Old friend randomly blocked me

[Pureshores499]

For background purposes, I'm in my 40s now.
When I was in my 20s, I had a friend who I socialised a lot with (bars and clubs late 90's days) we had some amazing nights and were great friends, not super close though, mainly socially. As life progresses we both meet and marry, settle down etc. and lose touch, as sometimes happens in life. I know she's married with a son who I'm guessing is around 20 now.

Randomly one day a few months ago, I got thinking of her and could remember her Mums landline number (probably because we called each other so much back then before mobiles!)

I rang and spoke to her Mum. She remembered me and we had a brief chat. I asked for my old friends mobile and said I'd love to surprise her with a little WhatsApp and catch up on how she's doing.

I drop said friend a little message, along the lines of "hey old friend. Surprise! A little blast from your past. Ask how she's doing, tell her she had popped into my mind etc, explained how I'd amazingly remembered her parents home number etc. and just thought it would be good to check in all these years later now we're adulting 😊

She replies, brief, but pleasant asks how I am etc.

So I respond fairly briefly, tell her I'm married, where I'm living now etc. Casually say it would be nice to one day catch up for a coffee is she fancies it sometime.

That's it.

Stays on the grey tick. I got blocked. Obviously she never responded.

I can't understand. It's made me feel utterly crap. I'm obviously overthinking it, but who wouldn't. I've never done anything to offend her. I get that life moves on. Maybe she didn't fancy the coffee thing, but surely she could have just got around that by being vague and non committal (I can take a hint!) Just thought it was a nice little checkin to an old friend I'd lost touch with.

I just find people so rude. I thought it would be just a nice hi, was thinking of you and the fun times we has message - instead I come away from an innocently nice gesture feeling like I've been punched in the stomach (and also like a complete idiot!!)

She only lives about 10 miles from me, so I dread if I ever bump into her, I'd feel incredibly awkward now on how to navigate!

Anyone else had odd situations like this that fester in your mind?

This wasn't Facebook it was WhatsApp

Well I'd be over the moon if an old friend made the effort to get in touch with me like this 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Pureshores499 Going by your username, you're a 90s treasure and you sound like a sweetheart. I would love it if an old friend reached out to me! Not sure why all the hate.

I remember my good friends family landline no.from 1995.

I'm glad landlines have died out as I remember I'd often get anxiety hearing the bugger ring and you couldn't just ignore it.

Me too! This is what people used to do before 2012 😂

Maybe completely unrelated and maybe generational but I can't stand
Blockers or ghosters.
Abuse aside.

If you don't welcome a friendship/acquaintance/date//anything then fucking say so/have the balls to say so & don't leave people feeling like shit .

There is literally nothing worse than ghosters.
Literal scum of the earth imho

She didn't see the follow up since had already blocked. Grey tick.

This won't be about you at all.

I've had old friends contact me who I havent seen in 20+ years. I've moved across the world, andnow live a very different and much more liberal life than the small conservative town I grew up in. The few people who have contacted me settled down at 20, have a couple of kids, go to church on Sunday etc.

We had some good times and they are perfectly nice people, but I have no interest in having contact with them again. Our lives have diverged. The past is in the in past. I have briefly replied once to both of them, but have ignored the follow messages.

I think this sort of raw reaction (okay the OP's wasn't quite as visceral, but feeling punched in the stomach strikes as something of an extreme reaction!) is what 'haters' on the chat are picking up.

The advent of social media (and mobile phones to an extent) makes privacy MUCH more difficult than it once was. When all we had was a landline, it was much easier (if you wanted to avoid someone) to not answer the phone or (and I reckon we'll all have did this to guys back in the day that we gave our number to, and then wished we hadn't!) get your fam to say you weren't in.

I'm a private person, perfectly fulfilled with the friends and family I have (the catch up scene actually leaves me a bit cold), so I'm not on FB or insta. In spite of that, I had a one time friend from my teens put my details (including some personal information) on a missing person's FB page! They wanted a friendly catch up, and expected me to feel flattered. In reality it was quite an upsetting experience (I'm not, and have never been, a missing person).

Not everyone wants to bare their soul, indeed not even afford a glimpse into it. Not even to their loved ones, never mind to any tom, dick or harry! And that's fine. It doesn't make a person rude or scummy - it's unsettlingly entitled to think otherwise.

You leave your phone number with the mum to pass on, that way you’ve invited contact but not forced your way back in

Me too. Besides, she has been kind- she replied politely to you and didnt want to take it any further. Thats it. She hasn't bullied you or verbally abused you, or been rude to you, she just doesnt want to communicate any further. Thats not "unkind". She didnt even give you her number in the first place!

If she had said "thank you for the text but I no longer wish to communicate any further" I suspect you still would have felt like you'd been "punched in the gut" so she cant really win here because you seem really upset that she doesnt want to meet for coffee. Should she feel beholden to meet you out of an obligation to "be kind"?

Also- it's NOT ghosting - ghosting is when you are in regular contact with someone and then they randomly disappear without any explanation. You cant ghost someone you havent been in contact with in the first place fgs!

Do you struggle with life in general? The OP literally can’t have been ‘ghosted’ by someone she stopped being friends with in the 90s. She sent an out of the blue message to someone she’d had no contact with in over two decades, and got a polite but brief reply, but no more. The ‘punched in the gut’ response from the OP is out of all proportion.

OP you have absolutely not done anything wrong reaching out but maybe you misjudged your friend or perhaps she has changed since you knew her. If she was like minded to you she would maybe have appreciated the sentiment. However as someone who wants no reminders of their 20s I probably wouldn't have been fussed either. I moved away from my home town years ago and I'm happy not having anything to do with my past 🤣 I still have some close friends but anyone else I'd rather leave as memories. Also I'd like to say, I'm from a city and feel that people from cities have a different mindset to those from rural areas. City people are definitely less friendly and standoffish. Rural communities are more tight knit and I suppose there's no escaping people as they are smaller so you have more chance of bumping into people.

It’s funny how the British are so obsessed about a simple thing like the process by which someone tried to contact someone else and whether it was the correct etiquette.

I think being hard on OP is not helpful or constructive . There’s worse etiquette out there that’s people just do t get challenged on

Exactly this! The OP's old friend from the 1990s has NOT ghosted her. She has simply made the decision to not have contact (and has blocked her.) Because they have nothing between them. They have had no contact for 30 years, and the woman very likely (and understandably) thinks it's odd that the OP has got in touch, and contacted her mother to get her phone number!

That is her right (to not want to see - or speak to the OP.)

There are some rather entitled people on here. 'Errr excuse me, why do you not want to speak to me, or engage with me, and meet up with me...... even though we haven't spoken for 30 years, and only saw each other for a couple of years anyway?!' WTF?

As has been said, the feeling of being punched in the stomach, and feeling devastated by the old friend's reaction is seriously over-dramatic. As a pp said, how on earth do people cope with life in general if they're so affected by some random that they haven't spoke to in 30 years, not wanting to be in touch, and blocking them. The OP needs to forget this woman and move on.

Plenty of posters on mumsnet are not British - I'm one of them - I think OP's decision and method of contacting old mate was odd, but her subsequent reaction to being blocked or not further answered to was extremely weird and ott

In answer to @BeSpryOrca

It’s less the etiquette than that the method she used may well have determined the response she got. If it had been a FB message, if unwelcome, it could have been discreetly overlooked. If she’d given her phone number to the mother, the old friend then had a choice about whether to use it. As things are, she clearly felt obliged to make a polite token response, which the OP viewed as an invitation to further contact, but her friend clearly viewed as a brush off, for whatever reason.

We can obviously have no idea why she didn’t want further contact. She could be ill or in the middle of a messy divorce, or dealing with a child with significant additional needs, or having a nervous breakdown, or struggling with a demanding job. She might just be busy and not want another social obligation. Or she could be one of those low-energy Mners who regard a ring at the door as an infringement on their human rights!

I’ve never attended a school reunion, for instance, but I did move back to my home city after nearly three decades overseas and have re-encountered by pure chance lots of old friends and acquaintances I’d lost touch with. Some are in a good place, some are ashamed of or unhappy with how their lives have turned out, and clearly don’t want to engage with someone who might judge.

It’s not about etiquette, it’s about people’s right to privacy. By all means phone an old number (unusual but quite sweet), but for mum to give out a new number without checking and then to use that number without prior warning would make me very uncomfortable.

It would be lovely if there was a way of finding old friends who aren't on Facebook. I found an old friend via friends reunited and a poster on here found me the address of the lady who looked after me as a child. I once asked if someone knew a certain friend on here and replies were don't tell her, she might be her abusive ex. So, it is problematic but I do have one school friend I'd love to know how she is.

Wouldn't worry about it, you werent to know her response.
It's not meant to be so leave it.
Don't stop reaching out to people if you want too though.

It's not everyone's idea of lovely though!

Does it not occur to you that the person you knew at school isn't on facebook because they value their privacy, and have no wish to be swooped on by people they just happened to know at one time? It's very common on facebook for people to use a version of their name that isn't easily identifiable, so it seems a lot of people don't want to be searched/contacted in this way (contact that will either be, essentially, I'm just very nosy or I'd like to establish relations of some sort).

There are so many platforms whereupon people can have an easily accessed presence, if someone you're feeling nosy about isn't on any of said platforms, tough! To go chasing them on public forums and such like is just inconsiderate and discourteous.

How sad

FFS

Obviously I am talking about lovely FOR ME what with not being able to speak for everyone nor knowing their thoughts.

Im not on Facebook for a particular reason, it doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy to hear from someone in my past.

No chasing has happened. No inconsideration or discourtesy has been happening.

JC.