Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

There are masses of places in Bristol where you can do a nice afternoon tea and have a cocktail or a bottomless brunch.I would choice somewhere very special that you both have fancied going when you grew up together.I waa brought up in Kingswood now live in St George so to me anything in Clifton was posh.
I understand you want the hen night to be wild and fun but maybe your friend would prefer a quieter event, listen to your friend and do a baby inclusive event .
I had a really quiet hen do at a restaurant in Clifton with a few good friends.it was perfect and still nearly 30 years ago it still makes me smile.We did a pass the parcel main prize was a wedding veil which my friends brought me.
It the memory of spending good times with the people that matter is the important thing

100% would not be leaving a 3month old. I exclusively breastfed my babies and couldn't leave them until they were having food around 7months old and even then I could only go for a couple of hours at a time. I had to miss my best friends wedding and multiple other hens due to having kids. I agree that a hen isn't really a place for a child but you have to decide if it's a reason to lose a friend over because you don't want the baby there. It isn't like it will understand what's going on at 3 months old. You will have to understand that she will unlikely be drinking lots or staying up really late as she will be exhausted so the question is, is it really a suitable place for her in the first place? It's nice that she is trying to make it work. It's so stressful having your first baby and still having all these other commitments and feeling like your letting people down. Please be kind to her. You'll probably be in her situation one day and it's so hard to understand when you haven't yet been through it yourself. Sadly depending on how understanding you are in this situation, probably will determine whether your friendship continues or not so tread carefully! Xxx

Beautiful post, especially the last sentence.

Most 3 months old are formula feed? I think you'll find thats completely untrue. At 6 months old 82%of babies are still exclusively breastfed.

In the UK? That isn’t the case at all.

We have poor breastfeeding rates.

Her friend may prefer a quieter event but it isn’t her event. It is CF behaviour to expect someone else’s event to be what you would prefer.

She hasn’t had the baby yet. Once she has and realises how difficult everything is with naps and feeding and everything else, she will realise she cannot possibly bring the baby with her on a night out, whether you agree to it or not. I think you need to make it clear to her that she can totally sit this out without any pressure. Can you arrange an earlier event that she could attend well before the baby is born? So you have two events at different times?

But it's her hen do! She might not want a nice chilled day.

I wouldn't have left my baby at 3 months and a hen do is no place for a baby. This is one of those occasions you have to accept she won't be there. Can you catch up before when baby is born and do afternoon tea or something together as a joint hen do/baby celebration

It depends on various factors and some of those may or not change before the hen night. She might plan to breastfeed but it might not work out for her and she might find by the time it comes around she feels differently about leaving baby for an evening. Even if she is breastfeeding, baby may or may not take a bottle to allow her to go out and partner/babysitter to feed baby. Does she have to commit now? Could you make a decision nearer the time or do you need firm numbers.

It also might depend on the nature of the event. Wild pubbing/clubbing, cocktail making, strippers and raucous fun- probably not! But more sedate activity like a meal and drinks she could bring baby to meal part then leave?

Yanbu to stipulate no babies if the event requires it, but I would if I could leave her the leeway to make a firm decision nearer the time

I wouldn’t have been able to come as I was breastfeeding, I definitely wouldn’t take a child to a hen do anyway.

It’s unfair to expect her to leave a 3 month old baby to travel to another country.
It’s also unfair of her to expect to be able to bring the baby.
This is just a situation where you’re both going to have to accept that she probably won’t be at the hen do.
If you feel very strongly that she has to attend, you need to make it a baby friendly get together (but accept that your other friends might not like such an activity).
if she feels very strongly that she has to be there, she will need to find a way to make it work without baby being present, or having someone else with baby close by so she can leave regularly to breastfeed (if she’s breastfeeding). But you can’t expect her to do that, and tbh, even if she now says she will do that, be prepared for her to not be able to do that once the baby arrives.

It's. Not. About. The. Baby.

It's about the OP having the hen do that she wants. And the rest of the group having an enjoyable time. A three month old baby dictating what kind of event the bride to be has, is just madness.

Totally agree. Some of these posts are just insane.

Why is it so hard for some to grasp the fact that sometimes adults want to an adults only gathering? As a parent we accept our kids can’t go everywhere and if it means we miss a few events then that’s the life of a parent.

The entitlement of ‘but it’s MY child’ is off the scale with some.

No! Baby has to stay home, and tell her that! It’s ridiculous to have an infant dictate a hen do.
Besides - closer to the time she may feel totally differently, she clearly has no idea of how much her life is going to change or how ‘inconvenient’ kids can be!
D

I think she is offering to be a good friend but it would be really hard for her even if she brings the baby. It's a long way to travel with a tiny baby and socialising with a group with a tiny baby will be hard too.
My advice would be to say thanks so much for offering but why don't we do something separate just us two? Go for a afternoon tea or something when the baby is a bit older or near to her house. I think if you try to make her come without the baby you realise once you have your own how unreasonable you are being.

YABU in expecting her to leave her 3 month old child. Some parents aren’t ready for that yet. There are also those who might be exclusively breastfeeding which means that they can’t leave their baby - for some BF is the only way a child will have milk. I think some of the other people commenting don’t have insight into this - some babies will refuse a bottle.

It’s nice to see that she is making the effort to come but she is overstepping and being unreasonable by asking you to change your plans in place a baby-friendly activity. Keep your plans and if you would be happy to do so you could maybe suggest that she can bring the baby to a bit of it if she can make it, are you doing a brunch at all that she could partake in and then leave? That’s entirely your choice though.

I am of the opinion that children shouldn’t be on hen-do’s, it’s up to you to weigh up if you would rather have her there with her baby or not at all, and what ever you decide is perfectly okay. She has a baby (who she will understandably put first) but those are her choices and it is not up to you to change your plans to fit her needs if you don’t wish to.

She shouldn’t feel obliged to attend with a baby but also you shouldn’t feel obliged to accommodate her baby at your hen do.

I wish that was true. The reality is that only 1% of babies are exclusively breastfed at 6 months in the UK.

Surly she knows its a night out in town where babies aren't permitted. All you can do is tell her the plans and the rest is up to her. No need to have it as a family friendly night, it's YOUR hen do.

This. I couldn't have left mine at that age, but equally I wouldn't have taken them on a hen do. I just didn't go out when they were that little.

It doesn’t matter what the friend would prefer. She’s had her hen do, now it’s someone else’s turn. The bride to be is entitled to have the hen do she wants and if others don’t like it then they don’t have to attend. IMO the friend is being utterly selfish by trying to have the event planned around her and her forthcoming baby.

It depends on what you want more your friend at your hen do or not. YABU expecting her to leave her 3 month old overnight.
I had a baby friendly hen do and an adults only hen do.

She hasn’t asked to come to the night out. She has asked if the day time activity could be something she could bring her baby along to. There are loads of things OP could choose to do that would make this possible if that’s what she wants.

As I said up thread, I did the same at my friend’s hen do with my then 3 month old. Joined with baby for part of the hen do during the day, left early evening. Caused zero issues and everyone had a great time. It really doesn’t have to be as difficult as many on this thread are making out.

Oh for Christ’s sake read the OP’s posts. She isn’t trying to make the friend attend. She understands she won’t be able to. It’s the friend who’s pushing for a baby-friendly affair as she doesn’t want to ‘miss out’. It’s the friend who’s unreasonable - not OP.

Babies do not go to hen parties. Yanbu