Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

I get that you got distant from your brother when he was living with your mum, with you having had a strained relationship with her, but tbh you’ve had the opportunity since he left home to meet up, and form a closer relationship. That you haven’t suggests you’re not really bothered about him, it’s just the wedding situation that upsets you.

But do you travel to visit him or do you just see him when you're there anyway? There's a big difference.
What do you do for birthdays? Christmas? You say your door is open but have you explicitly invited him to visit? Does he know your kids? Do you know his soon to be wife?
He's prioritising people he sees more often than he sees you.

I haven't read the entire thread, but I have seen you are taking this situation as a wake up call. Apologies if this has been suggested.

One option is to decline the invitation, but do it with good grace, may be saying PILs can't help with child care that date.

But also say this invitation has come at an opportune time as you have been thinking about your past, and regretting that you didn't make enough effort to keep in touch, your decisions were mainly based around the relationship with your mum, rather than forging a sibling relationship with him.

So you although you can't attend his wedding, you would love to catch up with them after the honeymoon, maybe go out for a meal - your treat - and take it from there and try to build a stronger bond going forward.

And enclose a gift card or something.

I'd be informing him that I would be going to the service! Whether he likes it or not.

And do what, hang around elsewhere for several hours while the day guests have a drinks reception, dinner and speeches?

@TarnishedTrophy No I'd go home then and not return. But then I hate weddings and all the fakery and "Please welcome, Mr & Mrs......" Utterly cringeworthy and tacky. I only ever attend the service, say good luck etc and then leave. Might down a glass of champagne if there's any on offer 😏

I have a distant relationship with my sibling. He moved away from our home town when he was 17 and stayed where he was. We see each other once or twice a year if they come to visit my parents but we never have any contact really outside of this. It does make me feel sad but we have very little in common. I would feel sad in your situation too

Sorry if this has already been said and I've missed it, but why don't you just ASK him?

I'd be devastated if my sister only asked me to get evening do, but we're very close. And I know you said you had your reasons, but as the older sister I would always do everything I could to maintain a close relationship with my younger sibling, I can't imagine getting to the stage you are now.

I think that’s why you’d just ask though .

OP is in a totally different situation. It would be really awkward for her to just ask, and would probably spark an argument.

I’d be happy that I’ve not got to sit through a boring wedding. Just enjoy the evening. 🥂🥂🍾

Sounds like he is hurt by something op. He declined your invitation and invited you last minute to his.

If you really want to be closer to him I'd go the party bit and make an effort.

Then try to spend some time with him a while afterwards and see how he feels about your relationship.

I do understand why you feel hurt. But making a fuss is really not a good idea. If you want to improve things.

"I would struggle to be the life and soul of a party anyway tbh! I’m not a very loud person shall we say… I think we will attend if PIL’s can help with DC and will take a gift, compliment the bride and try our best to smile and just be present. Will use it as a reality check and try to put more effort in with him going forward."

This is 💯 the right thing to do op.

I would be honest about your disappointment and ask if I could attend the wedding ceremony! You’re his sister yet you’ll miss the actual wedding - it’s really odd.

I think that you should accept the invitation graciously, buy a thoughtful gift, go and be charming to your DB, his bride and their friends and family.

If you feel hurt that your DB doesn't feel that he has a close relationship with you, take this as the starting point of building that closer relationship. Invite him and his new wife to visit you, buy tickets to an event and attend together, take him for a meal when you are in home town.

Turning down the invitation because you feel embarrassed will do nothing to bridge the distance between you or mend the relationship.

You can't change the past; you were a child/young adult and he was a child but now you are both adults and can forge a relationship that is independent of your mother if you both want one.

I don't think it is a two way street when you are the much older sibling. You set the tone for the relationship when he was still a child.

This thread has been an utter car crash, mainly because op was not able, understandably to outline what happened to her. Now she is having to listen to well meaning posts telling her to buy a nice card and fix a smile. No doubt the narrative of her entire life.

I feel worried op has been further damaged and hurt by this advice, and she has left the thread.

You have offered some really thoughtful insights on this thread @Savingthehedgehogs . And I understand your concern for the OP.
You have encouraged others to see what may lie deeper than the surface outline given.
It's still reasonable for posters to suggest that the brother's experience of growing up may have been different from the surface outline that the OP saw from a distance.

Being the golden child has lasting negative mental health affects too. And even though he was favoured by the dm, it's still possible that the 11 boy was hurt and affected by the effective loss of his sister from his life.
That's not to suggest blame on OP, only to suggest another possible dimension to the OP.

The OP was a teen and left for university.
She left home because of a stressful relationship with her mother and avoided home for years.
This is 100% on her mother, not the OP.

Shameful posts blaming the OP when she has had enough to deal with.

So you are saying a visit doesn't count unless OP only sees the brother and no one else on that visit? That is ridiculous. I totally disagree that it's normal to prioritise people only based on how much you see them too. That might to apply to friends but family is different. The great majority of people invite siblings regardless of how often they see them. The only exception would perhaps be if they have fallen out with them but OP hasn't fallen out with her brother.

I don’t doubt the lasting impact for op’s brother of growing up as the golden child, nor the abject loss of his sister when she was forced to leave.

However, he has chosen, as an adult, to publicly embarrass op by inviting hundreds of guests to his wedding in full, but not her.

Despite the fact he was invited to her wedding which he also rejected.. This was a choice he made as an adult, knowing full well how hurtful it would be.

It does seem to me there could be some resentment or anger at the heart of this, but he also has the option, as an adult, to talk this through with op, and he has chosen not to.

There has been a great deal of sympathy for the brother on here, but precious little for op whom after all was an abused child, and had no choice but to leave home and lose her family.

Exen without the back story - it is very unkind to invite a sibling to the evening only, and to decline the invitation to her wedding. It is unthinkable to most people.

I think her brother has behaved very poorly.

To maintain a civil relationship with her but to continue to hurt and humiliate her by publicly rejecting and excluding her is in itself abusive.

It has been well documented that these patterns do often persist.

I believe op is still in an abusive relationship with both her mother, and with her brother. They still continue to hurt her from afar.The apple really has not fallen far from the tree in this instance.

It's not about whether or not he's portrayed it before.. It's whether that's how he felt or not. Understandable if so.

You seem like you’re trying to purposely hurt the OP here, I’m not sure why. She didn’t ‘disappear off’, she left home when she became an adult. That’s what happens with siblings, as they get older some of them leave home before the others.

@Savingthehedgehogs

I feel like you are projecting a lot which is counter to what the OP has actually said.

For example you say

Despite the fact he was invited to her wedding which he also rejected.. This was a choice he made as an adult, knowing full well how hurtful it would be.

The OP said she didn't think too deeply about her brother not coming, not that she found it hurtful.

I think the OP has repeatedly sent her brother the message that he isn't important to her.

He didn't come to her wedding. She seems to have said "eh, never mind", she could have called him, not to deliver a guilt trip but to say "it would have been lovely to have you there. I hope things are ok between us"

She heard secondhand that he was planning a wedding. She didn't call him to congratulate him or, say, suggest a celebratory drink when she was next visiting.

I think most posters understand that she had a difficult start to life and it's understandable if she just wanted to cut off her family entirely. But what isn't reasonable is making basically no effort with your sibling but expecting them to see you as a sibling anyway.

@Miniopolis Most 18 year olds that go to uni come home regularly and actively maintain relationships with younger siblings. OP says explicitly that she didn't
I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then
At no point have I tried to hurt OP. I have simply pointed out that her db's perspective at 10 or 11 was likely to be that his sister abandoned him.
As OP says herself - it's complicated.

I think you are being a little unreasonable tbh. You obviously have good reason for being LC with your mother but you've treated your brother the same way as a by- product of that. In his eyes you're merely an acquaintance now, which must sting but is completely understandable from his point of view.