Left DP at pub to get home on his own

[Confused2691]

DP and I spent this afternoon (from 3pm) at our nearby friends. We had our 4m DD with us. DP and friends drinking, me not. We live at the end of a single track lane basically in the woods so have to drive everywhere, including the friends from today 10/15 mins away.

At 6pm we all walked to the local bonfire and fireworks. Got back to our friends village at 8.30pm. DP then told me he wanted to go for dinner and some more drinks at the local pub. Given it had been a long day for DD, past her usual bedtime and hadn’t slept much I said no, explaining why to DP and that we should go home. DP refused, saying he wanted another drink. He offered to not eat and just have a drink but I again repeated we needed to get home for DD who wasn’t very happy. He again said he wanted to stay so I said fine but I was going home in the car and he would have to find his own way home if he stayed. He said fine, he’ll walk. I left with DD.

The walk will take an hour at least and none of which on pavements. Both ways include walking down a main road with no pavements or streetlight. He could try a taxi but unlikely to get one at this time as we’re not in the big town. For background context, I always try to make an effort to pick him up if he’s out with friends drinking and I’m with DD at home. However he has been insensitive in the past such as refusing to make alternate arrangements for transport after a wedding when I was 10 days PP so I had to pick him up at 2am.. I hadn’t driven yet as was nervous to drive with baby and had an infected episiotomy so was still in pain driving. There is nothing other than the additional cost stopping him from booking a taxi, he has before, but he doesn’t. I think I need to put my foot down as he keeps taking advantage of me being a people pleaser. I’m also annoyed he couldn’t understand that our baby DD needed to go home.

That said, he thinks I’m being unreasonable so maybe I am. What do you think?

P.S he has just messaged asking me to pick him up! Currently feeding DD.

I don't understand how anyone copes with living in the countryside, it sounds like endless logistical nightmares.

Accurate. I'm sorry, OP.

That's what he was counting on. These men always count on that.

Good on you. I hope he has the most rancid of hangovers, tomorrow, so you can make. It very clear what a self absorbed dick he has been.

I'd be reading him the bloody riot act. Good on you not picking him up.

Make it very clear to him that he had the choice: stay and drink and get himself home, or come home with you. He made his choice, he doesn't get to moan at you because he hoped you didn't really mean it.

He sounds like a complete loser. He expects you to keep a small baby up in the pub so you can be his taxi after he has more drink? That's really his priority? To keep drinking and to hell with you and the baby.

Of course he's trying to brainwash you that it's your job to be on call for him when he's drinking even if it means dragging his baby out of bed. Don't fall for his bullshit.

Is he an alcoholic OP?? Or at minimum has a drink problem- because in my experience those who put themselves through so much inconvenience for 1 more drink often are - not that he couldn't have one more at home etc but alcoholics or those who aren't far off want that 'one more' in a social setting.

Exactly!

I went to a ''Free Party'' one NYE and walked home alone {4 miles} {Woman} in the early dawn as had had enough and the person with the vehicle wasn't ready to leave.

@Confused2691 Hope you heal up soon.
Episiotomy is painful , even uninfected, and why should you load your baby into a car to bump down a single track road?

It's not like a woman walking on her own in an isolated place.

An hour's walk for a man is nothing.

Sounds like he's not quite grown up yet or realised what being a parent entails. Are you the first of your friendship group to have a child? In all likelihood, the friend he's staying with will either be egging him on as they don't understand or be telling him he's unreasonable too.

I used to pick DH up when DD was teeny if it was convenient as she slept through everything and it didn't cause any issues. If it did for whatever reason, he'd get a taxi/lift or stay with a friend. Once she was older and it wasn't convenient, he didn't even ask anymore. He was one who didn't quite grip what being a parent entailed but is excellent now. They can learn so you may not have a lost cause. Best of luck

For the record, I wouldn't allow him to walk rurally with no street light. Someone from my rural hometown was killed on his walk home from the pub in these circumstances. Alternatives are available - and they are not your responsibility.

Well done for standing your ground.

I’d expect him to make his own way home tomorrow, bringing food to cook for you (if you’re breastfeeding the way he can feed the baby is to feed you nourishing food) and looking after the baby while you have a bit of time without that responsibility.

Remember, you aren’t being unreasonable. You’re both equally responsible for looking after your daughter. He is her parent.

He’s slow on the up take OP, his life now revolves round DD - he’s not passing probation as a parent yet.
She’s your priority and should be his too. Lay it on about how you’re still recovering from growing a person and learning how to look after her on your own as he keeps opting out. Arsehole should be on the sofa for a month!

YANBU and he needs to sort his shit out as carting the baby around at all hours only gets more difficult as she gets older

“Avatartar · Today 00:29

He’s slow on the up take OP, his life now revolves round DD - he’s not passing probation as a parent yet.
She’s your priority and should be his too. Lay it on about how you’re still recovering from growing a person and learning how to look after her on your own as he keeps opting out.”

This. He needs to realise he can’t just do what he wants when he wants anymore. Parents can’t: especially when the DCs are little.

Unbelievable behaviour. He needs to grow up.

Imagine expecting your wife to leave the house with a tiny baby at that time of night in order to collect you from the pub. Does he seriously not see how thoughtless that is?

Glad you didn't collect him. You're not his taxi anymore.

No more lifts for him op, he either comes home to parent along side you or he finds his own way or he can fuck off.... permenantly.

One of the saddest posts I've read.
OP, you and your daughter deserve more.
If he starts crapping on when he gets home tomorrow (hungover) ask him how would he feel if this happened to his daughter. Make him think.

I bet you any money he’ll roll in tomorrow afternoon, having left you alone with the baby (and still in pain) while he had a night away.

That’s job done, from his point of view. He asked for a lift, you said no, so it’s somehow your fault he’s had to be away overnight.

You are not being unreasonable.

There are too many men out there who pull shit like this, and unfortunately we only find out after the baby is born that it's a thing they do .

This sort of thing will go on for years (speaking from experience), unless you are very lucky and he quickly realizes he's being a tw*t.

Not only that, the 'mate' he is out with also needs to do better and support him to do the right thing.

I’m horrified by the wedding pick up anecdote and his general lack of prioritising your DD. On the basis of that I think not picking him up this time, or any time he doesn’t arrange it in advance and mutually agreed, is the way to go.

But I also wonder why you are living so far away from others in a difficult to get to place if at least one of you is a big socializer (and I may have misunderstood from your OP, but it sounds like this isn’t a particularly unusual situation)? If you have been the driver behind living where you do, then I think there is some need for compromise or different approaches to this issue if you’re going to stay together (the concerns above make we wonder if he’s partner material at all, though).

I wouldn’t have taken a four month old baby out from 3pm till 8.30pm tbh, let alone stay out even later. He needs to realise things change when you children. Forget bonfire nights of yesteryear, when you pile in the pub after fireworks, shit gets real now, he’s a grown-up with a child.

He sounds like a selfish prick. He’ll probably get a great nights sleep staying at his mates compared to being at home with the baby.

Exactly. Not a chance I would have gone out

He’s putting alcohol before you and the baby - fuck him

His solution is to not help with nighttime parenting tonight and then turn up at his leisure tomorrow? Does he remember he had a child and that he isn’t supposed to assume you will be the default parent?

even my very egalitarian husband did struggle with that one a bit. I automatically realized I couldn’t even leave the room without making sure he was the parent in charge. Yet he would just announce he was heading to run an errand without even asking if I was available to be the parent in charge for the duration of his absence. I had to nip that in the bud very quickly, but he got it