To think the term 'childfree' is as bad as 'childless'

[JemimaWithTheStripeyTights]

I totally understand why somebody would prefer not to describe themselves as 'childless'. The -less has connotations of something missing, of being somehow inferior or lacking when compared with people with children. It makes 'having children' the default, and 'not having children' abnormal. I get it.

But something about 'childfree' really grates with me. The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden, or as if they're something to be escaped from at all costs. Basically, I think it sounds as much like a smug value judgement as 'childless' is a thoughtless one.

Not sure what the alternative would be, but how about 'nonparent'? It needs to be a word that's totally neutral about whether having kids is a good or bad thing.

Yes. As lots of us have mentioned.

If I say I’m childfree then childless women can decide weather to share with me or not. Also people won’t give me ‘advice’ I don’t need.

Some childless women say they’re childfree so they don’t get the ‘advice’ which can be very upsetting.

Honestly I don’t really care so no, not objectionable or even particularly interesting. I’m intrigued by the change in perception and follow on questions that are the result of these vocab tweaks. It’s not my experience but I’m interested in others experience and how they feel.

People often make comments or ask questions assuming you have children. If you reply that you don't have them, you see their faces drop as if they've made an enormous gaffe, and it's awkward. If you say you are 'childfree' you don't get that awkwardness because the implication is you are happy with the situation.

Fascinating how provoked some (not most) parents seem to be by people who are happy not to have children.

As used by the average childfree person, this is not a slight on children or parents. It’s about that person being happy about their choices. If you don’t want to be a parent, then being ‘free’ of everything that entails is good. Why should anyone lie about or hide it? Yes, there are unpleasant online enclaves where maladjusted individuals post hateful things about parents and kids - as far as I can see, they have no influence over anything or anyone. So who cares what they think?

How thin-skinned do you have to be to be offended by this word?

Honestly reading posts like yours and the other nutter on here makes me want to use childfree even more just to infuriate you because your reasoning is so ridiculous it’s funny. I might graduate to “anti-child” if I ever meet anyone like you in real life.

Agree with this. I'm happily childfree.

I don’t think it’s a question of being offended more of understanding what baggage you are attaching to the word. I would not assume someone using childfree was “happy with the situation and didn’t want to talk about it”, my instant reaction would be, what an odd word to choose are they American or from somewhere outside the uk. It’s particularly interesting that it, according to pp, shapes response and how the conversation develops.

Can we add the patronising 'there's still time to/ I bet you change your mind', please. I got that too much in my 20s and 30s, sometimes accompanied by 'but you'd be a great mum'. What about me just saying, 'no I won't change my mind, it's really not something I want' made you think that I would make a great mum!

Have a look back through the thread - this has all been discussed in some detail.

Lets also add in the...'you never know a love (or happiness) like this until you have had a child'

Having children for no reason other than grimly ‘pitching in’ - what a great idea.

Since it very clearly isn’t, what’s the harm in people acknowledging that they are content in not having kids?

I’m failing to see what the harm is in this word other than hurt feelings on the part of some parents who would like the notion that you can be happy lifestyle without raising children to be taboo.

Agree. If you ( general you) draw any negative connotations from the word childfree, that’s on you and not the person using it.

I think childless and childfree are unusual words to use among my acquaintance, in that I’ve never heard anyone use them. I wouldn’t “get the message” that people assume they are sending, but having said that I wouldn’t feel offended (or progress to be offensive myself) whichever word was used.

It feels slightly passive aggressive I guess. Most people without children have probably felt hurt/shamed at the some point by the weight of societal expectations (I know I have, by deciding to have only one child) and may feel defensive about it - lots of posts on this thread suggest that.
So to me the term ‘childfree’ sounds like it’s been invented as a bit of a general two fingers up from them to all parents, including those of us who really don’t give a shit how many children other people have.

It’s a bit like me referring to myself as multiple-child free, or second-child free. I love my life with one child and wouldn’t have it any other way, personally I think my quality of life would be severely diminished by having more kids. But to use those terms would be totally ridiculous and would sound like I’m being patronising to my friends and family who have multiples, especially at times when they’re finding it tough.

Yes, I do.

That’s fine, I don’t require you to. What you personally think of it isn’t my problem.

To safely avoid any implications of it being normal/abnormal/sad/tragic/fortunate/superior to be an adult without children, we'd need a different word altogether, just as 'Lesbian' doesn't mean not-straight and 'child' doesn't mean 'not-adult'; they are things in themselves.
The fact is that we humans, in common with other mammals, often reproduce as a natural part of our life cycle, has meant that we refer to adults who haven't produced children as being without something.
I don't know what the new word could be, but until it appears I prefer 'adults who haven't had children' to either -free or -less.

Ermm children are a huge obligation and tbh quite a burden - even if planned and you enjoy parenting !
It's not like you can always enjoy a nice lie in and bugger off on holiday whenever you fancy.

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo I wish there were a better word for it too! I just had a Google and went down a bit of a rabbit hole. I found out that the Russian word for childless means “without incumbrance” 😀

Ha! A nice neutral expression if ever there was one!

I don’t know that I’ve ever heard people without children crowing about it. I have heard parents crowing about how they are selflessly forcing themselves to have children to keep society going. They didn’t want to do it but they put their shoulders to the wheel and took one for the team.

@LePetitMaman obviously you do care, or you wouldn't give two hoots about what term somebody else chooses to use.

And saying that people don't care in general completely ignores the lived experience of those of us without children. Upthread people have listed the type of comments we have had. Do you think we are making it up?

Now, not only do we have to listen to other people's opinions on why we haven't got children, we also have to defend what sodding word we use to describe it.

Men don't get any of this. My husband never even gets asked if he has children, nevermind the inevitable 'why not?'. I couldn't even tell you the amount of times I get asked about it.

So, since I am the one without children and I am the one being asked about it, how about letting me answer it using a term I am.happy with. It makes eff all difference to you, does it? If you are offended, that's your choice.

Yes, mumsnet hasn’t attracted a substantial and diverse user base because it’s one of the largest English language forums centered on women, it’s because we at the NWO headquarters decided to make it the focal point of the great anti-child conspiracy.

Can’t believe you rumbled us. Will have to bring up the need for greater subtlety at the next team meeting.

I think childless connotes someone who wanted children and hasn't been able to, or has lost a child.

Child free connotes a choice not to have children or your kids going away for the weekend. So a single parent who has their kids EOW I'd consider to be child free EOW.

My husband has only ever received positive, congratulatory and nice comments about us not having children from both men and women. Meanwhile I’ve literally been asked why I bother to keep living and told my husband will leave me when he meets a real woman.

Meanwhile I’ve literally been asked why I bother to keep living and told my husband will leave me when he meets a real woman.

I've had similar in the past. "I don't understand why he bothers with you, a real woman would give him children."

GTFO with the Handmaiden shit.