To think no one will come to 16 yo bday party

[Florence19791]

DD will be turning 16, she does have any friends but wants to invite some people from school (small class of 5) and from her dance class. We’ve had a look and one place (party boat) does 30 and we could invite the entire dance school and class and hopefully some will come or another place does 10 (trampolining) and we could invite class plus 5 dance friends but would be obvious if no one turns up. WWYD? Any other party ideas welcome. She’s young for her age but wants to fit in too

Sorry, just ignore my above post. Just seen your most recent post.

I hope this doesn’t come across as mean but I remember when I was at school a girl with few friends hosted a massive birthday at her house and invited the whole year (80 people), rang up everyone the day of to ask if people were coming and very very few people turned up sadly. There was also a lot of gossip about it as teens can be so thoughtless at times. I really think a family thing would be better.

Is there a dance class WhatsApp OP for parents op that you could post the invite on? Would it be possible to have the party after the dance class so that the children are going from the class to the party, even in your house for pizza?

Poor DD. I get that the party is now a fixation, and it's "what people do", and she wants to be "normal" but I think it's kind to say no here. It also doesn't help that her classmates are maybe unlikely to come to a party because of their own anxiety issues.

I wonder if you could message the parents of her classmates and find out if there's a kind of celebration they might be comfortable attending? It may be that none of them would ever come to a party at someone's house, but it also might be that some of them would come to eg a restaurant meal. Or could she team up with a classmate in the same position with a close ish birthday?

It might also help her to know that it's not an unusual experience to not have massive birthday parties. I think I had six friends at my 16th and maybe 15 at my 18th (at my parent's house). Teen movies etc make it look like everyone is having huge parties but I don't think that's really the case.

I think it is really risky to organise either and run the high risk of no one showing up.
Maybe better to disappoint her now by saying no to a party than have her much more disappointed at people not showing up on her birthday.

Oh I just read the update and class sizes. If shes at a normal large school with 30 kids per class then a large party could be even worse. Teenage girls at that age can be absolutely horrible. Even if they do come then they are unlikely to magically let her into their friendship group after. They couod turn up with boyrfriends, friends of friends, booze. Im thinking to some of the large parties we had at that age and it was usually when the parents were out, everything got trashed and there were all sorts of random people there. The birthdays of my sensible friends they were always small affairs with a few people invited, some hooch and music. The parties where everyone was invited were absolutely insane. I would never allow one in my house.

We recently did Laser Combat - it was a public session where random people booked together and you were split into teams. We booked a session where a good number had booked already. They also cancelled if fewer than eight, so going for a time with a good number booked meant it wouldn’t get cancelled. In the end there were about 25 of us from five groups and we had a fab time.

Could you look to see if there is something like that around you? If would give the feeling of being part of a group activity if she feels she needs that for a party, without worrying about disinterested acquaintances showing up. My late teens loved it.

What about something with just family - day out at the zoo, 2 days to Paris Disney, shopping trip with you to Meadowhall/Bluewater etc, dinner out somewhere nice with just family.

It is a real shame for your daughter that she doesn't have any friends - but if I were you I wouldn't book either of these things.

Trampolining is too young and the party boat might look like she is trying to 'buy' friends.

Oh gosh that sounds difficult. How about a family trip, weekend away? And maybe try to help her find new groups or activities to join to try and find more friends

In that case, I'd make up an excuse such as not being able to afford a big party, but give her a couple of lower key choices which have been suggested here.
It would be cruel to allow the party and probably cruel to spell out exactly why you can't allow it, so soften the blow with a lie. Kinder you pretend it's your choice rather than go along with what she wants only to be crushed by expectations not meeting reality. Especially since she suffers anxiety.

If you pick a desirable party then people will come even if your dd is more of a classmate than a friend. Can she ask the classes above and below as well maybe?

Does she engage at all with the the dance people? It might be easier to structure something from that which is a bit more low key - like going for pizza after class etc

Or do something slightly related to that hobby - are there any cool dance groups or anything they might all want to see, where you could plan an outing for the group with a meal after?

If she's at the school due to anxiety do a lot of the peers suffer similarly?

If so making it more low key might help. If its something they will all find difficult it will never get off the ground

Feel for your DD, mine also struggles with friendships and anxiety and just the general nastiness between kids nowadays.

Trampoline is a no-go at 16, mine went with some friends at the weekend (they are 12) and think they are about to out-grow it already.

The party boat sounds amazing and would be - if she had friends (sorry). It might be tempting enough that some kids will turn up to it if invited but you could be opening yourself up to them sticking with eachother and ignoring DD, bringing their friends, alcohol etc. Or just not turning up.

I'd either try invite a few dance friends to a meal or try think of something you could do together, something she'd really love that would help put the party idea out of her head. A spa day, a show (dance related?), a night in a fancy hotel, a lovely meal out, shopping/make over (hair, nails) etc

The OP has said she doesn’t have any friends

My ASD DD turned 16 last week.
My DSS is 18 this week.
Neither have lots of friends & didn't want to do much for their birthdays.
We offered to hire a room for a small party but they didn't want to invite friends. I have a large family - 4 DCs, 3 of whom are grown up, 10 DGC & 4DGGC. Plus neices & their partners. We don't all fit in our house anymore, unless it's summer & we can spill into the garden.
So we hired a room for a family tea party, some family & godparents couldn't make it, but we did have 30 people & DC enjoyed it.
DD also went for a meal with her best friend on the Sunday, on her actual birthday she wanted to be with me & DGS,2, so we went to the coast with him & my eldest DD. That night me, DD, DSS & DH went for a meal. On the Tues we went for lunch with her older brother & he took her shopping.
On the Thurs she went bowling with 5 school friends. Then it was the tea party on Saturday.
I'm glad I didn't push them for a party with friends, as they don't have many & if people just hadn't turned up it would have been embarrassing for them.
But my DDs celebrations give you an idea of some things you could do. However, if no-one turned up for Halloween I'd gear your celebrations towards family. Or maybe just you & DD doing something really special together.

It’s likely her classmates didn’t attend your Halloween evening because of their own needs, worries, and anxieties - so a birthday party would also be unmanageable for them.

Can you speak with your daughter about why she wants a party? It’s probably because she feels it’s the ‘normal’ or expected thing to do. If she genuinely likes her classmates, perhaps she could find out if they have any similar interests that you could arrange an activity around? Most posters here have said a trampolining party is too young, but if they are sensory seeking or also emotionally younger than their age, they may enjoy it!

Your DD could also take cake to her dance class? Chat to the teacher, see if they will pop some balloons up before the lesson? Make it special, but piggyback on the dance lesson so you know people will turn up?

This. Separate celebrating her birthday from helping her build friendships.

I’d be wary of a party boat at that age. No idea, just a gut feeling.

Trampoline park then pizza.

By herself?

right. we struggle to find OUR people, but when we find them, it's an amazing friendship. usually other NDs with the same special interests. I was in my teens when I met my now best friend for over 30 years, because we were both the unpopular wierdos who would go to the library and read at lunchtimes. got talking about what books we were reading, and have been great friends ever since. she's more into sci fi, I'm more into fantasy, nature and horror. but our geekiness fit well together, and we always had a great time, and help encourage each other to try days out the other might not have chosen, so we expand each others experiences too. a lot of ND girls don't really find their friendship group until they get older, and SO many of the people I've automatically got on with in adulthood then had a late diagnosis.
we'd probably all describe ourselves as introverts, but get us in a group with like minded people and we won't shut up.

Why don’t you take them all out for dinner!!

This is what I was going to suggest, talk to the teacher ahead of time and bring out a cake with candles and everyone says "Surprise!" and sings happy birthday at the end.