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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed I’m not in partners will????

923 replies

YourRealBiscuit · 03/11/2024 08:23

Backstory
we’ve been together almost 14 years. We’ve got children. Not married. His house we have lived in. He’s 60 I’m 50.

Am I being unreasonable that I’m annoyed now he’s doing his will his intention is to leave everything to the kids?
We have a decade age gap and I can’t help wondering what would happen to me of he died before me?
he sees it as his stuff so he leaves to who he wants to but I think it’s a huge red flag coupled with the fact obviously he’s not popped the question too

feels to me like he doesn’t really see us as an US?

what do you think?

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 03/11/2024 08:35

Terrible. You would likely have a claim for reasonable provision but it would be unpleasant and expensive to enforce. He should at least give you a right of occupation for your house for the rest of your life.

JamMakingWannaBe · 03/11/2024 08:35

He is leaving you in a VERY vulnerable financial position.
He dies. The house passes to your DC. It will have to be sold so they each get their share. Where do you all then live? Can you support yourself and your kids on your salary alone? Does he realise this?
We are not married but our Will writer insisted on meeting us together so we understood all these implications.
What about his pension and any life assurance policy? Does that go to the kids too?

yarnbarn · 03/11/2024 08:36

@YourRealBiscuit

He poo poos it and says “that’s not going to happen” so I have brought it up, he just dismisses it off hand.

What have you accepted that from him?

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 08:36

is he usually tight with money?

has he paid for you for the majority of your relationship and feels resentful?

is the house worth much?

Velvian · 03/11/2024 08:37

How is the house owned? If it's tenants in common 50/50 owned by the 2 of you, it would be fine for him to leave his share in trust to your DC with the provision that they cannot realise it until your death.

If it is 100% in his name left 100% to the DC with no provision for you, that is a different story.

If the 2nd case, stop any contributions to the house immediately and start building your own savings. What is your own financial position?

Createausername1970 · 03/11/2024 08:37

YourRealBiscuit · 03/11/2024 08:32

He poo poos it and says “that’s not going to happen” so I have brought it up, he just dismisses it off hand.

Show quote history

Eek!

Does he have a long term plan to ensure you die first?

Definitely see your own solicitor.

Butchyrestingface · 03/11/2024 08:38

YourRealBiscuit · 03/11/2024 08:32

He poo poos it and says “that’s not going to happen” so I have brought it up, he just dismisses it off hand.

Show quote history

He doesn’t think he’s going to die or he doesn’t think his old(er) ass is going to die before you?

Either way, he sounds arrogant, deluded, in denial and uncaring about you, the mother of his children. Definitely start taking steps to shore up your financial position, though you may have to do it alone.

MrsKwazi · 03/11/2024 08:38

No use in separating. As you are not married you are not entitled to anything anyway, unless it is explicitly in your name. Child maintenance yes.
Do you work?

MissyB1 · 03/11/2024 08:39

Why did you have children with him before financially securing yourself by marriage? So many women do this, you have put yourself in such a vulnerable position. I would insist the will is re written or I'd be leaving.

Applesandcream · 03/11/2024 08:39

See a solicitor as you can set up a lifetime trust so you can live in the house until you die but not legally own it. This is solves the problem if he's worried about you remarrying.

Are you going to benefit from his pension?

coffeesaveslives · 03/11/2024 08:40

You've been incredibly naive.

It's his house, you're not married and he won't put you in his will.

Please tell me you at least have savings and somewhere to go in the event of a break up?

CarpetShampoo · 03/11/2024 08:41

"Also do a Will for yourself and, apart from allocating him being allowed to live in your side of the house for a time, do not leave anything to him."
OP doesn't have a side of the house unless she is on the deeds. It sounds as if she has no assets to leave. Unless she owns another property or has a separate income and pension.

Spagettifunctional · 03/11/2024 08:41

It would be over for me. So unkind of him.

Original poster
YourRealBiscuit · 03/11/2024 08:41

In answer to some questions

I work, fair salary and I do have a small LISA with about £6k in it, for my area it’s not too far away from a house deposit

The children are tweens. The will would be set up for my boy to have the house and the girl to have the money is his plan.

He’s never wanted to get married, even back when things were in the honeymoon romance stage!

If I’m really honest I’ve always felt like a bolt-on. The fact we lived in his home, and he didn’t want to get married, it’s always made me feel like I wasn’t a permanent fixture anyway.

That’s why I saved in the LISA just in case but isn’t it a really cold. Significant move to buy my own house? Presumably I’d need a BTR mortgage needing a 20% deposit which would be harder. It’s taken me a while to get back into work after the kids and working part time but now I’m in a position to save a lot more now.

OP posts:
Boobygravy · 03/11/2024 08:41

Well you know what to do.
You spend his money whilst saving your own and you get a mortgage asap on a little flat for security, rent it out in the meantime.
Put all your effort into feathering your own nest.

LuluBlakey1 · 03/11/2024 08:42

YourRealBiscuit · 03/11/2024 08:23

Backstory
we’ve been together almost 14 years. We’ve got children. Not married. His house we have lived in. He’s 60 I’m 50.

Am I being unreasonable that I’m annoyed now he’s doing his will his intention is to leave everything to the kids?
We have a decade age gap and I can’t help wondering what would happen to me of he died before me?
he sees it as his stuff so he leaves to who he wants to but I think it’s a huge red flag coupled with the fact obviously he’s not popped the question too

feels to me like he doesn’t really see us as an US?

what do you think?

I think, if your children are still very young and he dies, that you will be able to remain in the house until they are of age and wish to sell it.Then you could find yourself very quickly homeless with no money to help you acquire a home.

If they are already adults when he dies and don't live there, you could find yourself very quickly homeless with no money to help you acquire a home.

He is also putting your relationship with your children in a very pressured situation.

If he understands all of this, he is unkind, uncaring of you and a shit.

If he doesn't understand it, he needs to very quickly.

orangewasp · 03/11/2024 08:42

It's ridiculous that he's saying that won't happen. He's male and a decade older, it's more than likely you will outlive him. You may well have done a fair few years as his carer before then too.

You are in a very vulnerable position OP, don't bury your head in the sand like he's doing. You need to review where you are with all tour financials (house, assets, work, pensions) and make decisions (with your head not heart) that protect yourself.

Not sure I'd want to be with someone who demonstrated so little care for me.

BeMintBee · 03/11/2024 08:42

Time to get your financial affairs in order. Regardless of where your relationship goes you are 50 so need to thinking about securing complete financial independence so you know you can look after yourself in the future.

HoppityBun · 03/11/2024 08:44

BeMintBee · 03/11/2024 08:42

Time to get your financial affairs in order. Regardless of where your relationship goes you are 50 so need to thinking about securing complete financial independence so you know you can look after yourself in the future.

This 100% though it would have been better to think about finances before committing to 14 years of what is essentially, a fudge. Get legal advice as a priority.

Notsuchafattynow · 03/11/2024 08:44

What is you current housing arrangement?

He can't will a house to the kids if you are on the mortgage and legally own half. (Or bought outright with cash).

What are the terms of the will?

Is he leaving his 'half' to the kids?

If so, then this is fair and exactly what we've done.

What does your will say OP?

Createausername1970 · 03/11/2024 08:44

MissyB1 · 03/11/2024 08:39

Why did you have children with him before financially securing yourself by marriage? So many women do this, you have put yourself in such a vulnerable position. I would insist the will is re written or I'd be leaving.

Don't leave - yet!

It's not your house, so I am not sure you would be able to return. Leaving is your final option. Diplomacy and talking sense to him is the way forward, as well as taking stock of your own financial position. And if that means contributing substantially less to the household to enable you to pay more into pension or savings, then so be it.

Hekett · 03/11/2024 08:44

Does he have a life insurance policy? If not he needs to set one up paying out to you.

NeedToChangeName · 03/11/2024 08:45

Justsayit123 · 03/11/2024 08:32

You could be homeless when he dies. I’d separate now and get your share.

Her share of what? The house belongs to him

Honestly, I think it's really important people understand the difference between marriage and cohabitation. Both are valid, but people need to understand the implications of their choices

BeMintBee · 03/11/2024 08:45

Yes it’s a significant move to buy your own house but no colder than your partners actions towards you. He’s not going to marry you and may never change his will or even if he says he is going to he could change it back at any point or you could separate.

you need to be “cold”

fabricstash · 03/11/2024 08:46

You need to put yourself first because he is not going to. And of course he will likely die before you. Do you work full time? What is your pension like. You might just be able to get a mortgage now but it will be a struggle. I am in a long term relationship with children which is not ideal but I have my name on mortgage 50/50 and have always worked