When you see me doing this I'm really ..

[VictorianMother]

I live on a busy road. When I leave my home I wave at the front window to make it look like I'm saying bye to someone but there's no one home. I think I'm trying to deter possibly burglars from thinking no one is home.

I'm sure I'm tricking no one 😆

When I'm taking my time washing or drying my hands in a public loo, I'm really waiting for someone to come in the main door so I can hook my foot or elbow on the door to exit so I don't have to touch the handle.

When I'm on a phone call in my garden it's because I don't want to speak to my neighbour who monopolises the conversation and will talk for an hour about her dog. I'm not on a call but talking to myself. Sometimes i laugh whilst on "the call".

My husband thinks I've lost it.

I have a few more....

Are there things you do that you're covering for other things?

I do old fashioned aerobics in the kitchen to the radio and count out loud, and do a little running commentary. " Right high knee rises on the right" "if you are feeling tired, just walk this bit" no idea why, it just makes me laugh.

This! I mean, WTF mumsnet? What’s an “apeth” when it’s at home?

TBF I don't always avoid toilet doors, mainly in McDonald's because they are always greasy 🤢

I don't think the cake squashing MNer is out to ruin anyone's day! It's more of a satisfying sensation thing I bet. And not everyone would find a squashed or snapped biscuit to be the end of the world. Maybe the supermarket would reduce it, I'd buy it then. It tastes the same if it's squashed.

Hayporth/ha'peth however people are spelling it is short for halfpenny (it's a contraction of half penny worth), as in "not quite all there" "not the full shilling" "few sandwiches short of a picnic" but gentler. You daft hayporth! Like calling someone a silly sausage, it's not that mean.

The behaviours IMHO are a mixture of germophobia (the door thing) social awkwardness (pretend phone call) and coping mechanisms for how awful men can be (the fake waving thing). TBH I think it would be exhausting to live like this, get therapy!!!! But that just my opinion, if you're happy, carry on.

The fake browsers: ridiculous, it's a supermarket, say excuse me and get the item you want? Why are you so scared of asking someone to move a few centimetres 🤔

.............I had one friend as a child who used this phrase.

I do not care to admit for how many decades I assumed that 'apeth' was something to do with a monkey.

I'm just going to need a quiet minute 😅.

How someone chooses to leave a toilet to avoid germs, is nobody else’s concern, that was my point.The people who, try to avoid germs, could potentially have obsessional compulsive disorder which is a recognised mental health condition.
The post is more to do have adding your own, foibles, is it really necessary to say someone’s behaviour is ridiculous and abnormal? in light of this being a mental health condition.If you think most MN posts are so rubbish, why read them.

When it is at home it is usually a daft one.

You are going to say you don't know what morngy is next aren't you?

Morngy sounds so wrong. I definitely don’t want that in my browser history.

These are hilarious! I'm now going to assume half of people on their phones are having imaginary calls.

The person who breaks biscuits and squashes cakes in the supermarket though - not quirky or funny, it's just spiteful.

Sounds like avery British problem 😀

That’s awful! Does this destructive urge extend to people @Itiswhysofew

This is one of the most wholesomely hilarious things I have ever read 😅. Honestly, whatever gets you through the day.

I'm now thinking about who my imaginary cheerleader should be...

I have no idea what morngy is 🤷

And it's ha'p'orth.

I occasionally have pretend phone calls while walking the dog, to avoid long conversations with the usual subjects. Sometimes, if I'm not in a rush, I don't mind, but often I just can't face it.

I usually try to avoid using handrails because of germs.
It makes me go all wobbly on escalators so I have no idea why I think risking plummeting down the escalator is worth avoiding potential germs.

When I lived alone and used to order takeaway almost every night I would always approach the front door with loud comments to like 'I'll get the door, you grab the drinks!' Or 'yep that's fine I'll get it!' Just because I didn't want to look greedy.

This is a really shit, selfish thing to do. And yes, you absolutely can help it.

I’m not joining in your carefully crafted ‘oh I am so hilarious! I am so quirky and fun!’ self- image, as I am not a ten year old desperate to be accepted by the group.

Your behaviour is tedious and selfish and you should grow up.

I don't get this, if you don't like touching door handles and handrails maybe wear some gloves?

Dh once locked himself out of our house but a window just above shoulder height was open. He was busily trying to scramble through it when a passing police car stopped and one of the cops asked politely; 'Can we help?' DH thanked them and asked them if they could manage to hold the window a little wider so he had better access. Then he was in, opened the door thanked them profusely and they all went about their day. (They then did ask for his ID tbf).

A wonderful elderly friend who lived alone had a glass porch on her house. Next to her shoes were a pair of size 11 work-boots. She said that was to deter burglars.

Having been a Jeremy Irons fan for 40+ years I’m now going to make him into my imaginary support worker.
Life just got better!

I agree. It's horrible.

@chrispineismybff I have a similar cheerleader to help me get to sleep. Tells me I'm great, gives me a hug. Maybe I'll enrol him into daytime cheerleading as well.

For some reason my cheerleader is Alan Alda's Hawkeye from MASH, not entirely sure why. I think I tried him out once in the cheerleader role and it was successful, so he has now played the part for a couple of decades. As a child Starsky and / or Hutch played the role but I grew out of them (showing my age a bit here).

Get help...

I thought it was 'apeth'....

To be fair it's a constriction of the full phrase
Half a pennies worth
Which becomes
H'apennies'orth
A time goes on
And, in the fullness of time on to
H'ap'orth

So given it's a full phrase really and not a word... Spell it however you like. 😁