Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

I once went to a hen where someone brought their 7 year old DD along because she wanted to be "grown up" and have drinks with adults "like mummy". In reality, it turned into 3 hours of said 7 year old holding court to a bunch of grown women about school drama, her favourite TV shows etc. whilst her mum beamed at us all with pride.

Mum was made to take her DD home before the evening festivities started, and she was furious. It was a completely ridiculous situation.

I'd also suggest that babies are not compatible with fancy high teas. I've only been to two of them, both were really expensive and both were ruined by crying babies.

Despite what the other thread going would have us believe, it's actually OK for some events and spaces to be adults-only.

I think the fact she’s in Ireland changes everything, I agree with the person who suggested you just go to Dublin sometime after she has the baby and ye have a fun weekend together

A whole one hour away!

People are completely disregarding some points OP stated, she is not expecting her friend to leave the baby, she said she would completely understand if she couldn't attend and was surprised her friend even said yes to coming. And OP also said that her friend would feel left out if they did something separate, seems to me she doesn't realise you can't have the best of both worlds with a new baby or children. I'm pregnant now and I know for a fact my life is going to drastically change and that I won't be able to go and do the things I did before having kids. YANBU, but I actually think your friend is being slightly unreasonable and trying to make you feel bad by saying she would feel left out.

However, I do think the rule for the wedding might annoy a fair few people

YANBU to not want the baby’s at your hen do

Friend is NBU to not want to leave her baby.

I was still bleeding post delivery with my first daughter at 12W and could barely walk. I think you need to accept it’s unlikely she’s coming.

Nothing to do with me I was relating an experience. I have no problem with childfree weddings ( or anything else for that matter) but what is not fair is some babies being allowed but not others.

I didn't just say 'no I'm not coming'; because my friend loves me and wanted me to be able to be there and I wanted to make the effort to be there for her.
I do actually know that all my friends in our small close knit friendship group, love me & my child very much but regardless, at no point was my baby actually involved in the hen party, she didn't come into the restaurant for lunch or the location of the activity. The hen actually asked if she could meet the baby, otherwise nobody would have even seen her.
The poor host didn't have any issues getting dressed since my husband & baby were invited by her into the house when we were all happily enjoying her spacious living area.

How do you figure that out? Does that also mean it's unfair to invite some family members but not others, some friends but not others, some work colleagues but not the whole office? The bride and groom are hosting, they can choose who comes, adult, child or baby.

YANBU to tell her baby can’t come.

YABU to complain if she doesn’t come without the baby.

I would have gone out for at most 2 hours when mine were 3 months old - and would have been more comfortable with 1.5. However, others are comfortable leaving for much longer, it’s very personal and up to her.

I disagree. Whether a child is invited often depends on how close the parents are to the B&G. There are many weddings where our children have been invited yet other attendees were just the couple and vice versa. If leaving them is not possible or baby is too young to be left, we decline the invite.

💯 percent this.
A mewling baby is completely unsuitable for a Hen do
If she’s feeding it, it’s massively impractical.
Can’t see how it’s possible.

It wouldn't necessarily be "all about the baby". Babies that age generally tend to be pretty easygoing and portable (in the main). They still spend a lot of time asleep, or just sitting on their parent's lap. Things like afternoon tea/pub lunch etc. are generally perfectly fine for little babies to attend during the day, when things aren't very rowdy... I suppose it depends what the daytime activity is as to whether it's suitable or not.

Are posters just not reading the thread and msking up their own narrative?
The Op isn't complaining, she understands why her friend can't come
Its her friend that wants to come with baby changing the whole dynamic.

I would not leave DS in another country for a hen do. I also wouldn't take him to a hen do though. And I'm exclusively breastfeeding so even if I could express enough to last DP to feed DS I'd also have to pump regularly to keep my supply.

She essentially just can't come, it's simple.

I wouldn’t leave the baby if I were her, but equally I wouldn’t take them on a hen-do. Would she agree to an ‘adult friendly’ night out to celebrate her baby’s christening? It’s the same principle. The baby being present would take over the vibe and you don’t want that - the hen do is about you! Just tell her you don’t want to make it ‘baby friendly’, as much as you’d like her to be there. But also that you completely understand if this means she can’t come. If your friendship is that strong, you should both be fine with the fact that your individual circumstances just don’t match for this particular event.

This!!!👏

My SIL had a 3 month old baby at her hen party and I brought my dc who were 2 and 4 at the time too. It was a family friendly hen though, not a night out in bristol.

Agreed- if her husband lived in Bristol and could look after baby for a couple of hours it would be very different.
But Dublin?
Friend will need to be away for at least two nights-
Not practical.

Of course a baby doesn’t belong at a hen do.

Sorry but she has to understand it’s for adult women and either leave the baby with her partner/family or not attend. To expect child to be accommodated is very very very entitled.

Im stunned anyone thinks you’re being unreasonable

If you read my other post you’ll see it wasn’t the case

I organised everything. They had a fab time
i I opted in and out of what I could do (not much)

and my baby didn’t become the centre of attention.
youre extremely rude and presumptive 😂

trust her instincts as a mum. I took my 3 month old everywhere when I was a single parent. I knew when it was too loud / too late / not appropriate. If he cried I went elsewhere, but he was quite a tranquil baby.

There is no way I would fly to a different country and leave my 3m old with her dad.
Also I exclusively breastfed and at 3m you can’t just leave a baby with a husband for the evening, they still can feed at whatever time. My baby went with me wherever I went (granted, I didn’t have to attend a hen do)

It's Dublin not Dubai?

Even to somebody else's hen do when they.dont want children there?

Not my wedding or my baby, a story about an experience at a " childfree" except for a single baby wedding I attended.