Embarrassed/Shamed by colleague

[loveydoveyloon]

So, i'm fuming!

I run 1 of 3 remote sites and we have a head office further down the country. An email went out last week asking all Managers if they would like to contribute a set amount toward the GM's birthday (not a significant birthday). If you wanted to contribute to email back and bank details would be sent out. I did not respond. We don't get any perks with the company, they have stopped wfh flexibility and to be fair don't like the guy, bit of a sleaze, that's another story.

Yesterday, the colleague who was arranging his present called me up, from an office she shares with several managers and HR, I could hear everyone in the background, it sounded like she had me on loud speaker, asking if I would not be contributing and why not, so I had to explain that cash is a bit tight at the moment and Christmas is round the corner plus 3 family birthdays.

I felt embarrassed to admit in front of colleagues I have meetings with everyday that I could not afford to contribute towards his present.

AIBU to be angry. She could have emailed or spoke to me discretely.

Definitely talk to HR. I'd say that's bullying.

Having said that, you didn't 'have to' share your personal financial and family info with her. In the nicest way, you need to get better at standing up for yourself, and never mind if it feels 'awkward'.
I find replying with my own question quite useful as it turns things back on the other person and doesn't feel confrontational. So e.g. 'Why are you asking this? The message said contributing is optional,' and then leave a silence.

I’d not complain to hr, they aren’t like telling teacher. But speak to her individually, and explain why her behaviour wasn’t acceptable, that’s the grown up way to deal with it, and hr and management would expect you to be a grown up.

I find the whole birthday contributions thing icky to begin with, but to ask the lower ranking, lower paid employees to contribute to a birthday present of the one of the highest ranking and highest paid manager is beyond disgusting. Chasing people for these contributions is even worse. I have no words for such attitudes.

Can you switch jobs? This is not a company worth staying with.

I’d email saying you didn’t appreciate it as previous poster said and copy in HR.
There was a collection for someone who was leaving work recently and after contributing twice over the last year for flowers when she had other issues I wasn’t up for giving any more as money js very tight for me. I don’t expect anyone to challenge me on this and I’d be pissed off if they did

I was going to suggest cc'ing HR

i would speak to HR - that is out of order.

Raising unacceptable behaviour at work with HR is not 'telling teacher'.

This. Just silence and wait.

Absolutely unacceptable, I'd be raging.

Yes you are reasonable to be cross about this.

At the very least it was indiscreet, and at worst quite manipulative .

Fwiw, re feeling embarrassed about saying you couldn’t afford it, I wouldn’t worry too much. People ( who even care) will be unsure as to whether it was just an empty excuse/ refusal to contribute.

I really hate workplace birthday collections.

Id happily forgo getting anything myself.

I Work part time in a school and the ‘brown envelope’ is sent around all the time with everyone’s name in it and once you contribute your name gets crossed out.

making it worse is the fact that I work part time and I have to contribute the same as full time staff, seems so unfair. I might just start putting in half from now on, but children are always sent round to check what each teacher or CA puts in 😵‍💫

No. Do not email the colleague. Go straight to HR. This is bullying.

You should have said "I'm not going to discuss this with you when you're in a public place" or, more materially "This just isn't up for discussion".

Yanbu for not contributing but yabu for giving them any sort of reason, let alone disclosing your financial situation.

No thank you I won't be contributing.

End of conversation.

If there were others in the background listening to you on loud speaker I bet they thought ‘fair play to her, wish we had the balls to say no’.

Next time you speak to her alone I’d say ‘cheers for putting me on the spot like that. Just for reference I won’t be contributing to anyone’s birthday collection. Coz guess what? I get fuck all for mine.’

You would have spoken for everyone / most employees. There’s no shame to say I can’t contribute to a managers gift because I have more important gifts to contribute to. Feel fine. You said the thoughts of the team. I’d have added in once we all get pay rises we can contribute.

I could hear everyone in the background, it sounded like she had me on loud speaker

Are you sure you were on speaker? I'd assume she was just calling you from a noisy room. Check your facts before complaining

There's no shame in saying you can't afford something.

If you don't like a call in future then take the time to say so.

It's loud there, am I on speakerphone?,
Did you want to find somewhere quieter first?

And feel OK to push back:

This is voluntary I take it?
I wasn't expecting to be asked about my finances.
Can I call you back after work? This seems more of a personal thing.

Or straight to the point:
I'm not comfortable with this conversation (and then stop talking, use the silence too)

Definite complaint to HR. These things should be voluntary & anonymous.

I also think this to be verging on if not actual bullying.

However, going forwards, you've learned a very important lesson here - not to feel that you have to fill a silence in a meeting or a phone call. If you do feel the need to fill that silence, turn whatever the comment leading up to the silence around and say something like this "So, just so that I understand what this call is about - you are phoning me up to ask me if I have contributed to this voluntary and anonymous collection, which kind of flies in the face of it being voluntary and also anonymous, don't you think? I think this is a conversation best had face to face and also not on a loudspeaker phone so we'll schedule a time to discuss this tomorrow or later this week."

Do not put up with this kind of office politics or bullying.

(edited to correct a spelling)

I think if anything she will have looked bad from this conversation, not you.

I know its easy to say in retrospect but I would have let the silence hang, then briskly said 'Well is that all X? i'm in the middle of something'. She can't be that busy is she has time to do collections for the GM AND chase everyone who didn't contribute. Presumably it isn't part of her job description.

I would also be fuming about being asked at all. Very poor taste to ask for contributions for someone who is on a considerably higher salary. Tempting to say this to HR but probably best to only raise the colleague's behaviour. Asking for a contribution is fine, chasing and pressurising lower paid workers (especially in front of others) is not OK. Don't go into your financial situation at home, make it a general point. Do say that 'some of us are not as well paid as others' and look at them (HR) meaningfully.

Faux innocent: “Sorry, it’s voluntary, isn’t it?”

Her, “Yes, but…”

You (lightly): “because it’s beginning to come across as a bit coercive!”