Child wants to live with the father she hardly knows so she can go to university a year early

[StarbucksSally]

My nearly 14 year old wants to leave me, her stepfather and her siblings to go and live with her father who isn’t even on her birth certificate so she can go to university a year early.

We were in a reasonably short relationship when I became pregnant. He exerted absolutely no pressure on me but confessed later he had hoped I would terminate. He left when I was about five months pregnant and returned to home.

He has always sent money to me, was open with his family who he takes her to see when they’re in London but essentially only saw her very infrequently.

In spite of this they do get on and seem to have a good relationship.

I am just devastated that she wants to do this. I don’t know what the consequences would be to our relationship if I said no.

I am genuinely grateful to everyone who posted.

Dd1’s dad is coming over at the end of the month and is bringing his sister with him to have a chat about everything.

I posted because I was just so upset about everything but those who posted about the different system was useful especially those who pointed out that a degree in Ireland takes 4 years so you don’t finish early just because you start earlier.

Someone suggested that I was dismissive of my daughter’s academic achievements simply because I pointed out she wasn’t in top sets. That is ridiculous, she is perfectly average and there is nothing wrong with that.

My other two are 7 and nearly 9 and at primary school. They have top tables according to subjects and the eldest is on the top table for Maths but not English; this is something that I don’t think is relevant.

DD1 wants to go because she feels it’s time to live with her dad and have a new life with family children who are nearer her own age. I just started to cry , she doted on her brother and spent hours with him when they were younger and loved her sister but she seems to have become 30 overnight and they’re still children.

My husband said he was staying out of it but ex was open to him being present when I met him and his sister. Anyway my DH did say to my daughter that he had always done her best and he hated that she had made me upset. This probably wasn’t his finest hour but I think it all came out spontaneously.

His family have always been nice but she is most definitely not their grandchild/niece. DD1 swears this has never bothered her.

She claims that there have been no fall outs with friends ( she went to a Halloween party last weekend and then went camping with Scouts) she thinks that she can keep in touch via social media.

She didn’t know a degree took four years but would want to go to uni in Ireland anyway. She claims she won’t have to do Irish and posters on here have confirmed this.

My worries if I stop her going is when there are inevitably teenage tantrums she will drag this all up and throw it in my face.

She accepts that if things don’t work out she would have to see the two academic years out over there anyway as she couldn’t slot into either Years10/11 half way through. She doesn’t see how it wouldn’t work though,

At the moment I hate her father but I don’t have any concerns about her welfare in spite of the small matter of leaving me he was always very transparent, generous and respectful. In a brief email exchange he accepts that they hadn’t spoken about life day to day but thinks they will work it out as they go along.

He has no partner and no other children. He no longer travels for work, has family everywhere ( ironically just like my husband, cousins play a massive role) and I imagine money is not an issue.

Well there it is. I don’t really have anything to add. I am absolutely heartbroken.

Your doing your best ,that's clear ,or you wouldn't be agonising on here .
Kids are funny things ,very fickle.
And maybe when your children get older she will come back to live with you
My eldest only left home at 26 ,I've still got a 25 year old and two others at home ,so you may find she comes back in a few years ,or she shares her time between the two of you ,..there's holidays she can come home ,and you can visit her .
Try to see it as a huge adventure for her ,a good opportunity to see a different place ,live a different life ,she will mature so much through this .and the best , absolutely the best thing you can do to help her ,is give her your blessing to go and be happy , because...as a child there's nothing worse than feeling torn between two parents,it really screws your head up , honestly it does xx

Heartbreaking, indeed OP. You have my every sympathy. Try to hold on to a couple of things. She has not gone yet and may not go. The anticipation and the reality are two different things.
Try to give vent to your grief without her (or your other children) seeing it. Let your DH support you but make it clear he cannot criticise or take it out on DD. How you parent her now will have consequences for your future relationship.
Try to reframe this in your head. It is not a rejection of you or your parenting. It is a desire to explore a relationship with someone who has half her DNA. In fact, if she felt cowed or frightened of you she would not be confident enough to suggest this massive upheaval for everyone. It is a sign of how well supported and confident she is that she can do this and talk to you openly about it. Be proud of yourself OP and proud of the daughter you raised.
You are not losing her. If she goes, she will be back, possibly sooner than expected. Your relationship with her is developing as she reaches adolescence. This is true of all child / parent relationships. She will learn a valuable lesson and you will survive this heartbreak. Make sure to keep things on an even keel for the other DCs. This will be a confusing time for them too.
The biggest shock ever is coming for your ex partner. Parenting an adolescent girl when you have no previous experience is a rollercoaster. Let’s hope the SIL injects some sense.

Hating him won't make anything better. Is the hate from when she was born too, or for her wanting to live with him?

It's hard, but try not to hold on to anger.
Your DD will resent you for making her feel guilty about being with her other parent.

If anything we're to happen to you, at least you know he is stepping up and can look after her.

You should be proud to have brought up a strong young woman who's brave enough for this.

As others have said on here who left home at a similar age, it is doable.

I'd try and be as supportive as possible and if all fails, she can come back to you.

Don't create a scenario of her struggling but not wanting to come back to I told you so.

That's a tough one

It's really hard but maybe she wants to just belong or see if she can. Being part of a blended family as the only one isn't a whole member of a family is really tough. If your DHs family have made it clear she isn't part of their family that's fairly brutal even if she doesn't say it. She may not even be able to articulate it. In her Dad's family she is a full fledged member. Let her go and try it out.

Im sorry OP - it sounds heartbreaking for you and I can’t imagine having to go through that.

I’m so sorry @StarbucksSally - I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I don’t have any answers, but hope you find a resolution and peace along the way

I wouldn’t let her go, op. The posters saying she wants to get to know her dad and get to know that side of her family / culture… she’s fourteen. There are ways to take steps towards doing that, without leaving the family and stability she’s always known, to go and live with a parent she barely knows. She could decide this at 16 or 18…

The op won’t get these years with her dd back, and it’s a massive chunk of her childhood, where she needs her parent.

I may be in the minority here, which surprises me, but I would try to find ways of meeting the need to get to know her dad, and support her planning to go to uni in Ireland, without allowing her to go at fourteen.

If you do let her go, op, i wouldn’t make her see through two years. I’d let her come home the moment she changed her mind. The education side of things can be sorted, the rest can’t.

Honestly, if this was me I would try to negotiate that she should spend good portions of the school holidays there for the next couple of years and then move after GCSEs if she is still wanting to. It sounds like academically this would be the simplest thing and it would let her get used to spending extended periods of time with her father. And a lot could change between now and then.

Not all Unis in Ireland do 4 year degrees just Trinity or for specific courses. Anyway that is a long way off - best of luck with your discussion xx

Yes in the families I know the first and usually only child that has to become part of a blended family is very often (silently) very unhappy about it

I would be making arrangements for her to start spending all the holidays over there, she may find she doesn't like it as much as she thinks she will

It still sounds very idealistic and that her father hasn’t thought it through at all. ´Will work it out as they go along’ indeed. That isn’t quite how parenting works. I agree with others that she needs go there for a big chunk of time although holiday time isn’t ideal because again that is not reality. I feel for you, OP, I’ve been through two 14 old daughters and it really is thé worst age. Agree also that you should make it clear that she can come back any time if it doesn’t work out.

ps You’re right also that if you stand in her way she will hold it against you. You need to be seen to not prevent it while not helping to make it happen either.

Such a difficult situation for you Op however sorry to be negative - you said she was an average student, which is perfectly fine, so what happens if she doesn't get the grades to get into uni?

Does your dd have a plan B?

Also as an aside I get the impression he is well off, talk of private school etc, do you think that is having some influence over her decision? Is he rich?

I wouldn't let her go. She is too young to be making this decision.

It also sounds like she is running from rather than running to something.

As a teen I can imagine having young siblings is really annoying.

Is there a compromise where she gets to spend school holidays over there?

I agree that she’s too young to be making the decision or to understand the implications. I also disagree that she will hold it against op if she is prevented. It’s equally likely that she will hold it against her mum if she isn’t prevented from making a drastic and risky decision at a young age.

I wouldn't let her go, OP. He's her father, sure, and he might be a nice person, but she hardly knows him and neither do you. It's fine that she wants to get to know him and that he does too, but they can bond through spending more time together during the holidays and then she can go there for uni. They have never even spent more than 2 or 3 weeks together, how about you first try a month or six weeks and see how that goes during the holidays?

The way you write about him tells me that you don't really know who he actually is. You write that you think he's well off, but you don't seem to know. Do you know what exactly his job is? Have you ever seen his home? It doesn't sound like you have ever visited or seen it from the inside. Have you met his family? His friends? What happens if he meets a new girlfriend? What are his hobbies? Does he have a stable home life? Can he cook and prepare meals for your child?

Keep in mind that someone can keep up a certain appearance for a short period of time. He can seem nice, well-off and friendly for a few visits, because people are on their best behaviour when they visit someone and it is a limited time period. But you don't know what someone is really like until you've met his family and friends, spent more time with him, seen his home etc.

The people who are saying you should just send her are giving you bad advice. Who would send a child to live with someone whose house they've never even seen? It's not responsible behaviour.

He might be a perfectly nice person, but at this moment you don't know so you need to be careful. There are definitely some red flags. It was completely unnecessary and cruel to tell you that he had preferred for you to have an abortion after the child had already been born, for example. It's also not okay to give your daughter this idea of living with him before even discussing it with you.

I don't want to be too negative or paranoid or anything, but does he have to pay your daughter child support? Is it possible, that his financial situation isn't that great? Have you considered that he wants her to live with him so he no longer has to pay? Will you have to pay child support to him, if she goes live with him? I would ask myself these questions.

You're a good mum, OP, you really care about your daughter. I'd consider all of these questions above.