Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

I'd probably be a bit hurt too but it is what it is.

I would be very hurt by this, especially as it seems like an afterthought.
What does your mother say?

I’d be hurt too

I'd be disappointed. It doesn't appear you've nade much effort to sustain the relationship with him, so I guess he doesn't feel close to you? But yes it stings

Sounds like you have become the default 'distant relative' families are weird. Last time I saw my brother was his wedding. He had two kids ages 21 and 18 who I have never seen. We didn't fall out just not bothered to keep in touch. Sorry it makes you sad though

I would be hurt but looking at it objectively, it sounds like you have no relationship and barely see each other so I also see it from his perspective. You’re siblings in name only.

I’d be hurt too - but, gently, is it possible that he feels hurt by your absence from his life (and perhaps 11 years olds aren’t able to understand adult relationships)? And this is an expression of his feeling abandoned (which I recognise isn’t what you did - but could be what he experienced)?

Hurtful but not surprising considering your relationship with him.

Agree a bit strange from a sibling, even if not that close.

My general policy on evening-only invitations for weddings is that they are rude and I wouldn’t go.

Insane to organise a party and then invite some people only for a bit at the end after the meal.

But it sounds like you made no effort to be a sister to him.

If he's closer to your mum and he is to you, perhaps he feels that you've hurt her in the past.

This is how I feel too. We had a very small intimate wedding but I did invite both him and his partner, they didn’t choose to come but we do live far away from my hometown so I didn’t hold it against them. We didn’t have evening only invitations for this reason, we chose just to invite close relatives and friends.

I'd be disappointed too, if I had a great relationship with my sibling. Yours sounds more like a distant relative so I'd take it for what it was.

I’m unsure about this, we get on well whenever we do see one another. I never hurt my mum, it was the other way around but it is complex and we have resolved it somewhat over the years so we’re civil and amicable now.

Yes, really hurtful. I would go, though. I'd dress up, glow up and show up - be the life and soul of the evening party. I'd think about it and if you would like to be a bit closer to him, put in the work. My brother and I weren't that close for many years partly due to a big age gap (though I have to say I would never have considered anything but a full invitation to my wedding). But when dh died, he clearly decided to start putting the hours in. We speak on the phone every week without fail, he comes to stay and has invited us all on a special holiday with him. We are much, much closer. The thing about family is it is never too late.

I think you're justified in feeling hurt, I would feel the same.

Yes I would be hurt. But does he feel a bit hurt that his big sister didn't make an effort to stay in touch with HIM when he was a child, regardless of what the parental relationship was like. Did you show interest in his exams, for instance?

Getting on OK when you do see each other is not the same as an interested and involved older sibling.

Maybe he's upset. Maybe because you left him with your mum and she hurt him too or took you leaving out on him? Or that in his eyes he wasn't worth you patching things up with your mum when he was home but did when he left so he thinks it's him you were avoiding not your mum? Or he sides with your mum? Or depending on how she hurt you she spent his childhood filling his head against you?

You'll never know without a conversation.

I don’t think I’d be hurt, if I hadn’t attempted to build and maintain a relationship as adults. You’re essentially in distant relative territory, regardless of how much DNA you share.

I think its hurtful the fact that you invited him and he's not done the same back. I'd decline. He has let you know how he feels by doing this.

Maybe a sign to make more effort.

It sounds like although you’re a sibling by blood/dna your actual relationship is more cousin-like. My sister and I aren’t close at all either, and when she asked me to be her bridesmaid tbh if felt weirder than if I’d got a big standard invite (which I would have preferred tbh).

Similarly - I wasn’t invited to the wedding of either of my cousins on my mothers side, despite growing up with them and getting on well, but the cousins on my father’s side- despite my being estranged from my father- invite me to everything. We see each other rarely, but are always delighted to see each other when we do.

All of that to say - families are fucking weird. If you want a closer relationship with your DB, maybe use this as your wake up call to build one?

I would feel hurt, although it somewhat depends whether the ceremony and lunch are a small affair (less hurt) or a cast of thousands (more hurt).

But it does sound as if you have never sought out a relationship with him, especially when he was too young to seek you out. By the time he got old enough to do that, the distance was entrenched. I'm sure there were reasons for this, but he may feel you could have done better?

I'd be hurt too

But you’re not close, you left home when he was still a young child, and neither of you make any attempts to contact one another in between chance meetings at family parties. You’re essentially distant cousins who get on well when you meet, but have never sought out a relationship despite the blood tie. Plus you thought you weren’t invited at all until you got this evening invitation. He barely knows you. The invitation reflects that, but also his desire to maintain the relationship.

If this isn’t really about his wedding, and you actually want a closer relationship with him, you’re going to have to put some work into it, and see if he’s interested in reciprocating.

What you're hurt about is how he sees you not the actual wedding. So if you want to be closer to him, work on that and just forget the wedding aspect. Ring him up. Make an effort to meet up/invite him round. If he doesn't want to at least you tried.