Child wants to live with the father she hardly knows so she can go to university a year early

[StarbucksSally]

My nearly 14 year old wants to leave me, her stepfather and her siblings to go and live with her father who isn’t even on her birth certificate so she can go to university a year early.

We were in a reasonably short relationship when I became pregnant. He exerted absolutely no pressure on me but confessed later he had hoped I would terminate. He left when I was about five months pregnant and returned to home.

He has always sent money to me, was open with his family who he takes her to see when they’re in London but essentially only saw her very infrequently.

In spite of this they do get on and seem to have a good relationship.

I am just devastated that she wants to do this. I don’t know what the consequences would be to our relationship if I said no.

14 yr old, not top set, no career aspirations, saying wants to start Uni early in Ireland …. Just doesn’t make sense.

DC needs to be required to look at Uni websites, grades required, secondary comparisons.

Does Her father have appropriate housing, supervision/care when he’s working, travelling????

Thinking back to secondary school BG, divorced parents,
She always talked about living with her dad which, thinking back, was pure fantasy. Wanting to live with him for myriad of reasons, of course he would never say no if they talked about it casually.

Angry at mom for not allowing it.

[dad lived about a hour away by train, dad lived in 1-bedroom flat (mirror in bedroom ceiling!), had young GF. She was in private day school, would need to change school, lose all friends. Prob only stopped the dad fantasy when got a boyfriend. Possible she liked being 1:1 with her dad, doing more grown up things than did at home w mum and younger siblings]

Do think that it’s possible that it’s common for kids with parents living apart, to want to live with other when confronted with normal teen frustrations. DC would of course make comparisons, nicer house, more freedom, more money, friends ….

Does she know that the leaving cert makes A levels look like a walk in the park? We were at a severe disadvantage in first year compared to the Irish students. And they had done more subjects too.

University student fees in Ireland are €3500 per year for Irish students which I’m sure with an Irish father who lives there and pays tax there, she might be eligible for. However I presume you are talking Greystones/Bray they are still a trek into college each day and other accommodation costs elsewhere are extremely high. The first year of university will be easier if she has done A levels for certain modules because the Leaving Cert exams are at a different level.

I would consider that option.

That is absolutely not universal. Leaving Cert Maths and Applied Maths for example are at a much lower level than A levels.

That’s not been my DS’s experience. He did A levels in NI and is now in 2nd year at college in ROI. He found 1st year an absolute doddle whereas many of his friends who were from Dublin really struggled with the standard and volume of work. He barely worked last year - genuinely did the bare minimum - and is sitting on a first class GPA. This year he’s working harder and is definitely more engaged and is still not finding it hard. His sibling who is a couple of years younger and doing A levels at the minute is def working harder than he is.

That doesn't make any sense. Three in-depth A levels won't be easier than a wider range of subjects for the LC.

Incredibly socially limiting? It really isn't. Unless you really want to hang out with 24hr party people going to nightclubs. Can't imagine anything more tedious myself.
You can make friends who want to do sport, or nerdy stuff, or bags of other things. The idea that students all go to adults only venues simply isn't true

Agreed. I have a twenty year old at uni. They never go to "over 18" places like pubs or nightclubs. Because they don't drink, as many young people don't these days.

At the end of the day, he is her father.
He may have wronged you, but surely it's great that he's a good person now who makes time for his child.

If she's happy at home, she'll come back, wish her well, equip her with the knowledge she needs and be glad she has a relationship with him.

Forgive his past mistakes and try and see the good side.

aww I’m so sorry this is happening and you feel this way. It’s so sad, but she has to live her life. If her safety is not at risk, you can’t actually hold her back without it affecting your own relationship with her negatively.

He may have been an asshole to you, but what happened in your relationship is not relevant for their relationship.

We all have to cut the apron strings at some point, I’m sorry it’s happening sooner for you then it does for most people.

sending you lots of hugs x

I know nothing of education in the UK or ROI. But I know teenagers. When they want to do something that you don’t agree with they pick an angle. To her, wanting something to benefit her education sounds like a very grown up and sensible thing that you couldn’t possibly deny her. The reality could be very different. Maybe she wants a change of school, a better school, new friends, to get away from the annoying younger siblings, be spoilt by dad, more freedom. There could be so many things driving this but the chances of it being because she wants to go to Uni earlier are very slim indeed IMO. Talk to her and maybe try spending some holidays there and see if she’s still keen.

I would really like an answer to the previous questions regarding her bio father’s set up before being able to give a more considered answer.
You seem to take her desire to leave at totally face value whilst my first thoughts are more around the possibility that your understanding of the family dynamic may not be her reality/understanding at all.
You've stated the children are not a unit and you go on to state your daughter is not even in top sets. I don’t want to imagine things, but you don’t sound proud of her academic abilities, and actually you sound dismissive, which makes me suspicious her siblings are in top sets.
Maybe her bio dad is keen on helping her get into top sets, if this is what she wants, by himself or with tutors, a better school etc.
Maybe it’s nothing to do with education and she just feels separate, maybe she is treated differently by the rest of the family.
It would be great if you could really get to the bottom of what is going on but you seem quite blissfully unaware that she may not be feeling or living like a fully integrated, loved and accepted part of your complete family. It would be hard for her to tell you in this case and she may feel you would not listen, or could/would not change the dynamic, so needs to get away from it.
I really feel for you, I would be devastated and want to hold on to her too, but I think you need to put all your preconceived perceptions regarding how she should be feeling to one side and try to find out how she is feeling. I would then work from there. There is also a truth in what people are saying about the power of friendships, definitely consider is she is struggling here too.

You need to get to the bottom of why she wants to move. Not many children her age want to go to uni a year early especially when they don’t have any interest in a particular course. It might be because she is unhappy at school or at home. Does she have any issues with her friends at the moment? It might be because she has holidays with her father and so sees being with him as more fun as it doesn’t involve the everyday drudgery. The reality will be nothing like the dream and will be very disruptive to her education.

Don’t appose this too vehemently. You may lose her altogether. He seems to have tried to be a dad within the confines of being separated from her. Maybe a trial run visit in the holidays. She is clearly doing well. My daughter followed her dad, my first husband, out to Australia and stayed there. She also discovered for herself that he could be unreliable. Our marriage broke up when she was a baby. Her half sister followed her out there a few years later. They have a wonderful life and we visit. Her father died a few years after she moved there. She wants her stepdad and me to follow and her half brother.

If you’re not going to RTFT, at least read the OP’s posts! The father is in Ireland ffs! Not the other side of the world and no issues with language! (Not that I am in any way saying it’s the right decision to go - but at least understand the issue before talking about stuff which is completely irrelevant!)

I'd let her go. It's hard for you but it's what she wants and if it doesn't work out then she can always come home. It's brutal when they decide to move away but he is her father and nothing in your post makes it seem like he wouldn't do a reasonable job.

I'd be questioning yourself as to the true reasons why you would be 'saying no' - in 2 years she can effectively make her own mind up. If they are inherently selfish, I would tread carefully. Speaking from very relevant personal experience, if you don't let her make her own decisions, don't take them personally (no making her feel guilty for 'leaving you') and trust her own biological father as your equal in her life you will push her away.

Is he in Scotland?
One advantage of moving now at 14 is she would be a Scottish resident for 3 years, so qualifies for our free university fees.
Most kids in Scotland go at 17 to Uni.

I did read them, but missed the one line reply she made to another poster as I was skimming the thread. Terribly sorry about that!

Personally,at 14 she knows her own mind , children are only lent to us for a little while ... ,and despite the fact he left you when pregnant ( not great I know ) he is still her father,and he seems to want her .
Mine are adults now ,but I always went along with whatever they wanted ,I trusted them to make the correct decisions for themselves .and like I said earlier,I left to live with my dad at age 14 , literally going from one end of the country to the other ..I went home to my mum in the holidays.and that definitely was the right thing for me at the time .
Also ,if you stop her ,you run the risk of her resenting you .
The courts do allow children a say at that age .
She could come home for holidays.

If your daughter really wants to go to university (college) in Ireland, as a pp said earlier, the A Level points don't translate to Leaving Cert, they make it a lot harder for A Level students to attain top points.

The best (easiest?) way to do it would be to do GCSEs in the UK and move to Ireland for the two year Leaving Cert cycle, equivalent of England's 6th form college (year 12/13), and applying via the CAO (UCAS equiv) as an Irish student. So leaving home to live with her dad at 16.

I also suggest visiting before taking such a drastic step. Because Irish students typically take 7 subjects for Leaving Cert and A Levels consists of 3 or 4, if she decided half way through the LC cycle that Ireland wasn't for her, then she's a bit screwed, ie it would be hard to catchup on an A Levels course. She'd probably have to go back and start Year 11 in England.

Also have you thought about fees? Would she be considered a foreign student in Ireland? (I'm not sure how it works with the Ireland/EU etc)

I wouldn't allow. Too young to make such a big decision. What is driving her to want this?

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this, OP. It must be so hard. If it is any consolation, many teenagers dream of spreading their wings and experimenting at this age. It’s not a reflection on your parenting or your family unit.
Some run off with unsuitable partners, end up in squats and with a bad crowd. At least her bid for freedom is based on education and university is on her horizon.
You say she hasn’t discussed her future and she isn’t in the top sets at school so perhaps her dad has kindled an interest in tertiary education which wasn’t previously there and which you may both be grateful for longer term.
Can you, her father and her sit down together and dispassionately discuss all the practical aspects of this?
Can you ask her how she feels about making a whole set of new friends? How easy she thinks it will be to break into a new friendship group? How will she deal with a new curriculum? Can her father access past papers of the courses she is currently doing for the educational level she is currently at so she can see how much of an adaptation or otherwise she needs to make? Can she think about making that degree of adaptation for each course she is taking? How much harder will she have to work to keep up? Just pose the questions and let her answer. Don’t lecture her. Even if she bats them off, you will have got her thinking about the practicalities of the move as far as education is concerned.
I wouldn’t be overly emotional or dramatic but I think you can tell her how much you and her siblings and stepdad will miss her. Ask if she thinks she will miss home. Ask how she would handle the homesickness. Does she have pets? Ask about them. Ask how often she intends to return home and how this will be paid for. Ask her where she envisages the family staying if you all go to visit her. Again work out the costs and explain you will need to budget for these.
Ask her father to tell both you and her how he envisages the arrangement working from his perspective. What chores will she be expected to do? What will her new routine look like. Will she be able to keep up with any extracurricular activities or hobbies? How much time will he spend with her? What allowance will she get and who will pay for it. Ask her to devise a contingency plan if it doesn’t work out. Can she return to her old school? If not, what would she do?
Then use the great information on Irish universities and the educational system in ROI provided by PPS above and your own research and ask her about that.
These are all practical considerations she will have to face and it is good if she considers these in detail now. Get her to take some notes to reflect on her decisions.
If she remains determined to change school, country, home and family, your next step is to visit the school together with her father and for her to spend some time living with him on a trial basis.
You and she will quickly see how committed he is to this project. If he has never raised a child he may have no idea about the level of commitment and organisation required. At the very least, you will all be going into this with your eyes open. Good luck.

I’d probably say yes but agree some ground rules and get dad to agree these too.