To be annoyed I’m not in partners will????

[YourRealBiscuit]

Backstory
we’ve been together almost 14 years. We’ve got children. Not married. His house we have lived in. He’s 60 I’m 50.

Am I being unreasonable that I’m annoyed now he’s doing his will his intention is to leave everything to the kids?
We have a decade age gap and I can’t help wondering what would happen to me of he died before me?
he sees it as his stuff so he leaves to who he wants to but I think it’s a huge red flag coupled with the fact obviously he’s not popped the question too

feels to me like he doesn’t really see us as an US?

what do you think?

🥺 This must be a massive shock OP, that the relationship you thought you had isn’t so; the rejection must be hard to hear.
Sending a massive virtual hug and good energy 💫
On a more positive note, better to have found out now than further down the line when you can’t do anything about it.
Try not to wallow and get yourself in a victim mentality.
Time to find your roar, fire into action and step up for you 💪🏻 xx

I've been following your posts and wanted to send you my best OP. It's a horrible situation but the positives are that you've found out now before nursing him in his old age and then being left with nothing. You still have time to build a happy, new life. Well done for taking action. You're doing the right thing.

You sound lovely, OP. Sending you all the luck in the world.
I just do not understand these men who are content to use women as childbearers and rearers, then dump them when no longer useful.

Make sure you have sensible responses ready and practised for when he starts throwing accusations at you.

You are a golddigger/are grabby
”Incorrect - I thought we were a partnership. I gave up my chance for a career the last 14 years to raise our children. This has allowed you to accrue a small fortune and provide security for yourself in old age. Whilst leaving me financially screwed. Surely that makes you the golddigger doesn’t it? I’m not asking for half of everything, I’m not asking for marriage - I’m just asking for you to care what happens to me if you die first.”

So you are going to leave me if I don’t have you in my will? That proves you were only with me for money.
“No I am leaving you because your actions and words have shown me that you do not care what happens to me in my old age. It clearly shows that you don’t love me the same way I love you. I cannot stay with someone who doesn’t love me, care about my security, doesn’t see me as an equal.”

Personally I would try bite my tongue for 1-2 years, plough every penny I earned into savings/ISA. Don’t pay a penny towards his property/bills, since he’s made it clear it’s only his home. Build up that nest egg as big as you can ……….. then quietly get yourself a mortgage for a small property of your own. Announce you are splitting the day you complete.

Two great posts @Hollietree . I feel so sorry for @YourRealBiscuit being hit with this massive revelation about how little her P (not DP!) cares for her future security - it's utterly callous. I think your advice for OP to stay in situ and raise the kids to adulthood, whilst secretly saving as much as she can for her future, is spot on, although I don't know how she could tolerate being anywhere in his orbit knowing what she knows now (if it were me, I'd be having to make many more chocolate cakes - and squishing them - to stop myself from punching him! 😂)

@YourRealBiscuit you sound lovely and I'm so sorry that this selfish and blinkered man has treated you in this way.

Well done for waking up and smelling the coffee. I hope that in his appointment today the solicitor puts these facts more solidly and objectively in his mind.

From herein I think you put yourself first in every respect. You deserve that at the very least. Good luck.

This isn't something to fight OP as if someone loves you, it's clear as day.
You wouldn't have to question it.

Whatever decision he makes today, even if in your favour, he can change his mind at any moment.

He'll dangle it in front of you as a way to keep you in line.
That's no way to live.

You know your kids are looked after, you have a career and you've owned your part in this and have a plan.

Work towards your goal and as others have said, and leave.
Even if he marries you, he can still leave it all to the kids anyway.
He's shown he's not to be trusted or relied on.

Have the rest of your time there your own terms, expecting nothing.

This.

OP, he's probably done you a favour. It doesn't sound like he loves you, or that you love him anymore, so at least you wont be trapped there for the next couple of decades with no kids to distract you from a loveless relationship. You're only 50, you will go on to have a happier life, even if it's less comfortable. Good luck! I think you'll be fine.

Also remind yourself that he is no prize. He’s in his 60s with children. Even though he has a bit of money, do you think that if you walk away that women are going to be fighting to date an old man with dependant children? By the time the kids are adults he’ll be in his 70s. He’s likely going to end up old and lonely……… when he had a perfect family, a younger wife who loved him and he threw it all away because of his selfishness.

Just get married! doesn't have to be a 20K massive affair (i.e town hall) but will cut the gordian knot in the most simple manner. If he refuses... you have a bugger problem...

<sigh> He doesn’t want to get married.

You're forgetting that marriage (or a Civil Partnership) is a legal contract first and foremost. It matters far, far more than cutting a cake, wearing a fancy frock and arguing over the guest list.

You wouldn't go into a Business Partnership without a fully considered Legal Contract would you? Anything that involves assets - both physical and financial - needs to be carefully considered and mutually agreed first. The marriage vows actually emphasise the importance of the undertaking before you go ahead.

So without such a contract there is nothing to present to a Court for judgement is there. There is no framework on which either side can present their arguments.

I hear what you're saying. Hi unwillingness is telling, es in light of what you have posted. I didn't care about a marriage (in fact found the whole big wedding not that enjoyable) but it represents commitment .... And again, can cost almost nothing...

Any update on how his meeting went, @YourRealBiscuit ? Wonder if his solicitor asked about provision for you and a better split for the two children, and what he answered.

As everyone says, or at least those who understand he doesn't want to marry you, now's the time to plough everything into your savings and keep staying with him for as long as possible while you build up enough to leave him. If you get a raise or bonus at work, don't tell him, just squirrel it away.

Best of luck to you...

OP, I’d get the heck out of there before he gets Alzheimer’s/Dementia and you feel morally obliged to look after him 24/7/365. He already sounds a bit ‘off’ thinking he will outlive you.

Why can't you ask him directly and say exactly how you feel about everything?

Surely, if you have lived together for all those years and have children together, even if you haven't worked, you would still be entitled to 50% of the house and money if you split up.

This is a really common misconception and something that more people really need to be aware of.

No. Because she is not married..There's no such thing as a common law wife.

I am horrified that the life you have had together and had children which you gave birth to and looked after them and it counts for nothing.
Does he help with household duties? Who shops, cooks, cleans and does laundry?
In my view, he owes you a fortune.

Well. Duh.

Your view doesn’t count.

Don't be so bitchy.