Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

Why should Op change her hen do date for 1 friend because she’s had a baby

you lot are all mad sorry

This comment is just unhinged though

It is a shame but I really would encourage your friend to feel it is okay to say she can't make this one. Do something with her another time. You have a second MOH too, you'll be fine on your hen.

The fact she has to travel for this makes it so stressful with a 3-month old at home.

Why didn't you just say 'sorry can't make it'?

Your husband stayed in the hosts bedroom whilst your baby napped during pre drinks? Where did the host get ready? Do you really think that your fiends all adored your baby so much that they were overjoyed when you brought your baby to the hen do, your husband took over a room during pre drinks and then you left because you were tired?

I think she's wanting you to give her permission to miss it to be honest. I had to leave my 7 month old I was still breastfeeding for a full weekend for a hen for my sil and hated every second of it and couldn't really be myself. Three months is too young to be there or expect her to leave if she's not doing it willingly or is breastfeeding. Itl change the dynamics of the day and you won't enjoy it as much.

Have an afternoon tea with cheesy hen do games in the afternoon, and then go on to the raucous night out. She can come for the first bit with baby and then head home for the second bit.

My friend brought her 3 month old to my hen do. I didn't have kids at the time but obviously understood that an EBF baby couldn't be away from mum!
I wanted her there more than I wanted to exclude the baby. Baby came along to the afternoon tea we had, and then we did a splatter art session thing which baby slept in a buggy for. Then she headed back to the hotel and the rest of us went on the night out.

I don't think anyone would expect to bring a baby on the actual night out

If you're that upset and it's a struggle you don't go. That's the whole thing about having kids, you need to adjust your life around them. I've bowed out of hen parties, birthday parties, weddings because it didn't suit. I wouldn't expect people to cater their functions around me. I only had my kids and nieces/nephews plus one exception made for 6mth old belonging to bridal party. If I had let everyone bring under 1s there would have been 10+ babies, if it had been all kids ot would have easily been 20+ kids and that's not what I wanted for my wedding

You are a better friend than me!
I didn’t leave my baby for a hen do and I don’t think my friend understood why I didn’t.

As many others have said (and you fully understand), leaving the baby in another country is not an option. It is unfair of her to expect you to change what you plan for the hen to accommodate her.

A possible option which I did for SIL's hen (DH's sister) was that DH and I both went to the city of the hen and stayed in hotel together. DH did not get involved or come to any aspect of the hen but was there to watch baby so I could participate and then return if needed. Hotel was city centre so he took baby for walks while I was out. I had expressed some milk but wouldn't have managed to be away for 2 days and a night when I was EBF a 4 month old, it would have been a horrible experience all round. As you can probably tell, this worked because of the super close relationship we all have and overstepping boundaries was not a worry.

Agree with that. Op isn’t unreasonable for not having baby there but friend obviously doesn’t want to use childcare at 12 weeks old and of course her baby is more important that a hen!!

It's your hen party and I think she's being a bit selfish to expect you to cater it to a baby. Your friend needs to understand the occasion isn't about her and if she can't make it with she doesn't go. Does her family live in Bristol? If so could she not have the baby minded for a couple of hours

I will be honest - if she is a first time Mum she clearly has NO idea how inappropriate it is to suggest a family friendly do. This isnt about her and her baby.

As others say - have something seperate with her or maybe the timings of both events just clash. There isnt a 100% answer to this.

From your updates it sounds like she only wants to bring the baby to the day part and not the evening?

Depending on what the day thing is this might not be that crazy ...e.g. a baby at an afternoon tea (it would probably be sleeping in pram that inbetween feeds) ... however if that's not the sort of thing you wanted you are well within your rights to say no baby

You need to accept she can't come if she can't bring the baby.

If you feel more strongly about no baby than her coming then accept she isn't coming and do it gracefully without making her feel bad

Nonsense. I exclusively breastfed three kids and you can express enough for a night out.

I think you're right to say the baby can't come to the hen do, but she's not unreasonable to not want to leave a 3 month old baby at home. I'd assume she just doesn't want to come to the hen do any more but is trying to look like she did her best and feel less guilty for not being there.

I wouldn't have been willing to leave my baby for a weekend at that age, even though I wasn't breastfeeding. I'd have been zero fun as I'd have been worrying about them the whole time. And on a personal level, I wouldn't have had the stamina for a big night out at that point anyway, although I appreciate that's an individual thing.

Also if you were worried about it ending up all about the baby ...how about you suggest she come over a few days earlier and do a meet the baby lunch or coffee for all of your friends and then all that will be out of the way so the day time hen do is all.about you (as it should be)

The obviously only works if you are happy with certain day time activities

I had a 2 month old baby at my own hen do recently and it was fine. The mom was a great friend of mine and she was breastfeeding which I wanted to support and facilitate. She and her partner and the babe stayed in separate accommodation and her partner watched the baby much of the time but it was with us for parts as well, including in the pub.

I think 3 months is young to leave, especially your first born, in another country. If this woman is really important to you I think you can flex the Hen plans to be more accommodating. If you'd rather have an adult only hen that's absolutely fine, but I don't think you can insist she comes without her child.

Could she attend the day part with baby as a compromise? Otherwise I’d say “sorry no, it’s really not a baby friendly night out” and maybe do a pre wedding meal out nearer the wedding date? Maybe she could travel over a day or two earlier? X

Did you bother to even read the OP? It is a weekend away in a different country to the baby. Expressing enough for a 3 month old baby plus continuing to express while away for own comfort and maintaining supply would have really hard work - much more than most would do

No chance could I have left mine for more than 2hrs at that age. The feeding was constant! They refused a bottle, despite buying every brand possible and trying almost daily. I definitely qouldnt have left them overnight at that age either.

I'd suggest doing your hen do as planned, adults only but see if she can join for the last day? A brunch or something, get her husband to stay nearby too and see if he can take the baby for a bit. Then she can be included with everyone and then maybe an extra night with anyone who wants of a sort of quiet chilled dinner or a spa day? She could use the trip to take baby to visit her family in Bristol to make it worth their while too.

So you get your adult hen, she can come and join and you get to see her. I've been on similar where there's an extra hen chilled hen night with a smaller group after the big party and its worked well.

Are you having the hen do when baby is 3 months and wedding 6 months later when baby is 9 months? That's what I read from your posts.

Life changes when you have a baby, especially when breastfeeding. You don't want to change your hen do to include baby friend events which is absolutely your right. So really you need to just tell your friend you will arrange something separate with her. No need for anyone to fall out over it.

Co-MOH??? What fresh hell is this?

So you also bottle fed? Rather than ebf. Not all babies take bottles, some have latching issues. Mine never took to bottles, I could only leave them after they'd use open cups from 4 months.

And not all women can express either, even some with very healthy supplies. Just because you could have done something it doesn't mean it's nonsense others can't. I can do the spilts 8 months pregnant, doesn't mean all pregnant women can.