When you see me doing this I'm really ..

[VictorianMother]

I live on a busy road. When I leave my home I wave at the front window to make it look like I'm saying bye to someone but there's no one home. I think I'm trying to deter possibly burglars from thinking no one is home.

I'm sure I'm tricking no one 😆

When I'm taking my time washing or drying my hands in a public loo, I'm really waiting for someone to come in the main door so I can hook my foot or elbow on the door to exit so I don't have to touch the handle.

When I'm on a phone call in my garden it's because I don't want to speak to my neighbour who monopolises the conversation and will talk for an hour about her dog. I'm not on a call but talking to myself. Sometimes i laugh whilst on "the call".

My husband thinks I've lost it.

I have a few more....

Are there things you do that you're covering for other things?

@chrispineismybff I think that's great! I have a group of imaginary servants that I pretend are working in the house as I'm falling asleep - two between maids, a cook, and a butler. (They have names.) I think they're inspired by Agatha Christie novels like The Body in the Library. It makes me feel like someone is in charge and relaxes me so I can get to sleep. If I'm unwell, I imagine them very tiny and cleaning /repairing various things in my body, like scrubbing out my arteries or stitching a sore muscle up!
Edited to add: I call out 'hi, everybody!' when I'm coming home, even if I know no-one's there, and 'bye, guys!' when I'm leaving. Just to deter all the baddies.

If I’m walking down the street but realise I need to go the other direction I get my phone out as if I’ve got a message.

Daft apeth

If it’s late at night and I am walking home from somewhere I inevitably have fake phone calls to deter anyone who might think about doing me a mischief and it’s a double bluff as it looks as if I am not looking at everything that is going on around me but I’m actually hypervigilant.

Also if I’ve had a long or hairy drive (I drive through a lot of very rural places) then when I am safely parked back home, I turn the engine off and pat the car’s steering wheel and say: “Well done little car” as if the car had done all the work. I really don’t know why I do this, it’s almost like a talismanic thing for having got home safely. Also my car isn’t little so I’m using a diminutive to somehow soothe it. I do think this is odd, not the phone thing, but the car thing for sure.

No comments but lovely use of 'daft hayporth'. Only ever heard said out loud by my lovely late grandma so I would have spelt it a'puth (maybe). Thanks for making me smile and remember her today 😊

I've just caught up and love to see I'm not alone! The germ thing - I've seen so many people use public loos and not wash their hands. It's just a preference to not have possibly someone's urine (etc) on my hand after I've just washed my hands.

The worst is when the handle is wet. Yes I know this most likely would be from someone washing their hands but I just can't.

I’m having a stressful time at the moment and I’m going to try out a few Fictional Emotional Support People to see if any of them fit. Not Chris, Alan or Jeremy, obvs, they’re busy enough.

@catscalledbeanz I agree. Really nasty. I slightly anthropomorphise inanimate objects and feel a bit sorry for the ruined food on the shelf. I always assumed it was toddlers or teens being rebellious and vandally. Not actual adults. It's sort of bitter and vengeful in a weird way.

Re. the point of the thread, which a lot of people seem to have ignored:

When more self-conscious, if I was walking somewhere and realised I was going the wrong way, I'd make a sort of show of remembering something and having to turn back.
Also have done the chocolate bar thing, like OP. Ooh, these will last me a couple of days etc. Or buying a pizza if I work a Sat, I pretend it's for the team lunch. It's not.

Bollocks did I. Look back, I came down hard on that poster for their selfish behaviour. If you are going to name check, at least name check the right person. I’d appreciate you asking MN to edit your post to correct it.

Ah, sorry. Maybe I looked at a post with the poster quoted. I think I should be able to edit it myself though? Will go back and see.

I've done this OP.

Also, when a large group of people often lads are walking towards me, I can sometimes find this intimidating, I wave and shout hello to my (imaginary) friend behind them - just incase they were planning to attack me.

I used to shout "bye mum" up the stairs when leaving the flat I lived in as a teenager when it was actually empty

@marmamumma , ha'p'orth is short for halfpenny worth. A ha'penny is an ancient item of coinage dating back to the Dark Ages of the late 20th century AD

Missing the point, I know, but it's not 'hayporth' or 'apeth', it's ha'porth' (or sometimes 'ha'p'orth'). Short for 'halfpennyworth' - something that is only worth a halfpenny, which would only be a small thing... I've always taken 'daft ha'porth' to mean 'silly little thing'.

heebie-jeebies germ level unlocked with hotel TV remote controls. I take a bag of antiseptic wipes (have a small one in my handbag) and wipe the remote or wrap it in the free plastic shower cap.

Yes.
I cross over the road, even when it’s really inconvenient to me.Think l prefer, the wave and hello approach though, sounds so much easier.

I am the last person to leave the house every morning so I also do the wave and shout goodbye to the empty house thing.
I am also the first to get home so I wave and shout hi to the empty house when going in, in case a Baddy Criminal has followed me home!

I'm afraid Jeff Bridges/ The Dude has just taken up a post with me, so you'll need to discount him too.

Easily done.You can only edit though, before you’ve posted.

@VictorianMother you can lift the bottom of your shirt, only takes a moment so you’re not exposed for long.

Sorry, not sure what you mean - do you mean you can only edit before you make a subsequent, follow-up post?

I couldn’t amend the post though, as you say, but MN assured me they’ve edited the name out. 🙂

Do you ever buy any of the food you destroy?

When snowing I've walked backwards from the front door to my car so potential robbers can't tell I'm not in. I've also taken to negotiating street fulls of chuggers, people begging at bank ATMs, asking for money ( like I'm going to give my card details to a complete randomer) and people I don't want to talk to by having a pretend conversation on my phone. I've also programmed my phone to ring towards the end of my visit for work so I don't have to spend time chatting.

Just saying that l’ve done it myself, made an error, realised after l posted but then wasn’t able to edit to correct.Just one of those things.