Embarrassed/Shamed by colleague

[loveydoveyloon]

So, i'm fuming!

I run 1 of 3 remote sites and we have a head office further down the country. An email went out last week asking all Managers if they would like to contribute a set amount toward the GM's birthday (not a significant birthday). If you wanted to contribute to email back and bank details would be sent out. I did not respond. We don't get any perks with the company, they have stopped wfh flexibility and to be fair don't like the guy, bit of a sleaze, that's another story.

Yesterday, the colleague who was arranging his present called me up, from an office she shares with several managers and HR, I could hear everyone in the background, it sounded like she had me on loud speaker, asking if I would not be contributing and why not, so I had to explain that cash is a bit tight at the moment and Christmas is round the corner plus 3 family birthdays.

I felt embarrassed to admit in front of colleagues I have meetings with everyday that I could not afford to contribute towards his present.

AIBU to be angry. She could have emailed or spoke to me discretely.

God that’s awful. What if you were having serious money problems or something? Nobody has the right to question anyone for not contributing to a voluntary gift collection. I’m afraid I’d have to say something to her.

It can be overwhelming when put on the spot like that but you need to have the courage to call it out. “Do you have me on speaker?” “That is an inappropriate question.” “Actually I was waiting for a reply from HR on what the policy is for subordinates buying gifts for their bosses. I am sure they will be in touch with you very soon.”

I would complain and say that it's extremely unprofessional to harrass someone individually for a voluntary event and it's extremely intrusive and humiliating to probe you for a reason and make you have to disclose your financial and personal situation to colleagues.

I wouldn’t bother complaining OP as it probably won’t go anywhere. I would certainly learn a lesson from it though. Your financial position or personal feelings are nobody else’s business and you don’t have to explain yourself.

She was cheeky, she did put you on the spot, but you could have called her out, ‘That’s none of your business but I won’t be contributing. It’s inappropriate to check up on people like this. Goodbye.’

I dealt with a similar experience that happened to one of my employees.

I hauled the perpetrator over the coals and I mean over the coals. I also had her two line managers in profusely apologising. I was so angry that I could’ve sacked her on the spot

Fortunately the law doesn’t allow for this lol.

She’s remained under my radar ever since

Email to the colleague arranging the collection stating that you are extremely uncomfortable with the way she has gone about things, that collections are voluntary and she has no place to chase people that have chosen, entirely reasonably, not to contribute. If it happens again you’ll take more formal options, but happy to be done with this as is for now.

Copy to HR advising them that others may feel under pressure to contribute if these tactics are allowed to continue, and you’d like them just to note this in case anything further comes up in future.

(Senior HR professional.)

There's been loads of suggestions for good replies, largely along the lines of either 'This isn't up for discussion' or 'No, I'm not contributing' or both.

Why do you 'have to' contribute the same as full time staff?
And it's outrageous to send round children to check up on contributions.
I'd be having serious words with a manager about this set-up.

For what it's worth, given how inappropriate it was of your colleague to ask you why you're not contributing, if I'd been overhearing the conversation I'd have assumed your answer was a convenient fiction, rather than a statement of fact. On the other hand, the whole episode (asking for contributions, and the follow up), reflects very poorly on your colleague's judgement and awareness of professional norms - if I'd been overhearing, that's where my concern would have been.

That is truly awful and I'm sure she would be in serious trouble for that. Definitely report to Hr.

I'm very surprised a senior HR professional is suggesting opening a dialogue with colleague, which almost certainly won't go down well, particularly with the passive aggressive copying to HR.

This should go to HR to deal with.

You were put on the spot. In future if you find yourself in any similar situation, take a moment to consider what is happening. It’s fine to request email communication instead, it’s fine to question why you are on loudspeaker, and it’s fine to respond that you don’t have to offer any kind of explanation. Definitely raise a complaint.

I was once asked to contribute for a colleague’s wedding anniversary. Is this a thing?

If I was someone who could think on the spot or knew this call was coming I’d like to think I’d say, sorry you’re breaking up I can’t hear you, hello, hello. Then cut the call off and if she phoned again I’d ignore.😁

You didn't need to answer..

You don't HAVE to explain yourself.

Just say 'because I'm not. It is nothing to do with my job and interrogating me on my personal financial choices and circumstances is simply not acceptable'.

Keep repeting anytime some asks you something personal about money.

Email to her as in PP cc to HR

A whip round for the GM birthday? What a joke! Never heard of anything so ridiculous. And bullying/humiliating into contributing.

This is awful! Getting the children to check?

For future reference, you can just hang up!

It's happened to me before and I've just laughed and said "because I don't want to"

That’s awful @loveydoveyloon. You definitely did not owe anyone an explanation but I know I would have panicked and said the exact same thing.

If I was a colleague in earshot and had overheard that conversation, I would only be thinking about how inappropriate she was being, not about if you chipped in or not!

Someone else just rang and asked if i had put in, turns out it was a significant birthday, which was not put in the email, my decision may have been different if that had been made clear (although still not the full amount the asked for). I just replied No and waited for the long silence, apparently not doing a presentation just going to slip it to them

Good for you.

If you actually were on speakerphone, her colleagues may well have thought you were being rather more polite than saying "Because he's an overpaid sleaze who has made our work-life balance worse." They may be thinking well of you for this!