Embarrassed/Shamed by colleague

[loveydoveyloon]

So, i'm fuming!

I run 1 of 3 remote sites and we have a head office further down the country. An email went out last week asking all Managers if they would like to contribute a set amount toward the GM's birthday (not a significant birthday). If you wanted to contribute to email back and bank details would be sent out. I did not respond. We don't get any perks with the company, they have stopped wfh flexibility and to be fair don't like the guy, bit of a sleaze, that's another story.

Yesterday, the colleague who was arranging his present called me up, from an office she shares with several managers and HR, I could hear everyone in the background, it sounded like she had me on loud speaker, asking if I would not be contributing and why not, so I had to explain that cash is a bit tight at the moment and Christmas is round the corner plus 3 family birthdays.

I felt embarrassed to admit in front of colleagues I have meetings with everyday that I could not afford to contribute towards his present.

AIBU to be angry. She could have emailed or spoke to me discretely.

I don't contribute to work collections, they're not my friends, they're my colleagues. Just say no.

Me too; that doesn't sound right at all. Surely HR are there to be a neutral party precisely so you don't need to engage with colleagues on difficult issues like this?

Good for you.
Someone else phoning, though? This is serious badgering. Not to mention, do people not have enough to do with their actual jobs?

30 years ago, maybe.

These days we like the grown ups to behave like grown ups so we can get on with important stuff, rather than playing HR police.

They are the ones that should be embarrassed and shamed!
As others have said, learning not to be worried by silences , especially when you are used to working with everyday conventions for conversations, can be really difficult. Try to figure out a question to ask or a phrase to use so that you can break the silence and turn it back on them - and as these things are never easy to think of in the moment that you actually need them, write them down on a piece of paper and stick/pin it to your office wall or cubicle wall or the inside of a drawer so it’s there when you need it. Have it folded, or underneath/behind something else so other people can’t see it. But then you’ll have the confidence of knowing that it’s there when you need it.
Responses could be along the lines of those already suggested of ‘did you really mean to be so rude?’, ‘I’m not sure why you’re asking me that’, ‘I don’t understand why I need to reply to that’, ‘anything else you want to harass me about?’

Definitely follow up and copy your email to HR and send a supporting note to HR along the lines suggested previously too - makes you look good and sensible and highlights the inappropriateness of collecting towards someone seniors birthday when you are all getting paid much less - and getting nothing back from the senior person in return.

I have always adopted the protocol of immediately telling anyone i'm speaking to if they are on loudspeaker. At the very start of the call.

What they may or may not say after that is on them.

Back to OPs dilemma: practice saying things like "no, i won't be contributing" and adding nothing further. It is a very useful thing to know how to do.

ETA: If you do take this to HR be general about it. (because it is on you that you shared information, tbh). Say that you don't find it appropriate to have collections except for exceptional cases - eg babys, significant birthdays and weddings - and that you worry that junior, less well paid staff may think they are obliged to contribute and then justify why they haven't contributed if that comes up. Try to achieve company wide clarity on this without connecting it to you and this collection

Is colleagues being harassed and pressed for personal information not important, then?
Although, silly me, I should always remember that HR are there to cover the company's arse and don't much care about the staff.

i think it is perfectly legit to involve HR in clarifying company policy on collections. They can usefully remind everyone that they happen on x, y, z occasions only and are entirely voluntary.

Or they could say: it is company policy to keep out of this issue. If anyone wants to collect on their own time, that is fine, please treat it as a voluntary confidential issue.

FWIW: in my last job we collected for babies, weddings and leaving. And since we all worked all over the place and remotely, it was sent to me either by PayPal, bank transfer or they gave me cash if/when they saw me. I had a list so i could keep track of how much we had to spend, but never ever told anyone and deleted them when i left. But if anyone had ever asked or accused me of anything, i had the evidence.

First time I can tick that old trope off on my HR Bingo Card!

May not meet the threshold for harassment (we only have one side of the story). Unless OP is going to raise a formal grievance it’s completely reasonable for her to raise the issue informally with the person she has the issue with.

Having worked for some of the UK’s biggest employers, this is 100% the modern HR approach.

Our team had a director, now retired thankfully, who would insist on a whip round for birthdays. She was very big on saying that of course it was all voluntary, no expectations, while at the same time telling her direct reports (the team leaders) that they must contribute even if lower grade staff didn’t. She also told us as team leaders that we must buy Xmas gifts for our team members and £20 per head was the suggested amount. That means £100 in my case - much more than I spend on my closest friends.
One colleague very cleverly suggested that instead of gifts, we might like to donate to the charity of the birthday person’s choice - Director really had to agree and nobody now knows who has donated or how much. Totally took the air out of that balloon.

You decided to give an answer. You could have simply said 'because I don't want to contribute'.

And copy HR into it. She shamed you - there was no need to have you on speakerphone - and she needs to answer to that. I would definitely mention the speakerphone in the email.

So is GM the general manager, aka the person who earns the most in the company?

Complain …, but what do you want the result to be? Your “result” needs to be clear in your mind because it’s likely someone will ask you .. “what does resolving this look like for you?”

Do you want an apology from the person who called? The others in the room? Face to face? Written? A policy for celebration collection?

She shouldn't have asked you. Out of order.

Personally, I think I would only involve HR at a point of escalation following an initial direct conversation with the colleague. I don’t understand why they would need to be involved at this stage.

Yeah, this. There's almost never any use in complaining.

Well I’m not sure I’d class this as harrassment to be honest, but mainly for something like this, hr and management would expect the individuals to have a conversation about it. Not everything it run to thr adults and get them to fix it for you

I had this one at uni. A person asked me to contribute a (for me) large amount to a guys present , one that she fancied, and that I was supremely indifferent. I said I’ll match the contribution he made to my birthday present ( ie f” all). Don’t suggest this as a response, but it made me laugh and her grimace!

Exactly. My rule is I would never "gift up". At the same level or below I'll consider it. Senior to me. Nope screw that. They can afford to buy their own damn present.

I would be furious.

My work don't do birthdays but when there is a gift for someone leaving etc it's voluntary and would never check if someone donated or not. And I rarely give if it's someone who earns a lot more than me - when I was asked for a very senior person I just signed the card to wish them well.

That is absolutely shocking and not normal practice.
I would be emailing HR for guidance on policy.
Is it in company policy for staff to harass forca voluntary contribution to a management gift.
Ask for guidance and the policy relating to it, because you feel utterly humiliated by this.

Probably nothing will come of it, but you will have it noted.

"I don't wish to contribute"
Why?
"I don't wish to contribute"
Why?
"Because like I said, I don't want to contribute"

You don't need to give a reason at all. For all they know, the person may have bullied you in the past, been rude, insulting, you hate them and so on.

Sounds like mean girl bitch