Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

It’s incredibly unlikely hundreds of people are involved in his day to day life Mickey.

You think that someone who has been ignored during their childhood should start chasing the person who ignored them for contact? You don't set yourself up for the rejection again. She disappeared from his life. We don't know how that was explained, but either way that hurts at 10, to lose a relative. 10-18 is when you really could do with older, stable siblings. What sort of person dissappears out of a child's life? Why do they later have the right to demand to be treated as a sister?

She disappeared from his life. We don't know how that was explained, but either way that hurts at 10, to lose a relative. 10-18 is when you really could do with older, stable siblings. What sort of person dissappears out of a child's life? Why do they later have the right to demand to be treated as a sister?

Um, because her mother was abusive towards her? I'm baffled about why PPs don't clock this basic thing.

@Eveningonly was being abused by her mother; her brother was not, but might have observed or noticed the abuse. Or may not have. Or may have swallowed his mother's story (and the rest of the family's, presumably) that it was the OP who was in the wrong and scapegoated.

Why aren't people seeing the whole picture?

So you didn’t get an invite at first and that was ok but now you have an evening only invite and you are upset?
You made yourself the distant relative when you didn’t visit him and now he’s returning the gesture.
Im getting married next year and I’m prioritising people who have made an effort in our lives as opposed to people who feel entitled to attend because of family status.

You're hurt about the appearance of an evening only invitation, but not about your lack of relationship. Him not attending your wedding should have flagged this up to you, whenever that was. You say him not attending was his choice, but this is also his choice.

Maybe he sent the wrong invite, just check with him then he'll explain I guess.

Swallow your pride and go to the evening party,.....or if your really angry, don't go at all...think about future repercussions though, I wonder if there's a third party involved, 🤔.....and if you are close to your Brother, ask him who suggested you are only invited to the evening party but timing of this confrontation is key....you've some thinking to do.Good luck.

Just talk to him?

The discussion you’re having in this thread, in which you sound thoughtful and reflective and open, can you not have with your brother? Invite him to dinner. Use this wedding invitation as a prompt to turn the page and reset your relationship as adults?

And this, double check you got the right invitation! As it is a surprising thing so reasonable to ask.

I wouldn't bother going. I try and avoid weddings these days it costs so much as they are usually at an hotel and you have to travel and arrange a room plus the gift. Buying new clothes etc etc. Just send him a gift card and wish him luck. Last wedding I went to I could have paid for a holiday abroad for a week for 4!

But you say you left home and afterwards barely saw him when he was 10/11. That's primary school age. You were the adult who would be the one to initiate contact with him as he was a child. If you did not do that, would you then expect him to as he got older?
Day invitation to weddings are for the people you dearly love and are close to, I thought.

Good grief. You hardly know the man (and I say that because you may have known him a bit as a child). He can invite who he wants to what he wants. It isn't your place to dictate. You live miles away. Don't go. You don't seem to bothered about his attendance at yours. You have made no effort to keep in touch. Instead of moaning, resolve to build a better relationship going forward. If you can't be bothered to do that,then accept that you are not important to each other.

To suggest evening only invitations are rude is ridiculous! I’ve been to several weddings as an evening only guest and enjoyed myself - generally work colleagues and friends that have had small weddings, and that is fair enough; weddings are bloody expensive.

That said it’s a bit off to only ask a sibling to an evening do. Maybe he has a lot of close friends and relatives that he (and his fiancé) are a lot closer to? My children have older step siblings that they haven’t lived with, and I would be really surprised (and disappointed) if they did this. We do have holidays and celebrations together though.

Maybe time to make a bit more effort at a relationship with him?

I dont mind an evening invite. B list guest means don't have to go shopping for a pressie or give money. It's just a numbers bump.

I wouldn't be offended. Sometimes you just need to be thankful for any joy. The evening should be fun. Weddings are soooo expensive. Just enjoy the time you have to celebrate 🍾
Find a lovely outfit and have a great time
All the best ❤

Looking at where the relationship is at as opposed to the biological connection, I think it makes sense. It sounds like you get on, bit aren't closed and probably don't know a lot about each other, even in a superficial way. That doesn't mean it doesn't feel rubbish, but I think it's more the lack of closeness that the invite signifies than the invite itself that I would be upset about. If you'd like a closer relationship it sounds like it's something you need to work on.

Are you close and do you both contact each other a lot ie phone calls, FaceTime, email or invite each other over for Sunday lunch etc? It is different, but do you both make an effort and not just civil when you get together at joint family events?

I would take this as a positive and use this opportunity if you feel you would like to build a relationship invite him and his new wife over for Sunday lunch day 2 months after the big day. Maybe a RSVP with an additional invite to them. Maybe they have a huge close friendship base and found it hard to fit everyone in.

wear a lovely outfit, get a lovely gift and enjoy the evening.

I think it is a little unfair to assume OP hasn't made much effort. The situation sounds delicate and awkward, and as older sister to a younger brother with almost exactly the same circumstance as the OP, I felt as though any interactions with my brother would make him feel 'in the middle' of mine and DM's feud and put him in an awkward position. Brothers are also difficult to navigate emotionally as very often they are less sentimental and too much 'effort' could come across as forced and unwanted/overbearing. I feel for you OP, I would 100% be disappointed if my brother did this to me but equally, I would understand that our relationship has naturally suffered - however this is not necessarily your 'fault'. It just is what it is :( I am only now (at age 34, brother now 21!) slowly trying to mend our relationship in adulthood. Baby steps...I embarrassingly have even pretended to require help fixing my bike just to get him in a room with me for a few hours...it worked, he felt like the helpful brother and I got to 'get to know him' without putting him in a lunch date 'hot seat' which would have been waaaay to intense for him!

I'd not be going. You invited him to your wedding and he declined. I wouldn't be turning up as an also ran in the evening.

I would be upset by this too. Especially if it’s never been awkward for you.

Maybe you could have a delicate but open conversation with him about it?

Hey [insert name], thanks so so much for the wedding invite, I am so excited and looking forward to celebrate with you both!
However, I can’t help but be upset slightly that as your sister I am invited to the evening. I’m sure you have a great explanation for this and maybe I’m just being silly! I don’t want to cause you guys any stress, just genuinely wondered if I may have done something? Or is it a budget thing?

really when she left she was young herself and in survival mode, probably just desperate to escape and not thought about him. Really we don’t know the details, but her mother doesn’t sound great. Really she’s drove them apart.

It appears you have been avoiding conflict for a long time or at least avoiding tough conversations. He may be doing the same. Maybe your Mum didn't develop a bond between you both in some way. There is something unsaid or not being said.