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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive a team mate home?

277 replies

everlyevers · 30/10/2024 02:52

I have recently joined a local sports team, as a way of getting some fitness in. The team are nice enough but we still dont really know each other that well.

We have a new person joining our team and they have asked if anyone is able to give them lifts home after each weekly game.
We play in the area i live in, it's a couple mins drive from mine, very handy.

This team member lives in the next town along and it turns out im nearest so i was asked if i could be the person to do it.

I was caught off guard & said it should be fine but really i was thinking no way!

As much as im nearest than the other team members, i still have to drive past my house, and back again.

Honestly i'm not the best at speaking up, plus massive introvert & this just feels like it will ruin my experience, i really am enjoying the game but now don't know how to say no without sounding mean.

I just don't want to
a) feel obligated to do something I don't want to
b) have someone in my car when im all hot & sweaty
C) make small talk
d) go out of my way for someone ive never met!

I don't know, aibu?

How do i get out of this!

OP posts:
LifeIsNeverKind · 30/10/2024 12:49

'I'm really sorry, I won't be able to give you lifts home after all'.

I know lots of posters will say 'don't apologise' but I find it makes things easier to say.

Just don't look apologetic if that makes sense - deep breath, shoulders back, smile and keep your head up. Hold your nerve and don't explain any further. Something like 'Yes, it's a shame' will suffice if you really feel the need to say any more.

Don't back down - you'll be so happy once you've done it, honestly!

Funkyslippers · 30/10/2024 12:53

marmamumma · 30/10/2024 03:41

You have options here OP

  1. sorry I've just been done for drink driving ( park car around the corner)
  2. Do it once but get the smelliest dog you can find in your car first plus get a smoker to smoke a pack in there and then the worst incense possible lit
  3. Bring along a relative ( DH, DM DC whoever and get them to not stop talking the most random shite they can think of. Can seriously lend you a child who would do it gleefully
  4. Ask yourself in when you drop them off. Turn off the car. Gosh I'm so keen for a cuppa, you got any bikkies? Wander and don't leave for an hour.
  5. Any of those should solve your problem. You just need to be ballsy
  1. What I would actually do - "Oh gosh I'd love to but I have to pick up my uncle every week ( from town far away) as he does U3A. So sorry. And run.

There is absolutely no need to lie. Just tell the truth!

Readmorebooks40 · 30/10/2024 12:54

Can you walk? That way you don't have to give them a lift home and good exercise for you. You could still drive now and again but just tell them you're gonna walk most of the time.

purplebeansprouts · 30/10/2024 12:56

Readmorebooks40 · 30/10/2024 12:54

Can you walk? That way you don't have to give them a lift home and good exercise for you. You could still drive now and again but just tell them you're gonna walk most of the time.

She's just been playing a sport she doesn't need "good exercise".

I wish people would stop suggesting she walks just because she said yes when she meant no

Daisymay6 · 30/10/2024 13:00

everlyevers · 30/10/2024 02:52

I have recently joined a local sports team, as a way of getting some fitness in. The team are nice enough but we still dont really know each other that well.

We have a new person joining our team and they have asked if anyone is able to give them lifts home after each weekly game.
We play in the area i live in, it's a couple mins drive from mine, very handy.

This team member lives in the next town along and it turns out im nearest so i was asked if i could be the person to do it.

I was caught off guard & said it should be fine but really i was thinking no way!

As much as im nearest than the other team members, i still have to drive past my house, and back again.

Honestly i'm not the best at speaking up, plus massive introvert & this just feels like it will ruin my experience, i really am enjoying the game but now don't know how to say no without sounding mean.

I just don't want to
a) feel obligated to do something I don't want to
b) have someone in my car when im all hot & sweaty
C) make small talk
d) go out of my way for someone ive never met!

I don't know, aibu?

How do i get out of this!

When did people get so entitled
I wouldn't dream of starting going to something if I couldn't get myself there and back .
Nor would I impose myself on someone I knew by asking for lifts

premierleague · 30/10/2024 13:02

Just text the person 'Hi x, sorry but I hadn't fully understood before where you live. I'm only a couple of minutes from the club and so taking you home would be a big detour and I won't be able to do it. see you next week, (your name)'

Gettingbysomehow · 30/10/2024 13:04

I can't believe the nerve of people who join things then expect others to ferry them about everywhere. I've never asked anyone to do this. If I can't get to a hobby I do regularly then I don't do that hobby.

Manxexile · 30/10/2024 13:10

"... We have a new person joining our team and they have asked if anyone is able to give them lifts home after each weekly game.
We play in the area i live in, it's a couple mins drive from mine, very handy.
This team member lives in the next town along and it turns out im nearest so i was asked if i could be the person to do it..."

1 How does this person get there in the first place and why can't they return via the same method of transport?

2 Are you certain that you were asked to drive them home on a standing regular basis, or was this a one-off for the first time they've joined your team?

If this isn't a one-off and you are expected to do this on a regular basis I'd just say "Sorry. I was quite happy to give xxx a lift home after the match on that first occasion as a one-off, but I didn;t realise I was being asked to do so on a standing basis. I can't commit to to taking them home after every fixture"

buttonsB4 · 30/10/2024 13:11

How about saying you misunderstood and thought it was a one-off lift, not forever more and you can only do it one time, but that gives them ample time to sort out a bike/download Uber/work out the bus time table etc.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/10/2024 13:23

1 How does this person get there in the first place and why can't they return via the same method of transport?

This! Has the OP come back to clarify?

It’s fine to not want to commit to this every week. It would make far more sense for someone who is passing this new person’s house to be asked, not the OP who would have to drive past their own house.

It just wouldn’t occur to me to join a new club though and expect it to be anyone else’s responsibility to get me there or home again but myself!

CoffeeCantata · 30/10/2024 13:38

GoldCat255 · 30/10/2024 10:22

We need to be more assertive. Next time say no.

I completely get how OP could have been caught off guard - it's easy to say 'be more assertive', but sometimes people really catch you out.

I try to train myself to always say 'Let me think about it and get back to you' to any requests like this. It's not as blunt as 'no', but allows you to say no in your own time. It's my 'get myself off the hook' line, and I usually get back to them within minutes - when I've recovered my equilibrium!

Lavenderfarmcottage · 30/10/2024 13:59

Humphhhh · 30/10/2024 07:17

You know that's really weird right? To make a minor lie that you then have to absorb into your everyday life and always remember.

There's plenty of suggestions for saying no politely on this thread.

Show quote history

The lie is just the first example I could think of.

No I don’t think it’s weird to tell a polite white lie.

It’s not always easy to be assertive for everyone and it’s not always easy to say politely when you’re put on the spot.

Readmorebooks40 · 30/10/2024 14:20

OP

Original poster
everlyevers · 30/10/2024 14:51

It's probably 15/20 minutes walk to the club, i don't walk because it's always dark and i'd have to cut through a forest. We all leave at the same time and see each other getting in cars so i couldn't lie about that.

I am so glad a-lot of people agree that this is unreasonable, i did wonder if i was just being lazy.

I like the idea of just saying on second thoughts this doesn't work for me, or similar. Just need to be brave enough now!

OP posts:
MarkWithaC · 30/10/2024 15:21

everlyevers · 30/10/2024 14:51

It's probably 15/20 minutes walk to the club, i don't walk because it's always dark and i'd have to cut through a forest. We all leave at the same time and see each other getting in cars so i couldn't lie about that.

I am so glad a-lot of people agree that this is unreasonable, i did wonder if i was just being lazy.

I like the idea of just saying on second thoughts this doesn't work for me, or similar. Just need to be brave enough now!

'I was caught off guard the other day and actually this isn't going to work for me. Night!' breezily, as you'e going out the door.

GreyCarpet · 30/10/2024 15:32

I am so glad a-lot of people agree that this is unreasonable, i did wonder if i was just being lazy.

Thing is, though.

Even if every single person had responded and said they would do it and that you were just lazy, it still wouldn't mean you ought to do it.

You can say no for any reason at all, even if that reason is nothing more than, "Do you know what? I can't be arsed!"

Fellran · 30/10/2024 16:01

MarkWithaC · 30/10/2024 15:21

'I was caught off guard the other day and actually this isn't going to work for me. Night!' breezily, as you'e going out the door.

Show quote history

Tbh, if this leaves someone without a means of getting home safely, I think it should be done in advance, not when everyone's piling into their cars and leaving.

OP, can you just text them/the group leader? They'll need some warning since they think's all sorted!

Daisymay6 · 30/10/2024 16:17

Put it firmly back in the lap of the person who asked you .
Notice ,that the person who asked you , didn't offer to go out of their way themselves...but quite happy to put you on the spot .
Rude

BabyCloud · 30/10/2024 16:29

everlyevers · 30/10/2024 14:51

It's probably 15/20 minutes walk to the club, i don't walk because it's always dark and i'd have to cut through a forest. We all leave at the same time and see each other getting in cars so i couldn't lie about that.

I am so glad a-lot of people agree that this is unreasonable, i did wonder if i was just being lazy.

I like the idea of just saying on second thoughts this doesn't work for me, or similar. Just need to be brave enough now!

This is all you have to say. Sooner rather than later though.

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2024 17:05

Can you walk there in a way that doesn't take you through woods? How long would that take?

Shinyandnew1 · 30/10/2024 17:05

Daisymay6 · 30/10/2024 16:17

Put it firmly back in the lap of the person who asked you .
Notice ,that the person who asked you , didn't offer to go out of their way themselves...but quite happy to put you on the spot .
Rude

Agree!

Message that person back and make it clear they put you on the spot and it’s not something you can commit to.

BabyCloud · 30/10/2024 17:09

Why are so many people still trying to encourage OP to walk?

It’s likely to be late into the evening, pitch black and with god knows what weather. I would be walking nowhere because a grown ass adult can’t sort themselves out.

GhosterPoster · 30/10/2024 17:10

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2024 17:05

Can you walk there in a way that doesn't take you through woods? How long would that take?

OP, You don’t have to walk.

Just tell the CF you can’t do it.

You don’t have to make any changes to your life.

Hadalifeonce · 30/10/2024 17:11

Just say, you have realised it's really not doable, as you would have to drive past you house, so taking you far out of your way.

GreyCarpet · 30/10/2024 17:13

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2024 17:05

Can you walk there in a way that doesn't take you through woods? How long would that take?

Seriously?

Is that seriously a serious question you actually want the OP to answer?

Seriously?

Do you want her to wear a hair shirt and perform self flagellation while she does it?

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