To think the term 'childfree' is as bad as 'childless'

[JemimaWithTheStripeyTights]

I totally understand why somebody would prefer not to describe themselves as 'childless'. The -less has connotations of something missing, of being somehow inferior or lacking when compared with people with children. It makes 'having children' the default, and 'not having children' abnormal. I get it.

But something about 'childfree' really grates with me. The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden, or as if they're something to be escaped from at all costs. Basically, I think it sounds as much like a smug value judgement as 'childless' is a thoughtless one.

Not sure what the alternative would be, but how about 'nonparent'? It needs to be a word that's totally neutral about whether having kids is a good or bad thing.

I don't think your argument makes sense. I freely admit that, if I had been misguided enough to have children, they'd probably have been removed from my by social services. I don't mean that I'd have deliberately hurt them, but my mental health issues would make it impossible not to neglect them in the same way I sometimes neglect myself. Children would be a negative thing for me, and even more of a negative for the children themselves - I don't see anything wrong in acknowledging that. It doesn't mean I think others who want them shouldn't have them.

I think childfree is fine, it says it all, if you see kids as a burden and obligation (which they bloody well are sometimes) then yeah you would consider yourself free for not having them. Don’t think people should feel bad about not wanting kids and being relieved and happy they don’t have them. My SIL is very happily childfree, she’s lovely to my DC but she just doesn’t want any (probably relieved when we leave) and is very happy with her life. Nothing wrong with that.

I have nothing to do with kids day-to-day and that’s fine with me, none of the family kids live nearby & my friends mainly have older / adult kids (I think).

I’m currently working on a blanket for my cousin’s next baby though, plus a quarter-size version for the baby’s big sister so that when Mum’s wrapping the baby up, she can wrap her teddy up too. Cousin is happy so I’m happy for her, because I can see that while kids would be a burden to me they’re a joy to her.

Who's smirking? Who's crowing? I have never experienced anyone with no children doing either, or lording it over me as is being suggested on this thread.

If you feel that taking responsibility for another human being 24 hours a day, physically, emotionally and mentally for at least 18 years, but lets face it, for the rest of your life, is not a burden or a bind on some level then good for you, your medal will be waiting for you with St Peter when you meet him.

If you have weighed up your options and decided that children are not for you, or, as in the case of my sister who does not have children and feels a world of pain about the fact, you can self describe your choice/situation as you like and nobody needs to lose their hair about it because, parents, this one is not about you.

Yea I'd only double down on that joys of being childfree with a parent if that parent started saying "but aren't you missing out/who will look after you in old age" etc.

Ie I'd be a dick and talk about burdens if they were being a dick first and pitying my life.

I tend to assume most people who have kids enjoy it overall (or convince themselves they enjoy it) so they don't see it as a burden. It would be to me. Same as looking after a big dog.
But not a cat. Cats aren't a burden so much!

There’s nothing about being childfree that there is to be smug or crow about to parents who love being parents because what we have isn’t what those parents want. Alternatively parents can’t be smug and crow because they haven’t got anything childfree people want.

The only way either group could be smug and crowing is if I went into spaces for regretful parents to talk about how great my life is without children, or if parents went into spaces for childless women to talk about how amazing it is to have children and what kind of people would ever do that!

I am so happy for my friends who love being parents and are great parents, they’re happy for me that I don’t want children and live in a time and place where that is possible. No one is crowing!

Maybe people who do have children and are currently feeling a bit fed up with them could describe themselves as child-ridden.

This is exactly how it sounds to me. Crowing about the exclusion of a vulnerable group.

If you think being a custodian to the next generation of people is too burdensome for you, it’s not a positive trait imo.

I don’t understand what you mean, are you saying that because women choose not to have children they’re excluding a vulnerable group?

Self awareness is a very positive trait.

Crowing? Where's the crowing? I don't get it. What would be better for you? How could this be less upsetting and offensive for you?

It’s not a positive trait, no, it’s a completely neutral trait. Like having children. It’s neither positive nor negative.

if you wouldn't be happy to say "immigrant-free" or "Jamaican-free" or "disabled-free"

It's a ridiculous comparison because there is no default responsibility for immigrants, Jamaicans or disabled people who might be in your life, so you are not 'free' of anything by their absence or burdened by their presence.

Think about this for a minute.

Custodian to the next generation of people.

What could be less fucking burdensome, if one was to actually stop and think about the weight that carries, and how you could possibly do it without fucking it up?!

No, she's saying by saying you are "free", it sounds like crowing about the exclusion of a vulnerable group.

Referring to being “child-free” comes across in the same way it would come across if you said you are “disabled-people-free” if you consciously chose a life without disabled people in it, or “immigrant-free” if you consciously chose a life without immigrants in it, because it’s just ‘too burdensome for you’.

What are they being excluded from?

Thank you.

But there’s no expectations for me to have at least one disabled person in my life who I care for so it wouldn’t make sense to say that.

That's not quite the way to phrase it, is it.

Your willingness to pitch in and raise the next generation of human beings.

Who is excluding the children? And from where? Or what? Other than the homes of people that choose not to have them. I don't get it.

What is then?

You seem very confused. Childfree people often have children in their lives — nephews, nieces, friends’ children, neighbours, children they teach or treat or work with. They just didn’t give birth to any of them, by choice.

Unless you e given birth to the immigrants or disabled people you’re making a confused and specious comparison with, there’s absolutely no comparison.