Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

To be clear, I don't think the OP has behaved poorly and I don't think many posters have said that. Just that she and her brother clearly have a very distant relationship and it's unrealistic to expect someone to feel close to you when you don't put any effort into the relationship.

Totally agree @Savingthehedgehogs People seem to be blaming the OP for trying to do something positive about getting away from her mother’s abuse. It’s baffling.

Many siblings aren't close. However unless they are nc or unless there is a history of abuse of any kind then it really isn't ok to issue a B list evening invite.

Yes if having a small do of only 20 people, then of course closest would be invited but that isn't the case here. It is apparently a big wedding so therefore a sibling should be invited, close or not.

You can still go to the marriage ceremony.

it's unrealistic to expect someone to feel close to you when you don't put any effort into the relationship.

Again, this is weird: the OP removed herself from a difficult (toxic?) family relationship. It's not that she deliberately decided not to have anything to do with her brother. And we don't know whether or how the brother was roped in to the bullying of his sister.

He seems to think it's OK to give her a last minute invitation to the after party - it would seem that he's fairly confident that the rest of his family won't see this as bad behaviour (which it is). THe OP seems to be the family scapegoat & he's absorbed the idea that she is not really part of the family.

I really feel for her.

If it's in a church.

But the brother has been living separately from the toxic mother for years now. She has had a long time to develop more of a relationship with him. She has chosen not to - which is her decision and it's not unreasonable for her not to want anything to do with her family in the circumstances. But if she makes the decision to be very distant from her brother, she can't expect to then have the trappings of a normal sibling relationship.

It doesn't sound like she has even spoken to him directly since his engagement which she found out about second hand.

It seems quite odd to me to maintain that her relationship with her mother means she couldn't keep in touch with her brother when it sounds like she has more of a relationship with her mother than her brother

I had a similar situation in the family. We found out when the wedding was and went, then left when they were sorting out the 'family' photographs afterwards. Went to the the pictures instead of the night do.
Two can play at that game.

That would be weird.

If this is true (and I hope it is not) then a) I can't believe you did it, and b) I can't believe you would admit it, let alone boast about it.

Someone I once cared for in a huge way. We had lots of good history, but sadly a great deal of difficult family issues going on around things, and the guest list was not wholly their decision. I wanted to see them get married. They deserved happiness.

I have two half sisters on my Dads side who I can’t say I’m close to, but I invited them to my wedding, not just the evening event. I don’t understand some of the comments, if you had an acrimonious relationship I could understand, but it doesn’t sound like you do. Also, I’m a person of colour, I know people of ethnic origin have different perspectives on these things.

Why? When I got married, everyone was invited to the ceremony but some were invited to the reception and the evening do while some were just invited to the evening do.

I think you played your part when your DB was younger, and some of the replies saying you should have done more are unfair to you. The issue with your DM has complicated everything, unfortunately, you were young and carrying a lot of pain and resentment from your childhood, and I honestly think your DB hasn't bothered his backside to try to have a relationship with you. He has possibly been spoiled and is quite happy in his little bubble. I know exactly how you feel.

So you invited people then went off for food and said join us later as only these people we are paying for?

That seems harsh but maybe it’s a certain community vibe with people living close…

We could only afford 80 guests for the lunch reception but having an evening do - which included a buffet- meant all our other friends could celebrate with us too. It was a wonderful day.

It's no-ones fault you aren't close. But you aren't.

Sounds like you have a bit of FOMO to be fair. You aren’t close, only see each other at family parties. I wouldn’t and didn’t invite people I wasn’t close to or didn’t see.. family or not.

No it isn't a two way thing because you were the adult who chose and set your relationship. My sister is 13 years older than me and after Covid suddenly wanted to play sister. She set our relationship, it wasn't one of siblings. I could have really done with her guidance during CSE/leaving school. She isn't an aunt to my children. We are blood related and as such she gets invites, but not above people who I could phone in a crisis or if I was down/needed a night out etc.

@campertess the OP wasn't young for the whole nine years her DB was a minor. It isn't up to a child to chase an adult for a relationship.

I could have really done with her guidance during CSE/leaving school.

Why do you think your sister should have parented you? That is an unreasonable expectation.

I have a sibling who is 20 years my senior, we’ve never lived in the same house. She had a really rough childhood in my family (really awful), but she’s one of my favourite and closest friends. Because she always made an effort with me when I was a child, she came home from uni and snuggled me, bought me sweets, took me to the cinema, took me on holidays with her later, taught me right from wrong etc…
I’m sorry to say it but your little brother doesn’t feel that from you because you didn’t provide it.
Plus he may have seen and heard your Mum being very upset about you leaving, even if it was her fault he won’t have realised that at 11 years old.

My big brother left and went to uni when I was a teenager, I understand now that I felt deeply abandoned by him. I was too young to understand that and it certainly wasn’t his fault, he deserved his escape and big opportunity.
I love him and would never miss his wedding, not even if I had to travel to the other side of the world.
Im so sorry that you’re feeling this way, but you can always try to build a connection. It’s never too late to try.
I’d go to the evening wedding party, smile, take a big thoughtful gift and tell them both that you love them and wish them not but happiness. Talk to your brother afterwards (a month or so), telling him you’d like to see him more and then make more effort for a year or two. See if it pays off.

Sending you strength OP x

I do get that but he has been an adult for a few years.

This is the worst advice I have ever seen. What outcome would you expect from this?

Seems to me that OP has realised her relationship with her brother is not as she thought and has resolved to improve it. I’d say that’s a good outcome.

I’d also be upset, although from db’s perspective he has maybe only invited people who are actively involved in his life on a day to day basis. Will you go to the evening?