Evening only invitation to brother’s wedding- AIBU to be a little hurt?

[Eveningonly]

I have one brother who is a fair few years younger than me and when I left home he was only around 10/11. Due to a difficult relationship with DM (it’s complicated), I rarely returned home for visits meaning I have seen little of DB since then but we always get on well when we do see one another. By the time DM and I reconciled somewhat and became more amicable, he had left home so we have only ever seen one another at family parties since. I also live a fair distance away so this is another reason why I don’t see family all that often.

He is getting married in a few months and he handed me an invitation to the wedding at a family party last night. I was pretty chuffed because they announced the date of the wedding almost a year ago so I thought I had been missed off the list. I think it may have been a last minute decision, perhaps to avoid awkwardness at the party with everyone discussing it.

I didn’t look at the invitation properly until I got home and I then realised it was an evening only invitation. AIBU to be a little hurt by this? I realise we’re not close but we are one another’s only sibling if that counts for anything? I’m also not a bad a person and we never had any ‘bad blood’ or conflict. It isn’t a small, intimate wedding from what I gather either. I always thought evening invitations were for colleagues, very distant relatives (I.e second cousins) and friends so it has bruised me somewhat. I feel excluded from the family fold really, am I just taking it too personally?

I find it very very hard to believe op didn’t care her brother was not at her wedding. Her reasoning sounds more like a defence mechanism. The distance was too far, she said, knowing most siblings travel any distance - even ones that are not close. Or have strained relationships. It sounds to me like op is very used to making up excuses for the poor behaviour of her family, and was too afraid to rock the fragile boat that was a civil relationship with them.

Assiming she doesn’t care about him for this reason is a stretch too far in my view. If she really didn’t care she wouldn’t have invited him in the first place,

*assuming

Yeah so this is where you are just massively projecting. What she has actually said, as opposed to what you have made up, is that she wasn't fussed.

Most siblings would be hurt, I agree, but these two don't have a normal sibling relationship.

One of my nephews did this to me - or more accurately my infuriating older half sister and said nephew's ghastly materialistic wife did. I wouldn't have minded but I lived half an hour away at the time and they'd invited half of Wales and their dogs and budgies. Looking back I wish I'd just stayed at home as it was perfectly bloody obvious they didn't want me there. We've not spoken much since and the same goes for the older half sister.

I mean they'd invited half of Wales to the day event. Just not me.

I am sorry to say it is not unusual that a sibling relationship is forever ruptured in a family of abuse.

Every child is trying to survive, get their needs met. For him this would have meant staying on the right side of his mother, and whatever narrative she had fed him about you op.

I woukd lay money on her blaming you for being a a difficult child, and impossible to raise. He will have grown up listening to what an awful person you were most likely - and it doesn’t sound like the dial has shifted very much since then.

You can grieve the relationship you should have had with him, and couldn’t because of your mother’s abuse, but I think it’s unfair to take the blame/responsibility when you were so young and vulnerable yourself. Struggling to cope with poor mental health.

I sincerely hope you find a way to manage this difficult day - and can take some strength in your chosen family and husband.

I disagree they have perfectly civil relationship and see each other regularly.

It is simply untrue that they do not have a relationship. It sounds to me like they have both done their best to get on under the circumstances.

There is no reason whatsoever why op shouldn’t have got a full invite along with hundreds of others.

I think you have to try to see the relationship from his perspective. You left when he was 11, so he will have a few memories of your relationship prior to leaving but not as many as you. Then you didn't really stay in too with him and since he's become an adult you have visited generally but doesn't sound like you have ever tried to spend time with him specifically. As the adult this was your role. Did you ever invite him to stay with you? Has he ever visited? Do you ring/message each other?
The fact that he didn't attend your wedding suggests he doesn't view you as someone he is close to.
There's also the fact that his view of you may be skewed due to your mother's view of you when you left.

I'd attend the wedding and maybe after look at building a closer relationship.

When I got married my sister was hurt she didn't get asked to be a bridesmaid. She was awful to me during my teen years and we barely saw each other as adults. We had got a bit closer when I had my dd (who was one when we married) but I couldn't understand why she thought just because she was my sister I would want her by my side. I felt bad tho and had her as bridesmaid at my second wedding, she was very difficult and hard work. Never again!

It is not a normal sibling relationship when they never see each other except at family gatherings they would be going to anyway.

And if sounds like they have no direct contact in between either

I am sorry to say it is not unusual that a sibling relationship is forever ruptured in a family of abuse
Absolutely @Savingthehedgehogs .

OP was the scapegoat child and it sounds like she's worked really hard to unpick some of childhood trauma especially that relating to her mother.

Her brother as the Golden child is less likely to understand how he was also a victim of abuse so is less likely to have sought help.

I think the fact he did not attend the OP'S wedding indicates that he has unresolved feelings. It is just as unusual not to attend a sibling's wedding as it is to not invite a sibling to the whole day of the wedding. So, I think he was communicating something in that decision other than travel distance.

That's not to say I blame the OP. But nor am I blaming her brother.

You are guessing and assuming about contact, as op hasn’t said either way.

But even based on a relationship you only see at family visits and gatherings that is standard for many siblings! Totally standard when each has busy lives, certainly no basis to invite hundreds of other people and not her.

That is really poor and unkind behaviour.

I am not doing nearly as much assuming and actually basically making stuff up as you!

The OP said

I know he announced the date around a year ago because my DM mentioned it in passing last year.

It's a pretty reasonable assumption that if she didn't even hear directly from him that he was engaged that they don't have any direct contact outside occasionally running into each other at events.

She also pretty clearly says a few times that she doesn't make much effort and could do more.

neither of us have made a huge effort to meet outside of this

Whereas your repeated claim that she was incredibly hurt when he didn't come to her wedding is something that she not only doesn't say but actually says the opposite..

Yes there is definitely unresolved feelings on the part of her brother, which are barely hidden, and in my view his feelings are glaringly obvious to all. The non attendance at ops wedding and this half hearted evening invite speaks volumes.

Op seems afraid to raise it, perhaps she fears her carefully crafted peace treaty will not survive an honest discussion?

I don’t blame the brother either per se, as you say he is also a victim of abuse, but I do think it is unkind behaviour. He knew it would hurt op.
I believe the drama triangle is playing out on a loop here, and op needs to step away and protect herself.
Not necessarily no contact or even low contact, but well away from this dynamic, as it’s still clearly impacting her negatively. She may have done lots of counselling work, but they may not have done…and so this pattern is very likely to continue.

It sounded quite a lot like you blamed the brother when you said:

*I think her brother has behaved very poorly.

To maintain a civil relationship with her but to continue to hurt and humiliate her by publicly rejecting and excluding her is in itself abusive*

I mean saying he behaved poorly and calling him abusive is a bit like blame...

I would be hurt too.

I left home when my brother was same age as yours and I still got invited to his full wedding a few weeks ago.

That is still not a basis to not invite your only sibling to your wedding. This is my central point. Lots of siblings are like this. They just stay in touch via family meet ups. There is much more to it, clearly.

You are victim blaming.

Op was a child herself, an abused child, and was barely coping when she left, she describes her mother as a ‘block’ to communicating with her brother.

I am not sure it’s reasonable to assume she has to take responsibility for the entire relationship even well into adulthood.

The very definition of passive aggressive bullying is exclusion and humiliation. I certainly think it is a continuation of the abuse, yes. This family dynamic is very far from healed and repaired looking from the outside in.

It's very clear @Savingthehedgehogs that you have your own issues that you are projecting onto this OP. Who has her own issues to work through which aren't going to be exactly the same as yours.

That is big leap! I definitely don’t have this problem but I do work with victims of abuse, and this comes up all of the time.

To be honest I also think that you are projecting stuff that isn't in evidence. Whatever your reasons, you are also "victim blaming" - you are just blaming the brother instead.

The facts, without any of the projected assumptions, are that the OP and her brother have not had a close relationship in many years and have made no effort to change that fact. The OP expected to be invited to the wedding, she wasn't, and she is hurt. But mainly because she invited him to her wedding, he didn't come and she hasn't even bothered to ask why. For "appearances sake" her brother might have decided to invite her, but he didn't. But he has no real reason other than that because she is a virtual stranger to him. He decided not to maintain a fiction they were close, and thjat is his right. Just because people are related is no good excuse to think they are any better than anyone else - he wouldn't invitre other passing acquaintances to his wedding, and that is all she is.

Turn up with cheap present, then gorge yourself silly on their paid for booze and food.

@Eveningonly for all the speculating that can be done, I think one thing is clear, you seem like a lovely level headed person. You have taken on board many different thoughts on this thread and have reflected on them.

i think there is always time to build a relationship with each other if you both want that.

I would go whatever just to try and keep some semblance of a relationship. Sounds as though there could have been a lot of hurt all round.

To be honest, I’d be hurt and I’d let them know it, not good enough to be at the main event, and I might add you will be the talk of the main event not being there at your brother’s wedding, I certainly wouldn’t go just to avoid the queries of where you’ve been all day!

My mother and I don't get along. My late father had, unbeknown to me, 60th and 70th birthday parties, and there were a couple of weddings I wasn't invited to. I don't blame dad or anybody else for not getting an invite. My mum can be vile if she doesn't get her own way, she lives her life as a victim. It hurt a little when I found out about the birthday parties, but at the end of the day as somebody else has said, it is what it is. My advice is to got to the evening celebrations, enjoy yourself and go home to where you are loved. They then, cannot turn the situation against you.