To think the term 'childfree' is as bad as 'childless'

[JemimaWithTheStripeyTights]

I totally understand why somebody would prefer not to describe themselves as 'childless'. The -less has connotations of something missing, of being somehow inferior or lacking when compared with people with children. It makes 'having children' the default, and 'not having children' abnormal. I get it.

But something about 'childfree' really grates with me. The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden, or as if they're something to be escaped from at all costs. Basically, I think it sounds as much like a smug value judgement as 'childless' is a thoughtless one.

Not sure what the alternative would be, but how about 'nonparent'? It needs to be a word that's totally neutral about whether having kids is a good or bad thing.

Same. I've also had female friends offer to be my surrogate. My fertility is just fine thanks, we just need sperm.

We did get a couple of his friends offer to provide sperm for a turkey baster 😂 but we couldn't get to grips with the legal issues that brings so it went by the wayside. One did offer to wine and dine me before taking to another room to provide his sample 😂

Other things people say when you tell them you don't have children: -
"Oh your poor parents. Aren't they upset they'll never be grandparents?"
"Perhaps you're just not with the right man. If you met the one you'd want children"
"I see, you're one of those career women are you?"

I just came on to say i just say i don't have kids. I don't need a word to describe it.
I don't owe anyone an explanation
The people who matter know why
The people who don't know.... they don't know because they don't know me well enough to share that info so i don't really care what they think.

After finding out I don’t have children someone once said to me ‘that’s the problem with women these days, all they care about is having a career’ I said ‘I wouldn't know anything about having a career, I retired at 25, but good for women who have a career they love’ and he was NOT happy.

"Your willingness to pitch in and raise the next generation of human beings."

God, some people live in a little bubble of their own ignorance. Going about their days quoting by rote the nonsense they've been fed since birth without ever troubling themselves with a bit of critical thinking.

My loving, wonderful aunt wanted children but didn't have them because she was too busy devoting her life to caring for her elderly, unwell parents to meet a man during her childbearing years.

She did her bit by "pitching in" with the previous generation of human beings.

I am child free and I will happily shout it from the roof tops, I can choose how to describe myself thank you very much.

How about “happy”. Choice made and understood, either personally or with a partner. Never once when I think of myself as child free do I feel flawed, selfish or not pulling my weight (whatever crazy interpretation of this you might have.)

I wanted a career, to progress through a job that I loved, plenty of money and time to enjoy my chosen hobbies, lots of holidays. But in the meantime, at work my task was to give lifesaving skills, fun, enjoyment, help children who were very good at sport, ensure those with any special needs could access sports, support underprivileged communities, and give a helping hand to youngsters just starting out in their careers. I was surrounded by children most of my working life. So hoping this meets your “weight pulling” criteria as much as changing a bloody nappy does.

I am saying the opposite. People who call themselves “child free”, if they don’t have children, are making themselves sound flawed, selfish and like they are not pulling their weight.

This is such a wild interpretation to me. I'm human and, therefore, flawed. But it isn't because I haven't grown another human being. Margaret Atwood was so on the money. It's a bit scary.

I am saying the opposite. People who call themselves “child free”, if they don’t have children, are making themselves sound flawed, selfish and like they are not pulling their weight. If they called themselves something else, it wouldn’t have those connotations.

In your opinion. However, most people - including childfree people, don't really give a shiny shit what you think and we will continue to describe ourselves how we choose.

HTH

Ok so you dont like the norm but no alternative very snowflakey mn post lol

What word would you prefer we use then, rather than the one that we all feel sums up our situation quite efficiently? Because I'm not a huge fan of sounding selfish and flawed, even to strangely judgemental bitches. What word sums up a happy 'not for me thanks' attitude to having kids better than childfree?

Off to pop out a child that I don't want so I can say I'm Pulling My Weight. What could possibly go wrong.

People who call themselves “child free”, if they don’t have children, are making themselves sound flawed, selfish and like they are not pulling their weight. If they called themselves something else, it wouldn’t have those connotations.

Are non-parents acceptable if they hide their status out of shame or adopt a sackcloth and ashes demeanour? Is it ok to choose not to have a child if you make a show of being miserable and regretful? I mean, those childfree wretches aren’t ‘pulling their weight’ or ‘pitching in’ either way, but you seem to be mostly bothered about how they portray themselves.

Those types of people need to keep up the illusion that having a child is the most important purpose they have, that they never knew a love like this and those who don't can't nor can those who don't be happy. They need it to help them get through the relentlessness they sometimes go through in bringing up a child. By making themselves feel more superior

Well, some of the shit being spouted led me to post it. That's generally how these things work. People put stuff and it is read by others who form opinions on the meaning of what is being said.

Did you think your response was clever? Kind of like the pathetic "did you mean to be so rude" often suggested?

That's embarrassing for you.

I guess it depends on context. I have never heard anyone use the term childfree in real life. On this thread there are clearly good - and some heartbreaking - reasons for using it. I have no problem with that.

However any other time I have seen "childfree" used online, including news articles, social media and comment threads, it is in a way that clearly denigrates children as a group and seeks to humiliate / harm / exclude them for daring to exist, rather than describing the specific children you choose not to have. And that's the internet for you, a breeding ground of assholery in general. But I suspect that's where a large amount of the distaste for the term originates.

I would be interested to read this usage in news articles - do you have any examples?

There's a high probability of intentional goadiness on SM and comments! It's likely people using it in the way you suggest are doing so with the sole intention of starting an argument.

Misery likes company!

I’ve met plenty of similar people who seem to find my choices and lifestyle unacceptable to them and try desperately to get me to change my mind or encourage me to have a child I don’t want in order to suit them.

My sister was also obsessed with trying to get me and my partner to have babies. She has called us selfish, told me I’m unnatural and unfulfilled, said I’ll regret it one day and when I ignored these comments she’d start to show pity and say we must be covering up the fact we are unable to have children and must be putting on a brave face.

She seems to forget the times she’s commented on envying our freedom and repeatedly said she wished she’d known how hard it was to be a parent and if she could go back she would probably have not had any kids.

The majority of my friends have complained at some point about the negative points of having kids and told me I’ve made the right choice. I have heard multiple times that people have had kids as it was expected of them or just because it’s “what you are meant to do” it’s as though they were just following a template for life rather then doing what they actually wanted and following their dreams and desires.

In my experience when asked if you have kids answering no is not an acceptable response most of the time. They want an explanation or answers or I’m forced to defend my choice. I get told I’ll regret it or change my mind, told I’ll be lonely in old age, I’m failing my duties as a woman and just trying to be controversial or covering up our inability to conceive and offered fertility advice or told we could foster or adopt.
It seems impossible for people to just accept that we are happy and fulfilled as we are.

Sometimes I feel forced to give a more detailed answer that both me and DP are neurodivergent and don’t want to pass that on to a child when we’ve found life challenging.
Or the fact we actually don’t really like children and struggle to be around them, especially with the noise, demands and sensory overload.
That we like a quiet,tidy orderly house and the ability to have a long lie in or book a spontaneous trip away.
We enjoy the ability to focus on each other and don’t want our own wants and desires to come second to a child’s needs, we want to spend our money on ourselves - on nights out, holidays, trips to expensive restaurants where we can relax and not worry about entertaining a child or paying for a babysitter. We can stay out late and spend the next day in bed!

I use the term “childfree” as it describes MY situation perfectly. I’m not childless as that term insinuates that my life is lacking from not having children when I see it as a blessing that we didn’t follow the herd and end up raising them and resenting it.

I think it’s ridiculous anyone else chooses to get offended to how I refer to my own situation. If they are happy with their own choices and love their kids and being a parent then why are they bothering about how other people live their lives? It seems conceited to me to want to police other people’s language because they feel it insinuates that our perspective of being childfree means that we see their children as a negative aspect and find that offensive as means we don’t see their child as important and as much of a blessing as they do.
I feel they see it that we wish to be free from their kids instead of wanting freedom from not having our own.

There are a lot of self centred entitled people that seem to believe that their children should be the centre of everyone’s world and think if I call myself childfree then this is directly aimed at them and my desire to be free from any interest or responsibility to their child. I see it in the parents who want me to find it cute when their kids are running round unsupervised screaming, give up my seat on a plane for them to sit with their kids without them booking their own, keep an eye on their kids whilst they chat to other parents, tolerate their phones or tablets on full volume, let them have first pick of annual leave for Christmas and school holidays etc…

The majority on this thread don’t see to be like this and are happy to respect other people’s terminology and decisions and have no issue using the term “child free” and aren’t offended by it as they don’t assume everything in life is aimed at them and has to involve their opinion. The people who are bothered about terminology used by a demographic that excludes them need to realise that its people like them that create a divide of “us and them” between childfree people and parents. If they change their attitude then it might unite people more and stop people having to justify their choices to people it doesn’t affect!

Well I'm not going to go back through my reading history over the last decade for you, no. Just like I'm not going to go hunting out islamophobia I've read over the years either. Or that article 15 years ago talking about the rise in far right white supremacist groups across Europe. Doesn't mean it doesn't exist. You can Google and mess up your own algorithm.

I can tell you it's likely to be local, and yes goady and a pile on. But like I said earlier, I see the results of kids beaten for petty reasons like being annoying, too loud, in the way, nuisance etc. I don't think most people who use childfree are doing or will do this to kids, but my personal choice is not to contribute to a societal attitude that sees kids as anything less than worth protecting.

my personal choice is not to contribute to a societal attitude that sees kids as anything less than worth protecting.

But why does a person calling themself childfree mean they see kids as not worthy of protection?

Even if I take you at face value that debates about say childfree airlines (because you can’t have a childless airline, it’s always childfree) tend to involve people - including parents, by the way - saying that they’d prefer not to go on a 10 hour flight with babies and toddlers… what does that have to do with childfree people? The world isn’t divided into people who have kids, love them and welcome them everywhere and the childfree who hate kids and want to dropkick them all into the sun. Plenty of parents also like the idea of childfree spaces. Are they contributing to the attitude that children aren’t protecting? If not, why not?

I realise that this line of thought has little logical basis but I literally cannot fathom how someone can keep slyly insisting that childfree women are contributing to child abuse, whilst also insisting that nobody cares about whether or not women have kids.

I think people can use whatever word they want to describe themselves, whether that be child free or childless.

It’s bad enough the questioning, patronising and judgment we already receive as women for not having children, but now we have to be careful what word we use to describe ourselves incase it offends women who have chosen to become a parent.

You chose to have children, that was a choice you made. Not everyone is jealous of you or “being smug”. Such a sad way of thinking….

Having children is an obligation though. Unless you're neglecting them!

It needs to be whatever the fuck those of us who don't have children want it to be.

Being childfree is usually a choice (as opposed to childless) and it is liberating. Not everyone thinks children are something to aspire to have, and the idea of being a parent is horrific.

It only comes across that way to incredibly stupid people.

But like I said earlier, I see the results of kids beaten for petty reasons like being annoying, too loud, in the way, nuisance etc. I don't think most people who use childfree are doing or will do this to kids, but my personal choice is not to contribute to a societal attitude that sees kids as anything less than worth protecting.

This is nuts. But not the first time I’ve seen this on here. Stories about kids getting beaten and abused tend to feature parents and step-parents. I honestly cannot recall one that featured an individual who described themselves as childfree. Perhaps you live in a parallel universe where children are frequently the victims of beatings from self-described childfree people they’ve annoyed? Because it’s not s phenomenon I recognise.

Do you realise how incredibly insulting it is to suggest that someone who doesn’t want to parent a child enjoys or is even involved in children being hurt? Still, big of you to say you don’t think most of us are going around beating children.

FFS. You can see quite clearly with some posters how women who were different ended up being persecuted as witches in the past.

Do you realise how incredibly insulting it is to suggest that someone who doesn’t want to parent a child enjoys or is even involved in children being hurt? Still, big of you to say you don’t think most of us are going around beating children.

Exactly this! It's fucking wild.