Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Infant at a hen do

523 replies

BrislingtonCat · 29/10/2024 12:26

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

OP posts:
YerArseInParsley · 01/11/2024 16:42

dragonfliesandbees · 01/11/2024 16:34

She hasn’t asked to come to the night out. She has asked if the day time activity could be something she could bring her baby along to. There are loads of things OP could choose to do that would make this possible if that’s what she wants.

As I said up thread, I did the same at my friend’s hen do with my then 3 month old. Joined with baby for part of the hen do during the day, left early evening. Caused zero issues and everyone had a great time. It really doesn’t have to be as difficult as many on this thread are making out.

Show quote history

No, it doesn't have to be difficult but it has to be what the op wants. The request has probably put the op in a difficult position. Day or night plans, tell the friend the plans and the ball is in her court unless op wants to arrange a baby friendly hen do which is kinda unfair to ask. If it was me I'd say sorry I can't come as I can't leave baby, then it would be up to the hen to decide if she wants a family friendly day/night.

Strugglingforanamechange · 01/11/2024 16:44

I went to a hen when my youngest was about the same age for a good friend but not my best friend and I wasn’t part of the bridal party! I was also breast feeding but I prepared in advance by pumping and freezing milk, getting baby used to a bottle and pumping and dumping while away.
I was very sad leaving my baby but fine once away, had a great time and my friend really appreciated my presence.

Figgygal · 01/11/2024 16:44

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 01/11/2024 16:37

Oh for Christ’s sake read the OP’s posts. She isn’t trying to make the friend attend. She understands she won’t be able to. It’s the friend who’s pushing for a baby-friendly affair as she doesn’t want to ‘miss out’. It’s the friend who’s unreasonable - not OP.

Show quote history

Agree friend is being quite selfish
She can't have baby there and you shouldn't have to not have the hen you want. You've offered her an alternative so you two have quality time and that's not good enough either.
having kids does remove some freedoms and complications maybe she should have held off until she was ready to accept that

dragonfliesandbees · 01/11/2024 16:57

YerArseInParsley · 01/11/2024 16:42

No, it doesn't have to be difficult but it has to be what the op wants. The request has probably put the op in a difficult position. Day or night plans, tell the friend the plans and the ball is in her court unless op wants to arrange a baby friendly hen do which is kinda unfair to ask. If it was me I'd say sorry I can't come as I can't leave baby, then it would be up to the hen to decide if she wants a family friendly day/night.

Show quote history

Well OP says she desperately wants her friend to be there so she needs to decide whether that’s more important to her than having the whole event baby free. The day time plans haven’t been confirmed. All the friend has done is ask if they could be baby friendly. If OP decides no and the friend doesn’t accept that then she is being unreasonable. But I don’t think she is wrong to ask the question and to wait and see what the day time plans involve before deciding whether or not to come.

YerArseInParsley · 01/11/2024 17:15

dragonfliesandbees · 01/11/2024 16:57

Well OP says she desperately wants her friend to be there so she needs to decide whether that’s more important to her than having the whole event baby free. The day time plans haven’t been confirmed. All the friend has done is ask if they could be baby friendly. If OP decides no and the friend doesn’t accept that then she is being unreasonable. But I don’t think she is wrong to ask the question and to wait and see what the day time plans involve before deciding whether or not to come.

Show quote history

I agree but I think it's now put a bit of pressure on the op and making the her feel awkward to make it baby friendly rather than a day of drinking,/games/strippers/go karting etc if that's what she wants.

TandyhatesAmanda · 01/11/2024 17:16

I hate hen doo stuff, more trouble than it's worth. Nobody looks forward to it except the bride and most resent the compulsory expense and faff. Nobody is unreasonable in this, the answer is for your friend not to feel.she has to go and stay home and enjoy her baby. A radical idea, from someone who llalso lives abroad, if you want to see your friend, planes fly both ways, hop on a flight another time and go see her and the baby. I would far rather see a friend I care about than dance around like a 5 year old in a sash anyway.

NiftyKoala · 01/11/2024 17:23

It's absolutely nuts to have a 3 month old at a hen do. When you have a child there are things you have to miss.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 01/11/2024 17:52

NiftyKoala · 01/11/2024 17:23

It's absolutely nuts to have a 3 month old at a hen do. When you have a child there are things you have to miss.

I agree for that you can’t have a baby there for most of it, but a 3 month old during part of the day that is planned for a coffee/ lunch would be very doable. If that doesn’t work as the plans will be more fluid then fair enough but i think it’s fair enough for the friend to check and see if part of it is possible. 3 month olds can be quite easy to take out.

bitsalty · 01/11/2024 18:07

I went to a hen in the summer where the MOH had a baby that was breastfed. She came for the lunch and her mum was nearby with the baby. It worked fine and actually at 3 months, even if the baby was there for lunch it would probably be ok.

She didn't come to the day time activity or the night out and she was fine with that. Bit cheeky to ask for the whole day to be changed to accommodate her baby!

daliesque · 01/11/2024 18:07

This thread is beyond insane. I can't believe that there are so many women who think that other peoples plans and events should revolve around other people and their offspring.

I've had two hen do!s. The first one jn my 20's which was at a club in Ibiza. That was messy and definitely not baby friendly, but then not were my friends and me.

The second one recently and definitely more sedate - meal out and all home by midnight as we're mostly in our 50's and 60's and so the mere thought of a heavy night is exhausting. So thst one definitely baby friendly, but still it was childfree because I wanted it that way. It was my event to celebrate my forthcoming marriage and for that night it was....all about me and you knkw what? That doesn't make me selfish, narcissistic, exclusionary towards mothers or anything else negative. One night, about me. That's allowed and frankly I wish more women would stop being such fucking martyrs and do the same.

bitsalty · 01/11/2024 18:08

TandyhatesAmanda · 01/11/2024 17:16

I hate hen doo stuff, more trouble than it's worth. Nobody looks forward to it except the bride and most resent the compulsory expense and faff. Nobody is unreasonable in this, the answer is for your friend not to feel.she has to go and stay home and enjoy her baby. A radical idea, from someone who llalso lives abroad, if you want to see your friend, planes fly both ways, hop on a flight another time and go see her and the baby. I would far rather see a friend I care about than dance around like a 5 year old in a sash anyway.

Actually, I look forward to stuff like this. I love celebrating my friends and their life events.

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 01/11/2024 18:12

You haven't drip fed here OP.

But. I think the abroad thing at 3 months is quite early for a new mum and baby, she's not a few doors away, it's an entirely different country. And I think that's maybe why Mum wants to be able to bring baby.

OP you don't say if mum breastfeeds?

EnfysHeulenEira · 01/11/2024 18:13

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 01/11/2024 18:12

You haven't drip fed here OP.

But. I think the abroad thing at 3 months is quite early for a new mum and baby, she's not a few doors away, it's an entirely different country. And I think that's maybe why Mum wants to be able to bring baby.

OP you don't say if mum breastfeeds?

The baby hasn't even been born yet

TheWittyBird · 01/11/2024 18:16

If she's Breast Feeding she can express the milk and let her husband feed it . A hen party is not for anyone under 18 and if 16/17 yr olds come along the better have good fake ID

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 01/11/2024 18:16

teachermummyme · 29/10/2024 12:33

If she's planning to breast feed she will not be able to leave the baby at that age. And even if she bottle feeds, many mums would not want to leave such a new baby.
Is it an option for her husband to come with her and stay with the baby and she can join you for some of the activities / parts of the day and night? When she is asking to bring the baby, I'm not sure what she's envisaging if not the scenario I just mentioned - it would be madness to think the baby could actually be at the activities and meals!
If that cannot happen, I think she will just not be able to come. It's a real shame but these things happen unfortunately.

Is she flying her whole family out from Dubai? That's the context. The mum probably doesn't want to leave her 3 month old baby for two/three days if her husband isn't able to come plus breastfeeding....

I don't disagree with the friend asking the question, because I'm not sure I'd be willing to leave my three month old for 2/3 days....

Maviz · 01/11/2024 18:22

Haven't read the whole thread but from the early posts she sounds incredibly selfish.

She doesn't seem to respect the fact that this is YOUR hen party. She's guilt tripping you by saying she doesn't want to miss out. Tough shit!

And then goes a step further in her dickishness by asking for a baby friendly activity!

She sounds like she won't stop until she gets her way.

Perhaps a firm reminder of all you did to make her hen party a great event and you want the same for yours. Unfortunately for her that does not include bringing her newborn baby.

She should accept it with good grace or fuck off.

ginasevern · 01/11/2024 18:22

Being a really good friend in this scenario means politely declining the invitation and making plans to meet another time and in a suitable environment. I wouldn't dream of asking if I could bring my baby and would assume from the start that it was a complete no no.

lemonyellows · 01/11/2024 18:23

Why don't you meet up with just her and baby? Just not the hen do.

saraclara · 01/11/2024 18:28

@Unicornsanddiscoballs91 it's DUBLIN! Not Dubai.

Hereforaglance · 01/11/2024 19:04

Hen dos are for adults babies or children shouldn't be involved

redkite27 · 01/11/2024 19:07

BrislingtonCat · 29/10/2024 12:26

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

100% YABU. If she was rudely your friend this wouldn't even be a question. She will literally have a newborn and to want her to leave it at home when she may not feel comfortable doing so, for a night out. Change your plans to accommodate your supposed best friend.

EdithBond · 01/11/2024 19:33

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/11/2024 15:27

In the UK? That isn’t the case at all.

We have poor breastfeeding rates.

Show quote history

Is it any wonder breastfeeding rates are so low in UK when new mothers receive so little support? And are expected to stay at home with babies.

Such as being told by someone, who claims you’re their oldest and closest friend, you can’t bring your 3 month year old to ANY PART of their get-together, which is still months away and without firm plans. Especially when it’s been organised for 6 months before the wedding and you’re bending over backwards saying you’ll travel from overseas with a young baby, twelve weeks after giving birth, to be there. Talk about uncompromising!

I ask again, why is any element of a hen do ‘no place’ for a 3 month old baby? It keeps being said, but why? Or why does a mother bringing her breastfed baby with her make other women feel uncomfortable or means it’ll make the celebration ‘all about the baby’? Of course it won’t! Actually, I’m pretty sure if it was a fella bringing his 3 month old baby on a stag (obvs not to any thumping nightclub element), most blokes would have no problem with this. But women do!

I wouldn’t give a shit about the expectations of the rest of the party, if I was having an important celebration, I’d want my closest friend there and would work out with her how she can best be included and supported, without having to leave her baby.

redkite27 · 01/11/2024 19:36

@EdithBond 100% 👏👏 exactly this, such a selfish attitude

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 01/11/2024 19:37

EdithBond · 01/11/2024 19:33

Is it any wonder breastfeeding rates are so low in UK when new mothers receive so little support? And are expected to stay at home with babies.

Such as being told by someone, who claims you’re their oldest and closest friend, you can’t bring your 3 month year old to ANY PART of their get-together, which is still months away and without firm plans. Especially when it’s been organised for 6 months before the wedding and you’re bending over backwards saying you’ll travel from overseas with a young baby, twelve weeks after giving birth, to be there. Talk about uncompromising!

I ask again, why is any element of a hen do ‘no place’ for a 3 month old baby? It keeps being said, but why? Or why does a mother bringing her breastfed baby with her make other women feel uncomfortable or means it’ll make the celebration ‘all about the baby’? Of course it won’t! Actually, I’m pretty sure if it was a fella bringing his 3 month old baby on a stag (obvs not to any thumping nightclub element), most blokes would have no problem with this. But women do!

I wouldn’t give a shit about the expectations of the rest of the party, if I was having an important celebration, I’d want my closest friend there and would work out with her how she can best be included and supported, without having to leave her baby.

Show quote history

I agree.

saraclara · 01/11/2024 19:40

So @redkite27 and @EdithBond , OP is to drop all her preferred plans (which may well be the other guests' preferences too) for the day that is supposed to be about her? And plan something that she doesn't want, in order to accommodate that one guest and her baby?

What's the betting that once she's organised this day that she doesn't want, and it's all paid for, her friend decides that flying over with the baby is too challenging, and cancels?