood?

Why can't you celebrate raising a great son who is both a fantastic Father and Husband ? After all the reason he is both is probably largely down to you

You can’t gift someone money then dictate how they spend it. If he wants to spend some on his partner then that’s up to him.

It’s absolutely fine to buy him a physical gift and not your DIL. This is what you should do next time. Or you could get him a gift card if there’s something he enjoys like gaming etc.

You are being ridiculous acting as though she is rubbing it in your face because she messaged you thanking you. If she is as nice a person as you say she is then she was just being polite.

I’d never be able to spend several hundred on things for myself without treating my husband. So I get their point.

Perhaps you could message him and say “it’s great X is going to a spa and that you’ve shared my gift. I really hope that YOU have got something special arranged for yourself too, because that’s what I wanted”.

I don't think it's worth saying anything now, and none of us know whether he willingly offered her some or whether he told her and she demanded some; nothing to indicate it wasn't the former. When you give money you can't ever be sure where it will be spent, if you really wanted him to have something and not have any choice in how it was spent then get a physical thing or take him shopping.