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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has just unveiled an awful mustache?

167 replies

Celia24 · 30/10/2024 17:58

My boyfriend has a nice short beard with I suppose a mustache included but you don't really notice it.

He asked me a while ago how I'd feel about a mustache and I said I wouldn't be crazy about it and wouldn't really find it attractive.

Well today he told me he had a surprise for me for November. He's just sent me a photo - he's shaved off his beard and fashioned this god awful mustache. I dont like it and it immediately gives me the ick.

He's clearly looking for a compliment but I bloody hate it. AIBU?

OP posts:
rainfallpurevividcat · 30/10/2024 23:54

sweetpickle2 · 30/10/2024 22:56

Say you continued to wear the hairstyle, if he told you it gave him the ick and he didn’t fancy you anymore. That he found it “horrible on a visceral level.” He’d be entitled to feel how he feels, as are you, but can you not say you’d feel quite hurt after a year together?

Real relationships are for the long haul- you may have worse than a moustache to deal with down the line.

If you don’t fancy him anymore because of it then you don’t fancy him- but to answer an earlier question, yes I do think it’s shallow.

Edited

Thing is, it's a boyfriend, not a husband of 20 years. If the shallow stuff isn't right they aren't going to get to the deep end.

rainfallpurevividcat · 30/10/2024 23:57

Sceptical123 · 30/10/2024 23:50

This shows the double standards of mumsnet

Mumsnet has millions of users, there is no one pervasive opinion on any issue. Plus the couple in that thread were married.

Sceptical123 · 31/10/2024 00:00

rainfallpurevividcat · 30/10/2024 23:57

Mumsnet has millions of users, there is no one pervasive opinion on any issue. Plus the couple in that thread were married.

Edited
Show quote history

I didn’t say there was one pervasive opinion - I believe I said it showed double standards - ie - this thread is largely - how could he do this knowing you’d hate it? The other - how could he tell you what to do with your own goddam hair?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

rainfallpurevividcat · 31/10/2024 00:04

Sceptical123 · 31/10/2024 00:00

I didn’t say there was one pervasive opinion - I believe I said it showed double standards - ie - this thread is largely - how could he do this knowing you’d hate it? The other - how could he tell you what to do with your own goddam hair?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

You don't seem to have understood the point. If there are millions of users (or tens of thousands, whatever, there are a lot) what are the chances of different threads with different posters with different opinions v a consistent approach? Why would or should opinions be consistent when completely different people may be replying at any one time?

Sceptical123 · 31/10/2024 00:37

rainfallpurevividcat · 31/10/2024 00:04

You don't seem to have understood the point. If there are millions of users (or tens of thousands, whatever, there are a lot) what are the chances of different threads with different posters with different opinions v a consistent approach? Why would or should opinions be consistent when completely different people may be replying at any one time?

Show quote history

I wasn’t really thinking of it on a metaphysical level - more that it’s another example of a thread where the majority seem to agree that the female OP has a right to tell their partner what is acceptable about their physical appearance and what they don’t want them to change for the sake of their relationship, and another where the majority support the female OP in not giving a shit what her OH feels about her appearance - it’s up to her what she does with her body and he should accept her for her, not what she looks like.

No doubt you’ll tell me I’ve used metaphysical in the wrong context 😑

Namerchangee · 31/10/2024 00:47

I once broke up with a boyfriend after he shaved off his beard and had an absolutely terrible moustache. He ended up looking like his Mum (who I couldn’t stand) with a ‘tache. The relationship wasn’t awful but I just couldn’t get over the ick after that!

BruFord · 31/10/2024 02:48

You’ll have to hope that he gets tired of it and goes back to his original look.

Although be warned, my DH grew a beard about 10 years ago, I’m not keen on it, but he likes it, so it’s stayed. He periodically shaves it off for special occasions such as my birthday, our anniversary…and then immediately starts regrowing it!

It’s almost worse seeing his clean shaven face twice a year, only to have it taken away from me again. 😂

leafybrew · 31/10/2024 03:23

Celia24 · 30/10/2024 18:46

Is it shallow for this to be a deal breaker?

Because I really do hate it.

Yes it is shallow.Because hair grows and he's doing this for November?

But maybe you were looking for an excuse to get rid, and now you have it.

sweetpickle2 · 31/10/2024 07:36

Not really sure what you’re looking for from this post OP.

Yes you’re allowed to not fancy him now.
No he doesn’t have to change his appearance for you.
Yes it’s shallow.

Edingril · 31/10/2024 07:40

Can't see it any different to those weird eyebrows and lip fillers and other strange things women to do make themselves look the same as everyone else

Sure it's up to you so not sure what else can be said

Maray1967 · 31/10/2024 07:44

Celia24 · 30/10/2024 18:58

It's more the fact I told him I hate them and used the words 'I am not attracted' and then he got one.

I find that strange.

I entirely understand how you feel, but his view might well be that he wants it and it isn’t anything to do with you. Mine has long hair now. It doesn’t matter to him that I hate it - but I wouldn’t tolerate being told how my hair should be so that’s fair enough!

Onlyvisiting · 31/10/2024 07:45

Celia24 · 30/10/2024 18:04

Let's say I ask and he says he might keep it beyond November. What then?

I told him I found them unattractive so this is quite a big deal to me if so.

If a man came on here saying he 'hates short hair on women and he told his wife that but she got her hair cut anyway and he hates it, what should he do' I can pretty much guarantee he would get roasted for thinking he could control his wife's body and that she is entitled to do what she likes with her hair and appearance and he is a massive dick.
It's hair. It grows, it gets cut/shaved/dyed etc. If he likes it, it's his face, his choice.
My suggestion- be less shallow.

johnson39 · 31/10/2024 07:53

My dp randomly grows one, more because he likes the attention than anything else .. he looks stupid, but it's his choice to look stupid, although he thinks it looks cool 😂 leave him to him , it's his face.

Original poster
Celia24 · 31/10/2024 08:42

I think all the posts saying you can't control him, it's his body, aren't understanding why it bothers me so much. Ive not said I'll tell him what to do.

The issue is I find it a complete turn off. He's within his rights to do whatever he wants, but he does it knowing I don't fancy men with mustaches. He knew this before.

OP posts:
K0OLA1D · 31/10/2024 08:46

Celia24 · 31/10/2024 08:42

I think all the posts saying you can't control him, it's his body, aren't understanding why it bothers me so much. Ive not said I'll tell him what to do.

The issue is I find it a complete turn off. He's within his rights to do whatever he wants, but he does it knowing I don't fancy men with mustaches. He knew this before.

So end it 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Celia24 · 31/10/2024 08:55

@K0OLA1D clearly LTB is not my first option

The main issue I have is having expressed what a massive turn off they are he got one anyway.

I actually think this is a problem because it shows he doesn't care about my opinion. Does no one see this pov?

OP posts:
Edingril · 31/10/2024 08:56

Onlyvisiting · 31/10/2024 07:45

If a man came on here saying he 'hates short hair on women and he told his wife that but she got her hair cut anyway and he hates it, what should he do' I can pretty much guarantee he would get roasted for thinking he could control his wife's body and that she is entitled to do what she likes with her hair and appearance and he is a massive dick.
It's hair. It grows, it gets cut/shaved/dyed etc. If he likes it, it's his face, his choice.
My suggestion- be less shallow.

Show quote history

Exactly

K0OLA1D · 31/10/2024 09:03

Celia24 · 31/10/2024 08:55

@K0OLA1D clearly LTB is not my first option

The main issue I have is having expressed what a massive turn off they are he got one anyway.

I actually think this is a problem because it shows he doesn't care about my opinion. Does no one see this pov?

But if he wants one then he wants one. If it's such a big problem for you and you've expressed it what other choice do you have? Live with it or leave

LoafofSellotape · 31/10/2024 09:04

Dh grew the most God awful beard a while back,he had it over a year,it was truly hideous. I love beards but this was hideous and straggly like ZZ top. I had the ick for a whole bloody year ! Thank God,he's over that now.

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 31/10/2024 09:19

Shave your pubic hair into a nice mockstache that resembles his. Mine goes when yours does. I don't think yabu. My dh likes long hair, so I keep it long even though it's a pain. I don't care for tattoos, so dh didn't get one when he wanted to. Of course everyone can look how they like, but I would consider my partners feelings about something like this

Original poster
Celia24 · 31/10/2024 09:23

@BabyOwlinthePlumeria thanks.

This is the real crux of it - I feel he hasn't considered my feelings, after knowing my feelings on it. It makes me worry that he no longer cares about whether I find him attractive and is there a bigger issue?

OP posts:
cookiebee · 31/10/2024 09:48

Your posts sound very over emotional and dramatic op, it’s literally just facial hair, he might keep it or not, if you or anyone can’t see past visual changes in your partner then your going to be in for a shock as you all age together, you’ve got to love the person entirely and accept you both won’t always look the same, wether that’s aging or style changes.

Its ok to gently suggest you don’t think something suits your partner, I’m thinking of a coat from M&S my partner wanted, it made him look like a 1970s factory foreman and union rep, but if he had really wanted it, then out we would go together looking like something from ‘carry on at your convenience’.

The hairstyle you said he didn’t like, well if you did like it then wear it, same for him with the moustache and if either of you can’t see past that, then you are not right for each other. We are two guys, I’m sporting huge mutton chop sideburns at the moment, looking a bit like a Victorian policeman, my partner may or may not love them, but he loves me, it’s been 22 years and a lot of different styles, Gareth gates spikes when we met 😂, but we don’t care what the other does to their looks. If you can’t get past this one thing that’s a huge problem.

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 31/10/2024 09:48

Celia24 · 31/10/2024 09:23

@BabyOwlinthePlumeria thanks.

This is the real crux of it - I feel he hasn't considered my feelings, after knowing my feelings on it. It makes me worry that he no longer cares about whether I find him attractive and is there a bigger issue?

Honestly I would let it go until December. If he's a gem in every other way and it's for his uncle then I'd support him for a bit. If Tom Selleck is still around in January then revisit. Keeping at it now is only going to create a tug-of-war situation where someone has to lose and someone has to win.

HealthyLiquorice · 31/10/2024 09:56

Think I am in the complete minority, but I love a moustache! Swoon. I am an absolute weirdo, and don't know where this obsession came from. November is my favourite month. Send him to me! 😂

SinnerBoy · 31/10/2024 10:08

Sorry, I voted that you are being unreasonable, soley because you can't spell moustache.

😀