Child wants to live with the father she hardly knows so she can go to university a year early

[StarbucksSally]

My nearly 14 year old wants to leave me, her stepfather and her siblings to go and live with her father who isn’t even on her birth certificate so she can go to university a year early.

We were in a reasonably short relationship when I became pregnant. He exerted absolutely no pressure on me but confessed later he had hoped I would terminate. He left when I was about five months pregnant and returned to home.

He has always sent money to me, was open with his family who he takes her to see when they’re in London but essentially only saw her very infrequently.

In spite of this they do get on and seem to have a good relationship.

I am just devastated that she wants to do this. I don’t know what the consequences would be to our relationship if I said no.

She can’t even apply for uni yet

Just tell her to come back and discuss it in a year or so

Where does he live and what are his views on this?

I did the same at the same age
My mother would of said we were a happy family
The truth was ,I hated my step father and my step siblings,and they hated me .
Probably more going on ,than just wanting to go to uni a year early

Why would she go to uni a year early?

I'd defer any discussion until she is applying to uni, she'll likely change her mind about where and what she studies many times in the next 3/4 years.

Does he want her there? Why does her being there mean she can go to uni early?

Where does he live?

How would moving enable her to apply a year early?

She is not even 14 yet. Surely she has to do GCSEs, A levels etc. So would be 27 at the earliest?

17

Does he live in Scotland

Generally (uni or not) it’s not unreasonable for her to want to live with her dad for a bit. I assume there are other reasons too and she is not that happy at home.

FuzzyGoblin

Dublin/Wicklow Borders

Hurdlin

She would obviously have to do the equivalent of ‘A’ Levels over there prior to uni.

Daisymay6

I think she feels a disconnect with her younger siblings as they are younger! I don’t know if this is necessarily the reason she wants to go though.

Would her father be willing to have her live with him?

Has your daughter spent extended time with her dad before?

Is her father's life such that he could parent his daughter and that she'd be in a safe environment?

Would this be in your daughter's best interests?

@StarbucksSally i’m assuming you’re in England so she would be considering UK universities if she stays with you? Is she aware that English/Welsh/NI courses are 3 years long whereas courses in ROI are 4 years - so while she might be starting a year earlier she’d be doing an extra year at college so would still be graduating at the same time?

Is she also aware of Transition Year? This is an optional year between junior cert in 4th year and beginning leavers cert courses in 5th year. It extends school by a year and she may get there and find all her new friends are doing TY which of she followed suit would mean going to college at the same time as she would in England.

Is she also aware that it is much more normal for students in Ireland (esp around Dublin) to live at home for all 4 years? There is a severe housing crisis and accommodation is insanely expensive so anyone living within a 2hr commute of their college tends to live at home. It’s not a bad thing but it does give a very different uni experience.

Also - if you are in/around Dublin you are much less likely to leave Dub to go to another city for college unless you are going to the likes of Galway for a specialist course. Most people in Dublin go to college with a ready made group of friends from school - like with the living at home thing - it’s not a bad thing, but it’s a very different uni experience.

If you take the emotion out of it, does this serve her life plans well? Is the university near him likely to be the right place for her? Would she be giving up an opportunity to live in student halls and the experience of the unique bridge to independence they offer?

Or maybe I’ve got that totally wrong and she’s planning to do leavers cert and then return to England for a 3 year uni course a year ahead of her peers? If that’s the case then the TY point would still stand

He is her parent too.
If she wants to go there and he agrees I think you should not stand in her way.
She is an individual with her own preferences.
Beware of trying to live her life for her or regarding her as belonging to you.

Has she investigated how her GCSE subjects would prepare her for the Leaving Cert? The range of mandatory subjects in Ireland is much broader and both English and Maths are mandatory. She would be exempt from Irish. A European language used to mandatory but I don't know if that has changed. I think Irish exams are higher stake than A Levels too the points race is very stressful for all involved. Students who don't get their course in Ireland end up studying in the UK. I have never heard of the reverse

Can he even take her on without parental responsibility? If you are the only one on her birth certificate then you are her only guardian. Realistically if he wants to take on the responsibility then he needs to get the above sorted first to get the protections included.

Does he want to.

Is the uni thing the only reason? It seems an odd thing for a 14 year old to want especially as it will mean losing her current peer group. Is she pressing ahead to a perceived independence? Wants a fresh start? Idolising a fictional father figure?

You need to drill down into the reasoning. If her real perspective is reasonable e.g. she wants to get away from a full house, get to know her father, wants a particular course over there then it's something to consider.

LetGoLetThem1234

He is totally up for this. He has directed her to websites etc. The school would be one that his nieces and second nieces ( that’s what second cousins are called in his family) go to/went to.

I don’t know if it would be in her best interests. It’s an independent school but the fees seem very cheap compared with London, but her relationship with her siblings would suffer.

She has spent hardly any time with him, a couple of weeks at most, the longest was three weeks when they went to America and it was here that she found out from cousins about different ages at university entrance.

This is the man who left me when I was pregnant but if we leave that minor thing aside he is a perfectly pleasant man, quite charming. I don’t know about his parenting. I know that he and his family are hot on education.

I don’t have worries about her safety or anything but it’s as if my heart has been ripped out. If she goes my kids won’t be a unit any more.

Legally he isn't her parent.

A levels don’t translate well into top LC points is part of the reason more U.K. applicants don’t apply to ROI. Cost wise it is often a good choice for U.K. students as fees so much lower - cost of living much higher thank most regional U.K. cities though.

My nearly 14 year old wants to leave me, her stepfather and her siblings to go and live with her father who isn’t even on her birth certificate so she can go to university a year early.

Have you had a proper conversation around this? Is she realistic about it or is it a pipe dream she’s indulging in? What does her dad think about it?

If they have never lived together, what about suggesting that she starts by spending a month there next summer, or 3 weeks over Easter or something, and see how they get on?

I wouldn’t like my dc saying this sort of thing (similar age) but I would hesitate to give a blanket ‘no’ if she was serious and had done some research about it (if she hadn’t yet then I would suggest she did some).

Edit- just seen that you have answered some of this, sorry!

So what she would she go to uni then? Most people are 17 or 18 in Ireland?

Most people don’t start college at 17 in ROI.
Starting a year earlier has no benefit and huge social down sides wouldn’t even be able to go out with the friends on her course.

If she wants to move soon so she can do the full leaving cert in Dublin rather than A levels then it suggests quite a big problem at home.