Child wants to live with the father she hardly knows so she can go to university a year early

[StarbucksSally]

My nearly 14 year old wants to leave me, her stepfather and her siblings to go and live with her father who isn’t even on her birth certificate so she can go to university a year early.

We were in a reasonably short relationship when I became pregnant. He exerted absolutely no pressure on me but confessed later he had hoped I would terminate. He left when I was about five months pregnant and returned to home.

He has always sent money to me, was open with his family who he takes her to see when they’re in London but essentially only saw her very infrequently.

In spite of this they do get on and seem to have a good relationship.

I am just devastated that she wants to do this. I don’t know what the consequences would be to our relationship if I said no.

It's up to you how this will affect your relationship.

If you are excited for her and supportive of her building her relationship with her Dad, let her know she is welcome home at any time and keep being a cheerleader for what she wants, it will strengthen your relationship.

If you make it all about you and the pain of losing your little girl, try to persuade her not to go and play the "after everything I've done for you" card, it will be significantly weakened.

The ball is in your court.

You’re saying she’s disconnected with her siblings so your kids aren’t a unit anyway. You may want to hear her out, really hear her out because from the outside her reality and you reality of what your family unit looks like is very different.
it sounds like she can’t wait to get out while all you served how it affects you. If you want a good relationship with her, try to get to the bottom of things with an open mind

Does she want to live with him and go to uni near him or does she want to get away from you or her step father/siblings? What’s the true driver for this decision?

Just let her go, and give her your blessing.
Tell her you love her ver much.
Tell her if things dont work, just a phonecall, and you will come anc collect her.

Uni is a red herring because people are assuming she is moving for uni. This would mean she is moving for her leaving cert so the 2 years before college as a minimum.

Legally he is her parent. He doesn’t have PR but he’s her parent. If he wanted PR he could easily get it. I’d let her go if I were you. How old was he when he left you when pregnant? That’s not good behaviour from him but he obviously didn’t want to be a dad at the time or be in a relationship with you and the relationship would no doubt have broken down soon anyway and he’d have left you with a baby/toddler/child. He has kept contact with her and paid for her and sounds like a decent dad.

By your own admission your kids aren't a unit anyway.

You need to take your emotions out of it entirely, and think what's best for her.

Going to uni, living with, and properly getting to know her dad, spending time with family, all the while she knows that she has the option of returning home to you if anything goes wrong.

We don't have kids to keep them with us, we have them to watch and support them making their own way in the world.

It's bittersweet, but it sounds like you've raised a lovely, confident girl who knows her own mind. Jobs a good un.

FerminRomeroDeTorres

Thank you so much for this I am obviously not going to tell my daughter where I got this information from but this is interesting and informative.

I only found out about Transition Year when I was looking at this online prospectus; I didn’t know that uni was four years so graduation would be the same.

I had no idea that many students stayed at home in Ireland.

I got the impression she wanted to go to uni over there as well rather than come back here.

I very much get the impression that money is not an issue.

Also about her plans and ambitions. She has no idea what she wants to do. The other two always talk about what they want to do ( it changes) but talking about her future isn’t a narrative that she even engages in. She isn’t even in the top set at school.

I am in a horrible, horrible dilemma.

More talking needed? I find my dc is most open when we’re going somewhere together in the car- something about that limited eye contact/staring in the face seems to help with talking about tricky subjects. But agree with pp that you and she may have different perspectives on your current family life.

And again, how about her spending a longer period there so she can see what it might really be like? It may not be what she’s imagining at all.

I think you have time to postpone conversations about this until you have a better handle of your emotions, as how you handle it will determine the tone under which she may leave your home. A parting full of grife and guilt, or just love and support?
Surely it's better to 'part' on good terms, her knowing that your home is always a safe, uncomplicated option for her to return to?

Sorry but I don't understand the responses you have had at all.

Of course she shouldn't leave to live with her father at 14 so she can go to university early when he hasn't played a full role in her life before.

Not sure if she is in year 9 or 10 but she should focus on getting good gcses. Of course she should make the decision (with guidance from you) on things like choosing what options to take, which A levels or other courses to take and whether to continue at her current school or go to sixth form college.

However she should not be taking any decisions on moving to another country to be with a father she has never spent more than a couple of weeks with. Would be a hard no from me.

She needs you more than anything else through the teenage years. Certainly there is no big advantage here that could possibly make up for losing this time with her mother and siblings.

Why would you say no and why are you upset

A young person with positive relationships with both parents albeit the parents dont live together, with aspirations and life plans

Whats the problem?

How strange to not understand why a mum might feel upset about this. Do you normally struggle to understand people's emotions?

I think you need to take your own feelings and desire for your kids to be a "unit" out of this. Explore more of why she wants to go, is it just the year or something more? Make sure she has all the facts. Then maybe she can go for a trial over a holiday and spend more time there first. However, I think if she really wants to go, then you should let her.

It would be a hard no from me. Your teenager wants to move with someone she barely knows, who isn't legally her parent. Why would you even entertain it?

You don’t understand the problem a mother might have with her 14 year old moving to a different country to live with a man who hasn’t been involved in her upbringing this far?

Ignoring me for a minute. I only want for her to be happy. I have no worries whatsoever about her safety. I imagine it would be a massive culture shock for both of them BUT if she went over there and she wanted to come back it would be difficult to find another school for her and everyone else of her age would be in the middle of GCSEs/‘A’ Levels.

But what about the emotional damage of being separated from you? They need so much help and guidance through the teenage years and some firm boundaries too. I always worry about boarding school for that reason and boarding school holidays are really long and they often come home for weekends so actually wouldn't be so bad as what is proposed here.

I think you'd want to have an honest look about how happy or otherwise she is with u and step siblings right now tbh. Is she actually happy or not? Surely that has an impact on her decision, and yours?

Or maybe her charming Dad is just talking her into it and she isn't unhappy at home at all and has no idea how much she would miss it? She might just have been sold an idea of something that sounds exciting and like being permanently on holiday if that is the context in which she knows Ireland. 14 year olds don't always make the best decisions.

She needs to be very careful that she keeps her options open. If she goes and lives in Ireland, she might lose eligibility for home fees at UK universities. At the moment, she would be eligible, but I don't think there's any certainty that will be the case in 4 years time:

"For courses starting between 1 August 2021 and 1 January 2028, UK nationals and their family members living in the EEA or Switzerland will generally be eligible for home fee status and tuition fee and maintenance loans if they meet the following conditions..."

I've no idea what the rules are in Ireland. Getting Irish citizenship may be problematic if he is not on the birth certificate - she may need you to re-register her birth with her father on the certificate.

Do you want to say what school it is? School fees for private schools are much cheaper thank uk because teachers salaries are still payed by the state.

is she looking to go GCSEs and then move? One compromise might be to come then for transition year and see how it goes. TY is compulsory in many schools. Very few students skip it amd I read recently that students who do it get better leaving cert results overall.

most starting university here are 18 or nearly 19.

This - you like your kids being a unit there is a chance she does not and feels dofferently

time for some honest communication with her

His behaviour when you were pregnant was bad but he’s matured 14 years since then. You seem happy your dd would be safe there, his family are keen on education and she has cousins. So there’s quite a few pluses.
Your dd will go off to Uni anyway, maybe a gap year before or after graduation so she will move away from you. And she’ll come back.
its never easy parenting teens, I was sure they took years off my life at the time.
In many ways this is a credit to you— your dd is confident enough to start planning a serious future and planning her education at 14.

Suggest she goes for the summer holidays. Then see. The expectation would be that she came home for the start of Y10, but if they do LC at 18, perhaps you could all consider a move once she is GCSEs. That’s far enough ahead that she can change her mind, or spend more time in the holidays there so she really feels comfortable.

But I would still want the conversation about the real reasons she wants to go. It may be superficial but there could be something deeper at play.