Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

I haven’t read the whole thread but I would message him that you are delighted with the invitation and are excited to go to his wedding, but you think he’s given you the wrong one as it’s an evening invitation and you are really looking forward to the ceremony.

I don't know why you're being so nice about it OP. What he's done is an utter cunts trick. Why is it all on you to 'make a better relationship'? He wasn't going to invite you at all and has still tried to put you off going. There's no way I'd be attending, you're not going to be made welcome and will probably feel worse than you do now.

There is nothing rude about holding an evening event after a wedding and inviting people to come and celebrate with you. Not everyone could afford a massive formal wedding breakfast and to invite friends, colleagues and third cousins twice removed! Most people host a disco with party food in the evening so it’s just like going for a nice night out. Absolutely not rude!

It’s awful and very mean.

Sounds like op has lost her voice in the family, as I would be flexing if my brother did this to me! There is no way dh and I would attend. Not a chance. Even the thought of arriving with everyone knowing I wasn’t invited to the actual service gives me anxiety. Poor op,

This makes a lot of sense.

But why? I would ask him, did DM have a hand in it?

Perhaps a chat is needed after the wedding, fo say you’d like to see more of him?

I’d be very hurt too.

Is the wedding ceremony in a local church?If so no invite is needed so I’d attend that bit and sit at the back so I could actually see my brother getting married. That’s the only part I’d care about. So thrn I’d either post a gift and card or consider the evening invite and I’d occupy myself during the day and go to the evening bit for an hour or so. I personally probably wouldn’t do the evening bit.

i am lc/nc with my silbings and most of my family now im in my 50s. I have full and half siblings and a messed up toxic family set up and I live hundreds of miles from any of them since my 30s. But I have had an invite to all my siblings weddings, one of which I could not attend due to my half siblings mother but I was sent an invite and I sent a card and gift.

That’s how I would be too the anxiety and embarrassment would be too much for me to cope with (I have MH problems).

It’s rude if it’s your sister…..

I agree with this.

I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if her mother has a hand in this.

I simply would decline.
His actions, are designed to embarrass and humiliate.
I wouldn't put myself through it, his intention is clear.

OP sounds like a lovely woman, dealt a tough hand by life.

But OP's mum was abusive to her so it is entirely understandable why OP stayed away. She wasn't abusive to OP's brother. OP's brother was the golden child and she was the scapegoat and was even blamed for things that he did.

Me too, horrible for op.

Indeed @thepariscrimefiles I really don’t understand the nastiness towards the OP here.

There’s about a 7-8 year age gap, and @Eveningonly was bullied and abused (so it seems) by her mother, in a way that her brother was not.

The OP left home to go to university - perfectly normal. And her brother benefited from the OP being her mother’s scapegoat.

If anything the brother has behaved badly - from the outside, it looks like a sort of passive-aggressive attitude to his sister. He seems to have learnt that it’s OK to sideline or ignore his sister (not attending her wedding for example).

I really don’t see that the OP has behaved so badly here - her mother sounds as though she were emotionally abusive. The OP has taken her life into her own hands by going to university, and seeking therapy to come to some sort of peace with her mother. That is extraordinarily mature - a child shouldn’t have to be the one to forgive or come to terms with a parent’s maltreatment of them. @Eveningonly sounds incredibly together, given a difficult childhood.

And as I said upthread, siblings can have quite different childhoods even with the same parents. It seems the OP’s brother has some growing up to do, and an apology to his sister.

I would put your current feelings aside for a minute and consider a few other points that may become problematic. Did your mum attend your wedding? How did you relate to each other? Was she everything you ever wanted in a MOB or was she more like a guest? How would you feel if she was the beaming, proud mother of the groom? Would that open old wounds for you or would it be water under the bridge?
If it's a long way to travel I wouldn't just go to an evening invite only, esp not if I'd there is a chance this will seriously affect your mental health -you are already hurt and disappointed now.

We’re trying to sort wedding invitations currently and it’s a nightmare! We can’t pay nearly £95 for everyone to attend for the wedding breakfast and will invite some family evening only . It sounds as though you havnt had a close relationship with your brother or tried to maintain a close relationship with him when he was only 11 and you left home . It seems fair enough but I can understand you feel a bit left out .

@Owl55 did you miss the bit in the OP’s posts where she talked about her mother’s abuse of her??? Why do people seem to blame the OP for leaving an abusive home ?

"perhaps I have misunderstood some way along the line and this is a hint"

OP I think this is a good point to start your conversation with DB......"DB, have I misunderstood our relationship, are you, truly, only inviting me out of politeness?" and go from there. You can explain that there is no 'wrong answer' only truth and that as adults you both realise life is finite and procrastinating and fudging around issues is silly, you need to know where you both stand. I do think it's a convo you need to have anyway but also that you need to have before the wedding, so that you can make a fully informed decision about attending or not. At the moment I think if you attended as is you may feel an undercurrent of unspoken feelings (rightly or wrongly) that will cloud even the few hours you are there for. Good luck.

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You barely have a relationship why did you expect any invite never mind be annoyed at the one you got ?

Very hurtful. He is making a point. I wouldn't go.

Obviously you are not that close at all and he doesn’t see you as immediate family, even though you obviously are.
Id look at this not as a wedding invitation issue but as a sibling relationship issue and try to see him and engage with him more if you want a sibling around long term.

This thread is really odd. So many posts ignore that op was abused, and moved so far away for that reason. She was a child.

Even if the abuse hadn’t have happened, a 7-8 aga gap would make it all but impossible to have a ‘close’ relationship with her brother as a child.

They are friendly and see each other. There was mo reason not to invite her, I agree with other posts and think it’s likely she is still being abused. Op has left the thread, so we might never know now 😞

Go to the wedding if you’d like to have a relationship with him. He lives close to your mother and, while you may have been able to reframe your relationship with your mother, you have no idea if she resents you nor how she describes you. He might have the wrong idea entirely and you can only change that by seeing him. Don’t make it dependent on your PILs - get a babysitter if necessary and go.

If I was another guest think I’d side eye your DB for only inviting you for evening. I’d feel bad for you.

Maybe so, but that’s not what the comment was referring to! Also the op has not really been ‘ a sister’ to the man getting married. They have no real relationship in any normal sense between a bother and sister. He obviously feels like she has no meaningful part in his life.