Embarrassed/Shamed by colleague

[loveydoveyloon]

So, i'm fuming!

I run 1 of 3 remote sites and we have a head office further down the country. An email went out last week asking all Managers if they would like to contribute a set amount toward the GM's birthday (not a significant birthday). If you wanted to contribute to email back and bank details would be sent out. I did not respond. We don't get any perks with the company, they have stopped wfh flexibility and to be fair don't like the guy, bit of a sleaze, that's another story.

Yesterday, the colleague who was arranging his present called me up, from an office she shares with several managers and HR, I could hear everyone in the background, it sounded like she had me on loud speaker, asking if I would not be contributing and why not, so I had to explain that cash is a bit tight at the moment and Christmas is round the corner plus 3 family birthdays.

I felt embarrassed to admit in front of colleagues I have meetings with everyday that I could not afford to contribute towards his present.

AIBU to be angry. She could have emailed or spoke to me discretely.

They sound unpleasant. You walked right into her trap. Why did you give any excuse at all? That's none of their business.

That is tantamount to bullying in my opinion.
You are right to be angry.
Can you raise it with HR because there is no way you should have to discuss your personal circumstances in front of colleagues?
And surely contributing to this, or any other colleague's, birthday present surely should be voluntary?

Oh dear, that's really nit on but you dudnt need to explain yourself. "No I won't be contributing" is enough.

It was a shitty thing to do, but if you could hear others talking in the background, they probably weren't paying much attention. Personally, I wouldn't think anything of someone not contributing to a gift - I rarely do myself, unless it's a special occasion and someone I think highly of.

GM? Is this someone senior? If so, contributing to a birthday present is ridiculous.

Ask a manager has some really good suggestions of how to handle this sort of thing. It's pretty unpleasant in my opinion to try and force people to give money, you've no idea what their circumstances are like https://www.askamanager.org/2016/12/the-rules-you-need-for-office-gift-giving.html

But there was no need for you to explain. You volunteered that information.

Email her stating that you found it unprofessional and intrusive that she chose to call you from a crowded office to ask about this. Remind her that all contributions to gifts are voluntary.

Definitely do this !

And cc in HR. Unbelievably unprofessional of her to do this, it’s none of her damn business. Why is she chasing contributions? Is she trying to curry favour with the GM?

There was a long pause and she was waiting for a reply, and i kind off stuttered it, it was really uncomfortable

General manager

I think I would email HR and let them know that being put in that position - especially when on speaker phone feels extremely humilating. Not only do you not have to ever explain yourself publicly like with voluntary whiparounds like that, you shouldn't be put in a position to publicly humiliate yourself. HR should never have called you in the first place, but even so, could have handled that with a modicum of decorum.

Nasty. (Them, not you!)

I remember my dad drumming it into me: "There is no need to fill a silence." Difficult to do when caught on the moment.

Weird to be expected to contribute to a gift for someone higher up the feeding chain than you. Only times I've ever been invited to do that have been for retirements and babies. And never any expectations - or justifications.

Ooh I bet you could think of so many other responses after the event!! Just a horrible experience with childish and nasty people. So, how much did he put into your birthday collection?? hmmmmmm???!!!

I agree with your dad.

The best thing would have been to allow the silence and not break it, that would have made it awkward for her. Easy in retrospect though. Definitely raise with HR, very unprofessional behaviour in her part.

i agree, you don't have a whip round for people senior to you. They probably earn more than enough!

Not only should she not have asked you publicly to explain why you didn’t contribute, she had absolutely no right to ask you to explain your actions at all, even by email. It's bullying. I understand that you might not want to rock the boat, but I’d be tempted to complain. If HR personnel could hear the conversation and did nothing about it, it’s disgraceful.

I know exactly what he earns, and it is more than double my salary

He doesn't acknowledge our birthdays either - to be fair I think its a bit of arse kissing

That's awful, I don't get why some people purposefully go out of their way to embarrass or try to shame others. I don't ever contribute to be honest unless it's someone I'm also a friend with (but invariably just buy them a drink at their leaving do!). I remember when I started my first job I was given the task of getting a leaving card signed and collection money- the most senior manager pulled a £20 out of his wallet and I thought wow that's generous; he then rifled through the envelope to get some change and took £19.50 so he donated 50p. Which is fine of course, just made me laugh.

Thanks you for all your responses, not sure what I was expecting to get out of this - maybe it was just to vent

I felt like she was cheeky and put me on the spot - I will consider making a complaint though

As a pp’s dad said ‘No need to fill a silence’. Long pauses can be very useful in terms of bringing home to someone that they’ve just asked or said something unacceptable. Then ‘No, I won’t be contributing, Nora. Was that all you needed? Thanks, bye.’

Never tell anyone ur finances situation. It's no one's business. And for anyone that's laughs shows how petty they are. I would that person and tell them it was really I
Unfair what they said.

God I would be raging if I were put on the spot like you have been, definitely complain to Hr

I would make a complaint to HR

No one has any obligation to contribute to collections and this person was trying to put you on the spot and humiliate you...