Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

Why dont you just ask him about it?

You get on well when you see each other OP, so there is clearly no issue there. He doesn't appear hurt or resentful as that would show.

Think as many have mentioned, you are effectively distant relatives. That's it.

Neither of you have done anything wrong in any of this. You left home early as you had issues with your mum, which is completely understandable given you needed therapy, so from 11 onward, really formative years, you weren't in his life (in his daily life anyway). There is no blame attached here (bar what your mum put you through).

So at this point in time you are still like distant cousins, but do get on well when you meet up. No bad blood or anything, just two people who have lived largely separate lives since he was coming out of primary school. I think you are maybe realising now that this is the relationship you currently have.

It's clear you are hurt by this invite, but more broadly the realisation of where you and he are in terms of closeness. You get on well so why not get closer from now on? As many others have said, go to the wedding night and take that as a new starting point.

Best of luck.

I get that it might be hurtful.

But honestly, you showed him how little value you placed on the relationship when you chose not to bother with him over all those years. He was a young child, and you walked out of his life. And in all the years since then, it doesn't sound like you have made much of an effort to make amends.

So if he places little importance on sibling relationships, I'm afraid that he has learned that directly from you.

Even close family relationships require some effort, and we shouldn't just take them for granted.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong @Eveningonly
and I think you are absolutely right that his invite to you was a last minute decision to avoid embarrassment especially considering his remarks about child free wedding.
If I were you I would go for an evening and tell everyone who would listen that you were not invited for the ceremony in a very casual way. I might be old fashioned but not to invite a sibling to the ceremony looks very very odd in my books. You invited him and therefore sent him a strong message - he didn’t come but it’s on him. As I understood your wedding was in UK so doable with some effort. It’s not like you invited him to travel to a different continent.
I don’t think the repair is on you, not really, he showed you clearly your place in his life. A lot of people I know have a big gap between siblings it was quite popular in our parents generation so not all of them are extremely close but not to invite to the ceremony it’s unheard of, especially if it’s not like 10 people from both sides.
I don’t know if it’s your mum or your brother or his partner but I would make conclusions and focus on friends and in laws ( if it’s relevant).
You sounds like a nice person, don’t blame yourself. It’s not on you.

By the way I suspect it’s about educational divide. He feels that you don’t have anything in common so why bother.
There is silver lining in it - he will be able to help your mum in her older age as they are morally and physically close.

Weddings are expensive so.its understandable wanting people you are close to there, it sounds like neither of you have made the effort to forge a closer bond, which is what it is. My thought process with wedding invites is to want people there who would support us in our marriage. Those who are involved in our lives and who we could turn to in a crisis, and it sounds like you are not really that to one another. That said it's not to late to go to the evening and use that as a springboard to being closer going forward.

If the person you know is a millionaire then maybe. But it can be very difficult for some to afford the expense of each ‘head’ at a wedding. Some might genuinely want to celebrate with friends but the evening is the only way they can afford to.

OP was damaged by her own mum that she needed therapy for it. She didn't "walk out of his life", her mum forced her out of the home.

If there is any blame, it's on the mother. But, attaching blame usually isn't helpful, and OP and her mum now have a better relationship.

The crux of the matter is OP and her brother get on well. They just aren't close in terms of being in each others lives. That can be changed.

it's hurtful. The vast majority of people would feel hurt by this.

Perhaps you should chalk it up to life.

you haven’t put the work in to make/maintain/rekindle a sibling relationship
as the eldest it was you that needed to put the effort in .
now there may have been reasons for the low contact, but after reconciling with your mother you probably should have put more effort into rebuilding your sibling relationship if you actually wanted one.

you are now in the realm of distant cousin

and that’s ok.

it’s was ok last week to have a distant (not just long distance) relationship (before the invite was given) so it’s ok now.

I wonder if you had not initially taken so much responsibility for your brother in your opening post op, and elaborated a little what actually happened, the responses I suspect would have very different:

‘I was extensively abused by my mother as a child, and at my first opportunity I left home and my mother and I were estranged for many years. At 18 and hundreds of miles from home my mental health was in tatters, and I was trying to survive.

It was impossible to cultivate a relationship with my 11 year old brother as my mother blocked all communication, and I was unable to see him despite trying in later years to connect with him.

As part of my recovery with my therapist after a number of years I was able to have a distant, civil relationship with my mother and brother again, it is largely through family occasions that I see them and very much surface level. Too much has happened for it to be more deeper than that,

I invited my brother and his dp my wedding and he declined, this hurt me deeply but I decided to continue our relationship anyway and be the bigger person, I know it’s been hard for him as well.

I have now been given an evening invite only for his wedding, despite hundreds of guests attending. I am very hurt and embarrassed as his only sibling, he keeps saying we don’t have to come because of the distance and children. Wwyd?’

I wonder if that would have elicited a different response op, because your op feels very much like you blame yourself for this situation, when in fact it’s not your fault

This is how you see your relationship with your mum. It is highly likely that she sees it differently and has expressed this to your brother if they are close.
If you aren't close I can understand the evening invitation.

It probably would have done but it also inaccurate.

The OP specifically says she hasn't tried to connect with him, not that she has tried in later years to connect to him. She literally says neither of us have made a huge effort to meet in one of her updates and she sounds totally unfussed by him not coming to her wedding not "deeply hurt".

These situations are a little different though, because if you can’t be bothered, I guess you can’t be bothered, so why would you go.

But op can be bothered and is bothered. She wants to improve the relationship.

It is sad- but you don’t have a close relationship so you can’t expect to be invited to his daytime reception. The lack of an invite is a reflection of your distant relationship. Maybe use this to think about what sort of relationship you would like with your brother and how you might work towards that (if he would like a closer relationship too).

I don’t understand why your Mum didn’t intervene long before this ? If one of my dc chose not to invite the other, without a very good reason , I would have a talk with them and explain how hurtful it is.
So that is weird, as he is close to your Mum. You don’t mention your Dad, is he no longer living ?
In your place I would call him and just tell the truth. That you had to leave home when you did and had no parental support at all, that it took time to get a better relationship with your Mum but that you have always loved him and you are hurt to be invited last minute and not to the actual wedding. Ask him why ? I think that’s reasonable. Have a heart to heart and then decide what to do depending on what he says.

@Christwosheds - normal parents would but it sounds like the OPs mother hasn’t been the best of parents. (The lack of invite might be down to her.)

Its interesting the bride to be hasn’t said “it looks bad to not invite your sister. It’s a massive statement not just to her but to all the wider family. Are you sure?”

I think it's shitty of him and no way would I attend. I guess that's pretty much that with him. Sorry OP. 💐

I’m not sure if I’d be hurt because it was very predictable. The fact he and his partner didn’t trouble to come to your wedding when invited, distant or not, was the writing on the wall and should’ve shown you then the level of relationship he was comfortable with.
Having said that, I’d say the ball is now in your court and you’re going to have to make a lot more effort in future if you want to be closer. If you don’t want to put in the effort, or he doesn’t reciprocate then you’re destined for a future with a very distant relationship. Not the end of the world, it’s how many families are.

This is extremely wise advice - OP this is exactly what you should do if you aspire to be closer to your brother.

if you are happy with the status quo - then by all means feel sad - but acknowledge that the invitation is reflective of your relationship and that it won’t change without your input

To get what you want - which sounds like you want a closer relationship - accept the invite with a lovely card and say how excited you are for him. Be the amazing big sister. He may well invite you to more of the day if he feels encouraged. Or not but you have built a bridge between you in any case

From the brother's perspective, though, she did just walk out.

I'm not attaching blame to anyone, we can't possibly do that because we don't know all of the circumstances.

I'm just saying that, regardless of what actually caused the situation, the brother probably won't have felt that the sibling relationship was of much importance to the OP. And he has probably calibrated his own view of the sibling relationship accordingly.

I think things may not have been as rosey for your brother as you may have thought. That is not your fault though. I would go to the wedding and then sometime afterwards invite him to meet and tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels. You still have a chance at a relationship in the future.

I’m not sure I’d do that before the wedding. It’s going to come across as though she’s motivated by a desire to upgrade her invitation. Also people have enough tensions and stresses before a wedding. I don’t disagree with the conversation, but I’d leave it till after.

I think also, that siblings need to recognise that sometimes they have different childhoods, because of the complex interactions of personalities. Especially if you’re the eldest child and a girl - I’ve noticed that sometimes mothers find their first child difficult and more so if she’s a girl.

@Eveningonly your brother seems to have had a far less difficult childhood than you - he may have been quite indulged and used to being the only child at home and do quite thoughtless.

I'm not surprised you’re upset.

This sounds like my dad and my aunt. We saw them regularly growing up but always when we were going to visit my grandparents nearby. I don't remember it ever being to be a trip to visit his sister primarily. When we were younger and grandparents were still alive everyone got on great but they are incredibly distant now, because ultimately it was the secondary relationship.