Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

Why is it unreasonable to not want a baby to attend any party of the day ,again its a hen do not a mother and baby club. What about the other Hens?

OP literally said she does not expect her to come as she knows she will have a 3 month old...

When I got married, my dear friend was due about 1 month prior. She told me she was planning to come anyways. It was first baby for her, but I had a DD (2) so frankly, knew more about babies and postpartum. I told her how much I loved her and that I didn't expect her at anything as she lived 2 days' drive away or a plane ride. She kept insisting it'd be no big deal to bring a little baby (who was of course invited).

A few weeks after her baby was born, she called me up crying that she couldn't possibly imagine how she was going to drive there. I told her again and again that her missing my wedding was okay, that I had never expected her to make it.

The reality was she had NO idea what it was like to have a little one. Neither does your friend (or you, for that matter). She'll need to miss the hen do or do some kind of herculean maneuver by bringing DH, getting hotel nearby, not staying overnight w/ friends, and pumping a mess lot of milk. Sounds like hell to me.

The Op has accepted it its her friend that wants to come with the baby

@LozC0411 @x2boys thanks both, apologies I lost track of that when reading through the comments.

Simple as saying no not appropriate then.

Bride is entitled to have the hen do she wants, and if people can't make it, then that's fine. OP isn't being a Bridezilla about it, she's understanding about the circumstances. I've never been to a hen do that has to choose "baby friendly" activities, the friend is being totally unreasonable even suggesting that!!

Go ahead as planned, if she can't make it, then that's unfortunate. When she's able to come over, you could have an afternoon with a few of you, maybe an afternoon tea.

I've had a couple of events I've had to miss over the years due to having no childcare, as have others in my friend group. It's just life unfortunately.

As PPs said:

Babies do not belong at hendos. Unless it’s a specifically baby friendly hen-do, which would be rather rare.

But many mother‘s wouldn’t leave a 3 month old alone for an extended amount of time. And it would be impossible if the child is breastfed.

I‘d suggest you do something entirely different with your DF and or invite her over when the baby is a bit older.

She won't want to bring the baby to the hen do once she's had it and she relaxed how hard it is! Relax sweetie she's just full of hormones and naive 💕

She may not want to travel at all or she might enjoy a break away.

I think options are (a) she brings baby and attends during the day and then for a meal and then leaves you to it.

(b) her husband comes and looks after the baby but she meets him regularly (especially if she is breastfeeding).

it really depends what you are doing. Most of my hen do would have been fine for a baby to be at, but it really depends what you have planned/what you are envisaging. A 3 month old will likely be sleeping a lot.

What about the other hens? Why can't grown up women be around tiny babies for a few hours? You appear to be implying that babies belong exclusively at a "mother's and baby club". Why? Babies are people, why shouldn't they be part of the day to day life of their wider communities?

I just can't picture it. Why would anyone want to exclude a friend who they loved, someone who loves them enough to travel from Dublin with a baby for a hen do, from a daytime activity just because there will be a baby there too? Luckily my friends didn't take this attitude when DS was a tiny baby. I still got invited to brunch and daytime activities. I didn't get invited to clubs and restaurants like before, of course, but it's weird to exclude someone you love just because they will have a baby and you're worried the attention won't be on you.

You sound entitled imo. “ luckily my friends didn’t take this attitude when my son was tiny “

This is OP’s HEN DO.

People on here are crazy

Imagine if it was the other way round and OP was a male having a stag. Everyone would say no baby at stag do, it’s almost like woman are bridezilla just for wanting childless hen or wedding

I went to a hen do when my baby was about 4 months old. I pumped and froze a load of milk so I could stay overnight. I wouldn't have dreamed of taking him.

Yanbu to say no babies. But it's unlikely she'll come.

Also I’d never dream of expecting a best friend to change her hen do because I had a baby. As a bestfriend I’d want her to enjoy her day

Even if my friend said she’d change things to accommodate I couldn’t let her

My friend had her hen when I was 7 weeks pp, I said I couldn’t come not oh I’m breast feeding and don’t want to miss out so can me and DS both come. No way would I do this!

Because it’s an ADULT event

It’s not rocket science - kids have no place at a hen party for grown women.

Of course the attention should be on the bride - it’s her hen do not a child friendly day out

Again if shoe was on other foot and it was a stag I bet the comments wouldn’t say oh why can’t grown men be around a tiny baby on the stag.,, like duh!

Don't be ridiculous, I'm not implying babies and mums belong exclusively at mums and baby clubs ,but they certainly don't belong at hen do,s ,
Why should everything revolve around a baby???
I have had two babies of my own and whilst i adored my own babies ,I didn't want to be cooing around other people babies, at a specific child free event.

I can't believe I'm seeing people say what's wrong with babies going!! It's a hen do, women are allowed social, exciting events CHILD/ BABY/ TODDLER FREE. If you had or went to a hen do with kids or babies then good for you, but not everyone wants to do that

You are the centre of this event. Its YOUR hen do.

I have children but when there is an adult onlt thing then that is what it means!

Slightly derailing but my SIL when her child was small was in a very snazzy restaurant abroad. She was also stay at the hotel attached. She wanted to go into the Adults Only restaurant with her 1 year old who was in the buggy asleep. She was refused entry and then insisted on going around to the tables asking whether they had an issue with a sleeping child joining them for dinner...

Thing is when she told me I said what if DD had woken up just as your main arrived or starting crying and she said she would take them out (yeah right!) whilst disturbing everyone else and messing the staff around with food that was just about to be served.

Some people do think the world revolves around their child and everyone else must feel exactly the same too!!

Unless it also turns into a family weekend “away” for them so she can dip in and out of activities, I wouldn’t expect her to travel without the baby.

I have seen hen do’s include babies that are essentially a weekend in a cabin with hot tub and no going out drinking. I’ve also seen someone who took their baby with them to a spa day for their own hen do.

if you really want her to be at your hen, you could always have quick trip to Dublin for a second one!

I bet no man has ever be pressured into allowing another man to bring a baby/toddler to his stag do, and I suspect you wouldn’t ever expect a man to be ok with that either.

I don't think I sound entitled. Obviously it's the OP's choice. I'm just saying if my friend loved me enough to travel from Ireland for a couple of hours afternoon activity for my hen do, I would be flattered and happy. I wouldn't say no on the basis I can't spend time with babies on MY hen do. She has all the evening for adults only, a 3 month old baby doesn't get in the way of anything at all, they mostly just sleep and feed.

Any chance the hen date could be moved closer to the wedding? After 6 months the baby won't be exclusively breastfeeding and she may be more able to leave baby with her husband

🤣🤣🤣