To think the term 'childfree' is as bad as 'childless'

[JemimaWithTheStripeyTights]

I totally understand why somebody would prefer not to describe themselves as 'childless'. The -less has connotations of something missing, of being somehow inferior or lacking when compared with people with children. It makes 'having children' the default, and 'not having children' abnormal. I get it.

But something about 'childfree' really grates with me. The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden, or as if they're something to be escaped from at all costs. Basically, I think it sounds as much like a smug value judgement as 'childless' is a thoughtless one.

Not sure what the alternative would be, but how about 'nonparent'? It needs to be a word that's totally neutral about whether having kids is a good or bad thing.

It’s not a joy for everyone though, and having children is akin to having a ball and chain for those that don’t want them.

Children would be an unwanted burden to me. That doesn’t mean I believe they are for those that want them 🤷🏻‍♀️

I tend to mind my own business unless someone out right asks "do they have kids?"

Being a parent is not for everyone. I'm pleased people are finally starting to grasp that.

Let me put it this way - if you wouldn't be happy to say "immigrant-free" or "Jamaican-free" or "disabled-free" you probably shouldn't be using that construction for any other group of people either. Including the group of people who are dependent because they are not yet adults.

So people who don’t want children of their own are effectively discriminating against children as a whole if they call themselves childfree? That is just howlingly bonkers.

Or people can continue to use whatever terms they want to about themselves.

I mean, I am immigrant-free, Jamaican-free and disabled-free as well as being childfree, because I haven’t given birth to any immigrants, Jamaicans, disabled people, or children. People saying they are childfree is a self-descriptor, not an ideological mantra for the country, it’s a daft comparison.

@Waterboatlass has hit the nail on the thread here and very succinct too. It is that simple

The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden, or as if they're something to be escaped from at all costs.

That's exactly what it is intended to imply though for those of us who have chosen that path. I've chosen, proactively, to be childfree. For me it is something to be escaped at all costs as for me it would be a way of life I'd hate. It comes with no judgement about parents though - they just made a different choice to me, same as people who live in the country, eat licorice or who enjoy skydiving have.

I love kids. My niblings are excellent, my friends kids are hilarious company, but it's definitely not something I want personally.

That's not what I said at all. It's nothing to do with people wanting or not wanting children. It's about what the words mean.

Why do those other terms sound bad? It's because that's not how you talk about people. Even people who are a burden, like your elderly mum with heart failure, or your disabled sister.

There are a lot of people who think of children as possessions or a commodity. They aren't, they are people and no one should have to hear people talking about them as if the existence of that group of people is undesirable.

All you have to do is say "I don't have kids," instead.

They aren't, they are people and no one should have to hear people talking about them as if the existence of that group of people is undesirable

Those who describe themselves as childfree are giving a name to themselves. They may or may not see children as a group or as individuals as undesirable. It's no-one's business but theirs.

If taking on any of the above groups was a societal norm, and oftentimes expectation, in the way that having children is, and ‘do you have any disabled?’ was a question commonly asked, then I imagine ‘disabledfree’ would find its way into the vernacular ( to differentiate from the disabledless, presumably) as a perfectly acceptable way to describe oneself.

I've known two women who transitioned from thinking of themselves as childless to childfree as a way to come to turns with nature/circumstances not turning out as they had hoped and moving on. I really can't understand why anyone would think they have a say in this, or want to take a way a term that brings comfort but making it something it isn't. And non-parent is a shit alternative.

People who are not white are in the majority throughout the world.

Gay people are in a very small minority in all cultures and as such, yes, they are abnormal.

I wouldn't use the word abnormal to describe them though as it comes with other connotations and to some ears means "problematic".

But strictly speaking they are indeed part of a small, abnormal pattern in humanity.

Abnormal: : deviating from the normal or average person.

Child free implies a choice
Childless implies no choice

Exactly. I don’t have children because I absolutely do not want that obligation - as I see it. So yes, I am free from burden and therefore happily describe myself as child free.

It’s as though wanting, becoming, and enjoying being a mum or a parent, should be a shameful experience, going by so many vile posts.

I visited Mumsnet because in its website explanation, it says it is about parents pooling knowledge together. I have a child and shock and horror, enjoy being a mum and sometimes, like to see if other mums think or have similar experiences to me.

Lately, there have been excessive threads and posts, insulting people who have children.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. This sums it up perfectly.

The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children

Hallelu! It implies exactly that. It expresses exactly that.

Yet another one post 'talking point' OP...

Link them.

It's very simple.

It is tl differentiate between a choice and not a choice. Childfree, childless. Different issues, outlook etc.
I mean, it's really not some complex thing to grasp. 🤷

If parents find it offensive and deregatory to parents, a status that IS a default in life btw, that is simply their derangment. Really.

Not that I will make sure to tag few of you on any thread where parent says they will have childfree weekend and so on, so you can witchunt people using the deregatory term tp eliminate it😉 Happy to help

I think the term childfree is gross, and often - not always, obviously, but often - goes along with terms like brats and derogatory attitudes toward children in general.

I admit I may be biased, I see a lot of child abuse in my line of work. While those parents undoubtedly should not have had children, or not gotten together with partners other than their kids dad (perps are often step parents or boyfriends), by and large the idea of children as a nuisance and a burden just hits different when you see some of the results of attitudes like that. Including torture, non-accidental deaths and homicides of children.

I'm with the poster who says if you wouldn't say "xyz-free" you shouldn't use it when it comes to children. The "free" part connotes a negative inherent in the idea of a child, and children are some of our most vulnerable members of society.

So saying “I don’t want kids” is unacceptable? You can only say you don’t have them?

I do not have children.

I am 46 and single. It absolutely breaks my heart that I didn't get that chapter in my life. It's not like "this year we can't afford a holiday so we're staying home and maybe next year" or "I'm in a job I hate but I'm saving up to retrain and when I do I'm find something better".....this is not temporary, it will be my life forever. It has affected me deeply, I've had counselling to deal with this and come to terms with it. I am past the daily crying. I am past having to turn away when I see babies in prams, or avoiding baby showers, or temporarily blocking friends who over-share baby photos. Its still hard though and always will be. I'll always wish I had children.

I have 100% had to teach myself, through gritted teeth, to see the plus points about not having children. I enjoy my life and appreciate that I benefit from freedom that parents don't. I did not choose my life, but I'm still going to make damn sure I enjoy it. I would now much prefer to refer to my situation as "child-free", just because it connotates that positive spin that makes me feel every so slightly less shitty about missing out on children.

As I like being on Mumsnet and would like not to get banned I will refrain from saying exactly what I think about you and your patronising assumptive "nonparent" label. I will just politely say it both offends and enrages me.

This thread is bonkers and has got worse since my original comment. Never have I ever had to use the term child free or childless anywhere other than on here. I don't like either term as well as they seem very much a choice and a non choice. It's more complicated than that for some people.

If I am asked I say I don't have them, if I'm probed I say they just never happened because that's the truth. I don't hate children, I don't think they're a burden (no matter what some people think and I've had people take children away from me because they assume I hate children because I don't have them). In fact I had always been the one everyone thought would have children, I had the dream of children and the happy married life with parties in the garden. It just wasn't meant to be.

I left it too late and I married an abusive narcissist so subconsciously took the decision I wasn't going to let a child have him for a father, by the time I plucked up the courage to leave I was 40. I had a scare when I was 44 and I would have taken whatever happened (and I know the guy would have stepped up).

Here's a thought: don't ask people you're not close to if they have kids. It's none of your business really, and if they do (and want you to know!) it very often organically comes up in conversation anyway.

Most people I know (including me) use childfree as a term to try and stop the follow up questions. I don't know anyone who wears it as any kind of badge of honour/personality trait, and I don't know anyone who uses it outside of the context where they're being asked directly. Sure, some childfree people are weird about it (breeders etc) but they're just, well, assholes. The majority of people without kids (in my experience) just don't want to talk about it!