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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left DP at pub to get home on his own

313 replies

Confused2691 · 02/11/2024 21:34

DP and I spent this afternoon (from 3pm) at our nearby friends. We had our 4m DD with us. DP and friends drinking, me not. We live at the end of a single track lane basically in the woods so have to drive everywhere, including the friends from today 10/15 mins away.

At 6pm we all walked to the local bonfire and fireworks. Got back to our friends village at 8.30pm. DP then told me he wanted to go for dinner and some more drinks at the local pub. Given it had been a long day for DD, past her usual bedtime and hadn’t slept much I said no, explaining why to DP and that we should go home. DP refused, saying he wanted another drink. He offered to not eat and just have a drink but I again repeated we needed to get home for DD who wasn’t very happy. He again said he wanted to stay so I said fine but I was going home in the car and he would have to find his own way home if he stayed. He said fine, he’ll walk. I left with DD.

The walk will take an hour at least and none of which on pavements. Both ways include walking down a main road with no pavements or streetlight. He could try a taxi but unlikely to get one at this time as we’re not in the big town. For background context, I always try to make an effort to pick him up if he’s out with friends drinking and I’m with DD at home. However he has been insensitive in the past such as refusing to make alternate arrangements for transport after a wedding when I was 10 days PP so I had to pick him up at 2am.. I hadn’t driven yet as was nervous to drive with baby and had an infected episiotomy so was still in pain driving. There is nothing other than the additional cost stopping him from booking a taxi, he has before, but he doesn’t. I think I need to put my foot down as he keeps taking advantage of me being a people pleaser. I’m also annoyed he couldn’t understand that our baby DD needed to go home.

That said, he thinks I’m being unreasonable so maybe I am. What do you think?

P.S he has just messaged asking me to pick him up! Currently feeding DD.

OP posts:
roadrager · 03/11/2024 01:17

He needs to grow up fast and wake up to the fact you have a child, so he needs to stop acting like one.

Good that you didn't go to pick him up.

What an ass.

Well done you for putting your child's needs before your own x

Livblon · 03/11/2024 01:42

@Confused2691 he sounds like a twat OP. I too have a 4 month old and would not accept this selfishness from my DP. I’m lucky he doesn’t drink though.

It annoys me so much what when we have babies our lives change so much, always putting babies needs before our own. Whereas the dads lives change nowhere near as much and they still continue putting their own wants and needs first

DBD1975 · 03/11/2024 01:43

It sounds like you have 2 children! What an a* he is a father now and needs to prioritise your daughter (and you). Don't be mad, don't be angry, just be 'done' with enabling his selfish, mysoginestic behaviour by letting him walk. To be honest when he gets home I would tell him to keep on walking, his behaviour is unacceptable and what you allow will continue.

hellywelly3 · 03/11/2024 01:51

He needs to start acting like a father not a single bloke. Dragging a baby out late at night is for emergencies only.
Getting you to pick him up 10days pp with an infection is just cruel

CelestiaNoctis · 03/11/2024 02:06

This was so unpleasant to read. What a horrible father and partner. He needs to wake up quick before you realise life is better without such a horrible burden of a person. Awful! Red flags galore 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 4 months old too! Wow wow wow. I'm so sorry.

Savingthehedgehogs · 03/11/2024 04:02

You have a tiny baby, he should not have been drinking heavily in the first place. He should have stayed sober and driven you both home at your baby’s bedtime, putting you both first. I am shocked he would call you to go out in the middle of the night with such a tiny baby. He needs to start caring about your safety,you must be exhausted.

Does he have a drink problem op?
I hope you have real life support, keep posting here MN will be here for you 💐

beachcitygirl · 03/11/2024 04:23

If this was a one off & he would do the same for me, then I would oblige.
If it's a regular billshit then I would ignore the text & be aware I'm living with a selfish prick

TiredEyesSoreHeart · 03/11/2024 04:43

YANBU Baby comes first and he'd been drinking all day. Why couldn't he pick up from the bottleshop drinks to take home and have them there, instead of drinking in the pub?

That said, making you drive 10 days pp shows what a piece of shit he is. He should have been worshipping the ground you walked on, caring for you and driving you and helping you. What did your mum say about that? Did his mum know? Both your mum and his mum should have read the riot act. Sadly it sounds like you bred with a selfish worthless piece of shit who won't ever truly put you and the baby first, only himself and his convenience first. Are you sure you want to raise a baby with him. If he is not use to you when you're sick, have an infection and are in pain, what use is he? What use is he to you? He is adding to your work. I'd throw him out, he is more hindrance than help. If you want to stay with the pos I'd be sitting him down and really talking with him, and I'd NEVER let him forget he made you drive when you were sick and in pain. That is unforgiveable. I'd make sure he did a bloody sharp 180 or he'd know the relationship is over.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 03/11/2024 04:57

You know that you’re not being unreasonable. You have a big problem here OP. Switch off your phone and go to bed and in the morning when he’s sober tell DH that this can’t go on.

Miniopolis · 03/11/2024 05:10

Edingril · 02/11/2024 22:10

Well I'd this was reversed on here he would be expected to pick you up

Except mothers tend to put babies first don’t they? Unlike men like him.. So what’s your point?

HelloYouGuys · 03/11/2024 05:14

Confused2691 · 02/11/2024 23:05

Thank you for all your responses.

I did not pick him up. He is staying at the friends house. I hope this is a wake up call for him but not sure - we did speak and he still thinks I am being unreasonable.

You have done the right thing OP.
If you had picked him up, you would always be expected to do so.

I agree that now he's a father, his needs come second for sure, and maybe even third after you...

His time for acting selfishly was when ge was single, comprising when he committed to you, and selflessly when pregnancy and baby cake along.

You will be doing a lot of advocating for you dc as they develop, so your action tonight is the start.
Your dc can't say for themselves that they do or don't want to do something, so you are doing the right thing by being a caring, loving responsible mother.
What is more, he should be thankful to you for showing your maturity in this matter, and loving you all the more for it.
You go girl 🥰

Changeyourfuckingcar · 03/11/2024 05:16

ImNunTheWiser · 02/11/2024 23:08

But you discussed it and he said ‘ok, I’ll walk back’.
Remind him of that.

Show quote history

This! What a silly twat. Not a chance would I even be giving any argument the time of day, you made your choice, fella, deal with it.

CalmBalonz · 03/11/2024 05:27

He is being a total arsehole. Is having gyet another drink more important than you and your daughter? He needs to grow up and sort his shit out!

ApolloandDaphne · 03/11/2024 06:04

You did the right thing. He needs to wake up to the fact he has an infant child whose needs come first. You can't be dragging her out in the car just to pick up a sulky drunk man.

Pinkchicken85 · 03/11/2024 06:10

What a prince (!)
I’d be setting down some very firm boundaries with him. You’re not a taxi service and your baby comes first.

Plumedenom · 03/11/2024 06:15

Don't go pick him up immediately when he calls for a lift this morning. Have a few baby crises to deal with. If he has to mooch around the other house his hosts won't want to make this a regular thing.

Cookiedough123 · 03/11/2024 06:16

Glad you haven’t picked him up. He needs to download the uber app and pay for taxis! When we had a baby my partner stopped asking for lifts so maybe you need to make it clear that now you won’t be doing pick ups unless it’s before a specific time!

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 03/11/2024 06:35

He's not really got his head round being a parent yet. At 4mths old you're all going to still be knackered and getting used to things. Not coming home at all last night was out of line. He's punishing you for holding your resolve. You weren't unreasonable and he needs to change his tune around nights out and expecting you and baby to be his early hours taxi service. I hope you and baby got some sleep last night.
Ps don't go pick him up from his mates this morning, let him make his own way home.

Fuzziduck · 03/11/2024 06:40

Just send him a link to this thread OP.

He is dreadful.
Go out and do something tomorrow morning with baby. Let him sort himself out getting home.

DustyLee123 · 03/11/2024 07:00

Once baby goes to bed that’s it, you’re in for the night.

user1492757084 · 03/11/2024 07:01

Next time a similar thing occurs remind husband that he needs to ensure that what he agrees to will happen, and that he was unfair to leave you alone all night with your shared child.

Don't be bullied into picking up partner who stays out too long drinking longer after night out.

Jmess · 03/11/2024 07:19

@Blueberrymuffin8 i don’t think she can go giving ultimatums at this point . She needs to set some ground rules and discuss and hopefully have some friends back her up. I don’t trust him.

MellowPanda · 03/11/2024 07:30

Savingthehedgehogs · 03/11/2024 04:02

You have a tiny baby, he should not have been drinking heavily in the first place. He should have stayed sober and driven you both home at your baby’s bedtime, putting you both first. I am shocked he would call you to go out in the middle of the night with such a tiny baby. He needs to start caring about your safety,you must be exhausted.

Does he have a drink problem op?
I hope you have real life support, keep posting here MN will be here for you 💐

Edited

This.

Or.can he not stay sober and drive himself?

MellowPanda · 03/11/2024 07:31

Cookiedough123 · 03/11/2024 06:16

Glad you haven’t picked him up. He needs to download the uber app and pay for taxis! When we had a baby my partner stopped asking for lifts so maybe you need to make it clear that now you won’t be doing pick ups unless it’s before a specific time!

No no, unless it's an emergency.

AlertCat · 03/11/2024 07:33

I’m also wondering if his drinking is problematic. Does he often get this sort of head on him if he wants ‘just one more’?