When you see me doing this I'm really ..

[VictorianMother]

I live on a busy road. When I leave my home I wave at the front window to make it look like I'm saying bye to someone but there's no one home. I think I'm trying to deter possibly burglars from thinking no one is home.

I'm sure I'm tricking no one 😆

When I'm taking my time washing or drying my hands in a public loo, I'm really waiting for someone to come in the main door so I can hook my foot or elbow on the door to exit so I don't have to touch the handle.

When I'm on a phone call in my garden it's because I don't want to speak to my neighbour who monopolises the conversation and will talk for an hour about her dog. I'm not on a call but talking to myself. Sometimes i laugh whilst on "the call".

My husband thinks I've lost it.

I have a few more....

Are there things you do that you're covering for other things?

I read bread gropers as bearded gropers and felt very confused
But yes I do a lot of these things too.

@VictorianMother When I'm taking my time washing or drying my hands in a public loo, I'm really waiting for someone to come in the main door so I can hook my foot or elbow on the door to exit so I don't have to touch the handle

Maybe I'm being thick but I don't understand why you're avoiding a door handle when you've just used a public loo and adjusted your clothes after wiping yourself after using the loo - haven't you already got germs on you and your clothing that washing your hands isn't going to get rid of ........... ??

I love this thread. I have found my tribe.

I remember having a very showy neighbour when mobile phones were regarded as a luxury. He'd be outdoors shouting into his phone so everyone could hear him. One day he was having a "conversation" and then his phone rang...

Make sure to have your phone on silent if you're pretending to talk to someone. 🤣

To be fair some moustachioed bearded dysfunctional bread gropers roam freely

Wow! Why on earth would you do that? It seems so pointlessly mean spirited.

WTF is a hayporth?

It's an abbreviation for halfpennyworth.

So op do you think there're burglars stood there watching and waiting to pounce when you go out? Or are at home?

And if there are then I presume they do it to others so why don't we see any burglars around casing thr joint when we are out and about the streets doing it to others?

Wtf?! Are we all going to pretend this is anything but pure nastiness?! What a horrible human you must be to ruin things for others for no apparent reason. Dreadful. I knew horrible people existed but the complete pointlessness of this really delivers how mean people are.

When I'm sitting there all quiet and pensive, slowly stroking my chin, I'm not having deep and meaningful thoughts. I have found a chin hair and it's annoying me.

I pretend I’ve lost my debit/credit cards if I’m in a restaurant with an added service charge and the service was shit or not worth the full amount. I make sure I always have cash and wait till the staff move from the table and leave the cash.
If it’s good service then I’m happy to pay it and usually try to give a cash tip to the person who served me so I know it goes directly to them.

If I need the toilet and have no choice but to use a public toilet I pretend I’m looking for someone first to see how clean it is and how many people are in there.

If I see someone I don’t like in a supermarket I pretend to be friendly with them then put something embarrassing in their trolley like lube and a huge courgette. I live in a small town so I’ve managed to get a small petty revenge on the girls who bullied me and the woman my ex fiance cheated on me with. A stranger once slammed her trolley into me and called me a cunt so I peeled off security tag stickers and stuck them on the back of her coat. She looked genuinely panicked when she was stopped by security so it’s possible I did them a favour and caught a shoplifter 😂.

My friend carries haemorrhoid cream in her bag so if she gets unwanted attention from men she pulls it out as though by accident and asks if they have ever tried it and could they recommend this brand?! They sometimes don’t know what it is so she elaborates on how big her piles are and that usually gets rid of them when she talks about bunches of grapes.

I do the toilet door thing too, wait for someone to come in so I don't have to touch the handle. Was just thinking someone would be along soon to tell us that the word apeth we use that I'd no idea of the origin was actually extremely offensive with some controversial background and accuse us all of being terrible people for using it. So thanks for the explanation that seems inoffensive and uncontroversial.

So relieved to find I’m not the only one that’s scared of toilet door handles….
Sometimes when I get a parcel delivered and I happen to be on a day off I find myself telling the delivery guy that its my day off so they don’t think I’m workshy
I realise they don’t care either way but strangely it bothers me 🤷‍♀️

Duck into a cubicle and grab some loo roll?

It's been years since I've heard this. Thank you. Brings back good memories.

Could it be, well l can’t eat that cake or biscuits, so l’ll take my frustration out on it and ruin someone else’s enjoyment.Maybe l’m looking too deeply into this😂

I don't get it myself. Just ruining someone else's enjoyment doesn't seem right to me. Btw I do know quite a lot about obsessive behaviour, rumination and rituals and how that goes.

Hahahaha, I think you're my new best friend OP!

I shout 'byeeee' when I leave the house if anyone is coming along the road (I live alone btw). When I get a takeaway delivered, as I shut the door, I shout 'food is here!' so the delivery driver doesn't think I'm a greedy cow. I literally crawl below the garden fence so I don't get collared by my neighbour and also whip out my phone and pretend to be deep in conversation as needed 😆

Nope, just being a human.

I've found a kindred spirit! I can't imagine doing any of these things.

Honest to God that is all just bloody weird and totally exhausting

If I see someone I don’t like in a supermarket I pretend to be friendly with them then put something embarrassing in their trolley like lube and a huge courgette.

Really???

I don’t snap products,or have 3 act plays for every eventuality. Def no haemorrhoid cream or courgette
Maul the door handle with spontaneous abandon, unless your immunosuppressed nothing major going to happen

MN is a parallel universe at times. I couldn't be bothered with all that drama, and constantly worrying about and trying to avoid "germs" is ridiculous nonsense.

That’s just performative for the sake of it. What a fucking drama and elaborate lie to invent
Can’t she Learn to assertively deflect unwanted attention without making up elaborate attention seeking guff. It is very oh isn’t I see very clever,what til I get out the anusol. Oh and the grapes…yes that does it every time