Embarrassed/Shamed by colleague

[loveydoveyloon]

So, i'm fuming!

I run 1 of 3 remote sites and we have a head office further down the country. An email went out last week asking all Managers if they would like to contribute a set amount toward the GM's birthday (not a significant birthday). If you wanted to contribute to email back and bank details would be sent out. I did not respond. We don't get any perks with the company, they have stopped wfh flexibility and to be fair don't like the guy, bit of a sleaze, that's another story.

Yesterday, the colleague who was arranging his present called me up, from an office she shares with several managers and HR, I could hear everyone in the background, it sounded like she had me on loud speaker, asking if I would not be contributing and why not, so I had to explain that cash is a bit tight at the moment and Christmas is round the corner plus 3 family birthdays.

I felt embarrassed to admit in front of colleagues I have meetings with everyday that I could not afford to contribute towards his present.

AIBU to be angry. She could have emailed or spoke to me discretely.

A general manager won't be able to grant perks I suspect, so not far to judge on that.

Not fair though. Next time just say that you'll call back.

Again this language where if someone feels they need some support at work they're not a proper grown-up. It's quite nasty.

No one's addressed my earlier question, so I'll say it again: does being phoned up and harassed/intimidated about contributing to presents conduce to a positive and harmonious work environment? Might managers and HR not like to know about events that might affect staff's relationships and morale? Is this not something that staff could reasonably expect HR and/or managers to 'do for them'?

Every single person contributes to the organisational culture.

Calling out poor behaviour is everyone’s responsibility.

I suggested copying HR in to OP’s response to the person in order that they be aware. But expecting them to step in over this is not reasonable in my (extremely experienced and award winning) view. We don’t have capes, we can’t fly, and grown ups should be able to raise concerns about someone’s behaviour appropriately in the first instance.

'grown ups' again. I don't think you can help yourself. Or do you just enjoy using mean-girl language?
I don't get your point about capes and flying. I don't think someone needs to be exceptional to support employees.
I would find copying in HR passive-aggressive. I think straightforward is always best.
I think a culture where not one but two staff members find it acceptable to ring up a colleague to ask why they're exercising their right not to contribute to a present fund sounds like a culture where someone senior needs to step in.
But then again I'm not an award-winning HR person 🙃

Perhaps " clamp down" wasn't the correct expression.
But HR absolutely should be supporting and intervening where a member of staff is experiencing bullying behaviour.

On the assumption that we are talking about grown adults here, why do we need another adult to come and referee that conversation? In serious cases of bullying (and yes,I have seen AND been party to horrific bullying myself) then of course there should be support but if every interaction that is deemed to be unsatisfactory, do we suggest that it's OK to go running to the workplace equivalent of Mum or Dad to sort it out? I'd prefer to see HR much more involved in coaching employees to deal with unwanted behaviour and also be aware of their impact on others than have them involved in "sorting it out" resulting in more conflict, time spent on investigation, sanctions, impact on relationships - shall i go on?

No need to keep my workload as light as possible; if you check me out you'll find I specialise in coaching people to do exactly this and no need to reduce my workload. The opposite actually..

id think no more of this

colleague behaved badly by putting you on the spot on speaker

why would you be embarrassed at what you can/cannot afford? Who cares if they think that you’re not rich or whatever? I don’t care how much money anyone thinks I have. They can think I have an overdraft or a million quid. It makes no difference to me.

I'm sorry they did this to you, terrible work ethics on their part.. It would be interesting to know if they also did this to your other colleagues!
As for reporting this to HR, in my experience they are only there to protect the company, not the employee (you can @me but we all know I'm right!) and they will probably come up with the usual excuses. However, if a complaint is lodged it's on record so that IS a good if things ever escalated, following said complaint..

Best wishes to you, whatever you decide to do..

This. Definitely this.
And as I said, I've spent years coaching people to do exactly as ItTook9Years suggests. HR is not your parent!

Just practise saying “Sorry I don’t feel comfortable answering that question, was there something work related you wanted to speak to me about?”. Or “I would have thought the answer to that was obvious [long pause whilst they feel stupid]. Was there anything else.” Or if all else fails, “sorry it’s really noisy here, could you just stick that in an email. Or if you think we need to chat could you send me a teams invite.” Genuinely practise at home and just use some standard phrases.

Or just lie and say you made a New Year’s resolution to put all your contributions to a worthy cause and you’re on course to be able to sponsor a depressed sloth by Christmas.

That's completely wrong. I hope they feel embarrassed for putting you in that position.

She probably called as nobody else said yes so she was trying to shame people into putting in.

Should have said no I'm not. You did not need to explain. Just say bye and hang up. Definitely raise this with HR it's intimidation.

You should be angry at yourself for not having a backbone. If you didn’t want to contribute because you don’t like the guy, then just say anything along the lines of “I thought this was discretionary” or “I won’t be contributing on this occasion” or “I don’t need to justify myself to you”. There were more options than telling a roomful of people that you’re too poor to do so, especially when you suspected the call was being broadcast. She had no right to ring you like that, but you’re an adult and could’ve handled it much better.

That is so out of order! I would be making a complaint to HR. That is completely unreasonable. Sorry this happened OP.

When asked if you would be contributing, a simple ‘no thanks’ would suffice. You should not have to give reasons to justify your decision ‘it’s not mandatory,’ or ‘that’s my business’ when asked why. ‘No ´ is a single word and a very powerful one. The woman who cornered you and had you on loud speaker needs to hear ‘no ´ more often. IMO, very wrong of her to do this.

Early in my career and very young i always paid into the collections even though i earned very little. Nasty manager said why are you signing that card had assumed I hadn’t paid. I am sure I paid more than she did.

Not only was it inappropriate to call you out publicly, in my opinion, she had no business 'chasing' contributions. This is such bad manners.

I would feel quite safe in the knowledge that you have them... and she doesn't.

Personally I’d have just said ‘no I don’t want to start contributing toward birthdays!’

I would probably email the boss who asked you and say that you find it very unprofessional that she ‘chased’ you for a contribution and could she please refrain from asking you in future as you do not wish to buy colleagues etc birthday presents. ‘

I find this appalling ! If you didn’t respond asking for her bank details then that should have been left there!

That you're embarrassed about admitting money's tight bothers me as much as the obsequiousness of being expected to contribute to a colleague's birthday present just because he is of higher status within the company.

Nobody knows your financial setup and commitments and there's never any reason to be embarrassed about your financial status. Unless you won jackpot on the lottery last month and this month you're skint!

This is shocking! Two phone calls to contribute to a birthday!?

She is bang out of order and you need to have a word with her.

I find the whole contributing thing at work really difficult, especially leaving gifts. A card (and cake!) on the organisation would be fine

Rough situation though I would have done the same thing, and felt like shit afterwards. Her mistake though was doing it in front of others. They can now see how she behaves toward her colleagues and I am sure at least some of them will think it was out of line.

You should not have been obliged to give a reason. That was a gross invasion of privacy. ''I do not feel I have to tell you what my reasons are...'' would have done. She was trying to put you in a spot so you'd say ''Oh, all right then...''.