Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

And nether does the friend .

Absolutely fuck no to a baby at a hen do

it would be a shame for you both if you can’t come but when you have a baby you are signing yourself up to a life of making sacrifices for the sake of your kids. You just have to accept you can’t always do everything in the way you want any more

a child and a 3 month baby are different things. I went to plenty of places where people didn't even notice I had a 3 month old with me. I stopped as soon as he learned to crawl.
I am telling the bride-to-be to trust her friend will be responsible.
I had an 11 hour flight years later when I had 2 kids where the lady behind me stood up to get off and said, "oh my goodness, I thought you only had 1 child!"

Friend isn’t BU in not wanting to leave baby.

Friend is BU in expecting baby to join any part of hen weekend.

Absolutely. Part of being a parent is understanding you can’t take your child everywhere and sometimes you have make a choice that you can’t actually attend something because it’s all about the adults.

Its tough but it’s a sacrifice we have to make

Erm, no, you don't just get to unilaterally decide that you can bring your child to an event that someone else is hosting, at which kids are not welcomed, just because of "mum instincts".

But it's the Op hen do she doesnt want the baby there ,why should she make exceptions?
Things change when you become a parent and most people don't expect the world to revolve around then and their baby.

Yes I understood the scenario, but you said "what is not fair is some babies being allowed but not others". I'm asking you to explain why you think that.

If she can’t come that was supposed to say 😂

obviously you should go to your own hen do haha

I am not unilaterally deciding anything. where did that level of aggression stem from in your soul?
the OP asked for some viewpoints. I gave mine.

the OP said she doesn't want any children. totally different to a 3 month old, hence why I gave my viewpoint.
If the baby is crawling, again totally different,

Hen do closer to the wedding? she may feel able to leave the little one then, but I guess another guest might be pregnant by then! Why is there such a gap between hen and wedding?

No it’s not different. Not wanting there to be children = adults only!

Its not complicated

On a lighter note, does anyone else get a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles earworm on reading the thread title?

My brain sings it as INFANT AT A HEN DO: TURTLE POWER!

Well clearly the Op beleives a 3 month old to be a child
And three month old babies can be extremely distracting ,some can cry for hours, maybe yours didn't, but they are all different.

No it’s not! There are 100 reasons why someone won’t want any children/babies/infants/whatever you want to say to be pernickety. And if it’s their wedding or hen then respect that or don’t go. It’s not about you. Simple as.

I think it's unreasonable to say that a tiny baby can't come to the afternoon events simply on the basis you feel that it would take away from the attention on you. It is very reasonable to say baby can't come to evening do.

Why don't you have the hen party a few weeks before your wedding?

Also it’s not just about this one person and the bride. There are going to be other people involved. I am of a similar age and out of 10 of us, 8 will have a dog/children other commitments to consider when going to a hen. there will likely be people going through fertility stuff looking forward to a weekend away with friends to relax and celebrate the bride, or someone who has really gone out of their way to make sure they can come

I would be SO pissed off if I’d arranged things with plenty of notice (I have small children and a husband with physical limitations so a lot of planning has to go into things) just for someone else to rock up with their baby because they feel like the exception

She has to learn a basic fact of motherhood, sometimes you have to miss out on the fun. I'd be absolutely livid if someone brought a baby to a hen. It's a one off and a very rare break from the daily grind.

Alternatively she could get her DH and baby to the same town and pop back to the room for feeds. Or she can pump for a few days in advance and then bring her pump to 'pump and dump' while there. These are her options, this her problem to find a resolution to and not anyone else's.

You know she will also try to find a way to bring baby to the wedding so be prepared.

It sounds like the friend has FOMO and is maybe insecure about her position in the friendship group. She seems to be trying to convince herself that moving to another country and having a baby won't change anything.

Once baby arrives she may not want to put them on a plane with her to get to whatever daytime activities are planned for the hen. There's not a lot of hen activities that are ideal for infants.

I think her expectations of herself, the hens and her baby are unrealistic and she'd be better off sitting this one out. She can have lots of time to celebrate with everyone at the wedding.

@owlexpress i don't know how I got Dubai out of Dublin?!

but anyway, for ME, it doesn't actually make it any different. I don't thin Hen parties are important. I think they're daft & pointless these days. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I went a hen party where there was a baby of similar age. It did change the mood of the party and shifted the focus from the bride to be to the new mum and baby. Unfortunately it was no longer the type of party the bride wanted for her hen do (she didn’t want a huge piss up but she did want a bit of celebration and silliness!).

can you do something a bit more chilled with her, baby and who ever wants to join a few days later and have your hen do as planned (without children)?

You’re not being unreasonable by saying no to baby at hen do but you also need to accept (happily) that she can’t come. Personally I wouldn’t leave my baby for the first year, let alone at 3 months, and you can’t expect her to. Regardless of EBF or not. If she chooses to leave baby that’s different as it is a personal decision for each mum but just don’t be upset or offended if she has to miss it.

Dublin barely counts as 'another country', it's only just over the water, it's not like travelling to Dubai!

@Tillow4ever

yes, that's already been pointed out!

unfortunately brain Fog is unfortunately leading to these kinds of mistakes, it's worrying, but I'm hoping it's just brain for & not something worse.

However, it doesn't change my
opinion. I think hen parties are unimportant & not something worth a lot of inconvenience & expense for an entire family 🤷🏻‍♀️