Old friend randomly blocked me

[Pureshores499]

For background purposes, I'm in my 40s now.
When I was in my 20s, I had a friend who I socialised a lot with (bars and clubs late 90's days) we had some amazing nights and were great friends, not super close though, mainly socially. As life progresses we both meet and marry, settle down etc. and lose touch, as sometimes happens in life. I know she's married with a son who I'm guessing is around 20 now.

Randomly one day a few months ago, I got thinking of her and could remember her Mums landline number (probably because we called each other so much back then before mobiles!)

I rang and spoke to her Mum. She remembered me and we had a brief chat. I asked for my old friends mobile and said I'd love to surprise her with a little WhatsApp and catch up on how she's doing.

I drop said friend a little message, along the lines of "hey old friend. Surprise! A little blast from your past. Ask how she's doing, tell her she had popped into my mind etc, explained how I'd amazingly remembered her parents home number etc. and just thought it would be good to check in all these years later now we're adulting 😊

She replies, brief, but pleasant asks how I am etc.

So I respond fairly briefly, tell her I'm married, where I'm living now etc. Casually say it would be nice to one day catch up for a coffee is she fancies it sometime.

That's it.

Stays on the grey tick. I got blocked. Obviously she never responded.

I can't understand. It's made me feel utterly crap. I'm obviously overthinking it, but who wouldn't. I've never done anything to offend her. I get that life moves on. Maybe she didn't fancy the coffee thing, but surely she could have just got around that by being vague and non committal (I can take a hint!) Just thought it was a nice little checkin to an old friend I'd lost touch with.

I just find people so rude. I thought it would be just a nice hi, was thinking of you and the fun times we has message - instead I come away from an innocently nice gesture feeling like I've been punched in the stomach (and also like a complete idiot!!)

She only lives about 10 miles from me, so I dread if I ever bump into her, I'd feel incredibly awkward now on how to navigate!

Anyone else had odd situations like this that fester in your mind?

I don't think contacting an old friend was weird at all. I love hearing from people. I think it is fine to suggest meeting, as long as you can cope with the fact that you will sometimes be rejected.

Here's what happened to me. I had a good friend at uin. She came to stay at my parents', came to my wedding, stayed in touch when we left uni, she relocated, etc.
About 7 years after we left uni, I was working full time, settled with my 2 children, busy but happy to meet up every now and then. She announced that she no longer wanted to see me and wanted to put all her energy into her nephews. I was sad, but hey - each to their own.

About 25 years later, she contacted me on FaceBook messenger. A lovely, long, newsy post about her job and family. I didn't reply straight away. But eventually I did. I replied with news about my family, my job, where I lived. That was about 4 years ago. There was never a reply. So I guess she dropped me twice! 😂😂

This did happen to me a couple of years ago - a girl I was at university with in the late 90's phoned my family home and tried to get my number from my dad. Luckily he didn't give it to her, and she then wrote a letter to that address. I cringed when I read it as she was clearly still in the same kind of partying mind frame as when we were late teens/early 20s and wrote as if we would just pick up where we left off two decades ago.

I admit I was quite creeped out as she was writing to a version of me that no longer existed. I then did look her up on social media and blocked her so she couldn't ever get in touch that way (even though she didn't know my married name) as I just found the whole thing quite odd and unsettling; as if someone was trying to drag me back into the past for no apparent reason!

@Parrotsandpussies

She just wanted to compare your lives

Your reaction is entirely understandable, I'd be the same. Hopefully your experience will help @Pureshores499 to understand a different perspective...

This thread is interesting, I've read all the replies (it's rare for me to read all the replies on a thread) and I've been amazed by some of the (really quite egotistical!) replies. I think it's probably fine to get in touch with someone you've been friends with on and off over the years, and you've unintentionally drifted. Or someone you've at least bumped into a few times (and the vibe is such that you get a sense they'd like to catch up). But not someone for whom you haven't saw hide nor hair of in decades! In the latter case, a FB message saying hope you're well is VERY different to tracking someone down PI style and swooping on them. And feeling wronged/resentful that they didn't welcome you with open arms??? Yes, very weird I'm afraid!

It’s not creepy at all! I lost touch with loads of college friends, only managed to get back in touch thanks to the invention of Facebook…. But there are still loads that I don’t have contact with due to surnames changing.. I’d love them to reach out!!

it’s odd that she responded then blocked you… maybe she’s in an abusive relationship and has blocked you because her partner was jealous of the connection to her past? God knows.. this is a her issue though and I’d try to forget it… if you bump into her just politely smile, say hi and keep walking.

I’d absolutely love for any of my old friends to reconnect!
it sounds like a them problem, and honesty I think it’s never bad to try to reconnect, it’s them on them whether they want that or not, but I’d hate for someone not to ‘just encase’ I didn’t like it.

Agree with all of the above. Some strange responses on this thread, and some very unfriendly people out there, apparently.

Or maybe not. Maybe she's just different; not the same as you.

This is what I meant in my earlier reference to an egotistical air - just because someone is different to you (ie perhaps values their privacy, content not to live in the past etc etc) it doesn't mean they have issues. It's also possible that they weren't as keen on you as you were on them. Maybe they actually didn't even like you that much. We're all different, there are people for whom we're right up their street and people for whom we're not.

I wouldn't like an old friend asking my mum for my number.

Personally I just wouldn't want anything to do with friends from a certain period of my life because I was extremely unhappy and they remind me of that. Life has moved on.

Totally agree. The leaps to invent reasons as to why someone just isn’t interested in reliving the past are ridiculous.

The assumptions the only reasons for not responding to a completely unsolicited message from an acquaintance who hasn’t crossed their mind for 20+ years is due to issues, being unhappy in their life, possible domestic abuse and the most bizarre, they’re the scum of the earth - completely batshit

I also agree. Just because you would be happy to re-visit the 90s doesnt mean everyone else is. Dont get me wrong, I have amazing memories of the 90s, it was a wild, fun crazy ride and I dont regret a second of it but I am simply not that person any more- my life, values, personality, and goals are completely incomparable now to how they were then and surely that is quite normal and healthy? It would be a bit weird if noone ever changed, developed or switched their priorities in 3 decades of life and after having kids etc

I am very settled, content/happy, and not in an abusive relationship nor would my many friends ever call me the "scum of the earth" 😝😂so those people can jog on with their stupid assumptions and personal projections.

People change as they grow. Get over it.

@TwistedWonder

Didn't you read my post that you quoted.
I did say unrelated.
I find the principle of ghosting someone you know scummy.
There's just no need unless the person you're ghosting has been abusive.

Just a simple message
If it's a date you don't wish to repeat - just
An oh sorry I don't think we clicked, wish you well in the future

A friend from the past, oh life's busy. But good to hear all well with you. Take care bye

Breaking contact with a close friend or family member or sexual partner.

I won't be in touch anymore. This doesn't work for me.
(Usually there's been enough back &'forth for the person to know why you've had enough ) and if not too bad. Prioritise yourself.

I just find ghosting scummy. It leaves people questioning & upset & wondering & speculating & feels unkind.

If a relationship of any sort was ever worth having - it's worth ending

In this instance
If I were the friend and didn't wish further contact, I would have kindly made that obvious, and if OP had persisted, I would have then ignored.

No need to block.

But I'm a bit older and maybe manners were more drummed in. I fully support blocking someone abusive or crossing boundaries that have been set.

Sorry but you cannot "ghost" someone you already havent spoken to in 3 decades. Thats not what ghosting is!

Ghosting is something people do unexpectedly to someone they have some kind of existing relationship with (family, friend, partner) and regular contact. The regular contact means you assume that the relationship is going well and that it means something to them, this is exactly why it is so hurtful and mystifying - you have built up a relationship with them, everything was going fine and they just disappear, and I agree, it's cowardly and cruel.

But that is not what has happened here at all. Calling this ghosting is not accurate, and actually, its a bit offensive to the people who have properly been ghosted by people they loved and cared about and are left picking up the pieces of their self esteem. Cold calling someone once (or texting once) out of the blue, after 3 decades of no contact is not a "relationship" and therefore, its not ghosting because there is zero emotional investment involved.

Im nearly 60. Im not ‘scummy’ but if someone I’ve not even thought about for 30 or more years randomly messages me why on earth are they entitled to a response? There’s no relationship, no ongoing communication just an unwelcome out of the blue Unsolicited message that doesn’t require a response. And to consider that ‘scummy or scum of the earth’ ( not a polite word to call someone and rather offensive for someone who claims to have manners ) is a ridiculous overreaction. They’re not a criminal for not being interested in communicating with a last from the past ffs

@randomflumpsy - exactly 👏👏

Ok. There's some miscommunication here. I clearly stated what I felt about this issue. And the OP wasn't even ghosted. The person replied politely. Just clearly didn't want to pick up a relationship (entirely reasonable)

I did say (repeating again ) in general terms I find ghosting/blocking scummy behaviour. It was I thought an add on to the conversation in general.

Abuse to one side - anyone abusive deserves blocked.

I did say (repeating again ) in general terms I find ghosting/blocking scummy behaviour. It was I thought an add on to the conversation in general

Ah yes, and I'd agree with that.

But I do think if you're going to take a chance and randomly contact someone you havent spoken to in 20 + years then you have to be prepared that they may not want to talk to you, they may not reply, they may not want to meet up etc

It doesnt mean there is anything wrong with either of you, people just move on is all and its best not to take these things so personally (eg feeling punched in the gut etc) because that is a total emotional overreaction and I think if you are likely to feel so sensitive/hurt about such things then its probably best to leave it alone.

I find with things like this it's always better to keep things light and relaxed, have no expectations and just see what happens. If it works out, great, if it doesnt, you havent really lost anything anyway.

@@randomflumpsy I totally agree

It’s not like people are searching you out to give you their unsolicited opinion. You literally asked for people’s opinion. And many people have the opinion it’s weird. If you don’t care and are convinced it’s fine and don’t want to explain yourself then why ask in the first place?! You do you, but you have to be willing to accept the consequences.

It's only through repeatedly explaining the situation over and over, I've come to my own conclusion/opinion now, that what I did wasn't 'weird'. Seeking out a good old friend I once spent a lot of time with was a nice thing to do regardless of the consequences. It was hurtful she wasn't receptive, but I realise now that's just her choice and actually I'm OK with it now. So yes, I will continue to be me, as I'd rather continue just being nice.

I completely agree with this and would also find it a bit strange if an acquaintance from decades ago got in touch with me via randomly calling up my mum!

I tend to find that often, too much time has passed and you are different people from who you were then. I'm completely different from the girl in her 20s that went out clubbing and the friendships that have lasted have done so because we both wanted them to. The ones that organically drifted apart did so for a reason.

Your message does have a tone of "it's all about me" ..... You thought of her, you decided to call her mum to get her number, you messaged her, you want to meet up etc. I think in her position I'd be thinking "WTF".

It would be different if you'd happened to bump into one another, or even dropped her a message on Facebook but memorising her mum's number, calling it and getting her phone number is overstepping IMO.

It would be different if you'd happened to bump into one another, or even dropped her a message on Facebook but memorising her mum's number, calling it and getting her phone number is overstepping IMO.

But she didn’t memorise her friend’s mum’s number - which was actually just her friend’s number then - back in the 90s thinking “In 30 years, I’m going to totally fuck with her mind”. She remembers the landline number because most of us had to do that then. I can still remember my best friend from school’s number, despite not ringing it since 1995.

I get that a lot of people wouldn’t even have considered trying the number. But it’s bizarre to suggest that the OP memorised it with nefarious intentions.

The 2 friends from teen days I rekindled friendships with in my 30s did precisely that. One bumped into me randomly, one fb messaged me.
I would have been mildly weirded out by a call to parents but probably still given it a go as I'd moved back to my home town and barely knew anyone.

Do you/ her not have any social media you could have tried to find eachother on instead? If it were me I’d probably feel a bit odd about someone calling my mum and asking for my number (just my
perdonal feelings), but potentially okay with reaching out via social media, feels less invasive.

To be honest, I’d be a little annoyed with my parents for giving out my number to what is essentially a stranger. I’d also feel very uncomfortable if someone from 20 odd years ago went to those lengths to contact me. I think she’s being rude though. It’s far easier to ghost people than just be honest and say thanks but no thanks. People are scared to communicate.