Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

I wouldn’t give a shit about the expectations of the rest of the party, if I was having an important celebration, I’d want my closest friend there

So the other friends don't matter? Most people don't organise an event that the majority of their good friends and female relatives won't enjoy. The oldest friend isn't the only person who counts

Can't she just tell her friend that of course she can bring her baby if she would like to? She should support her friend

A lot of assumptions in this post. OP doesn’t have any plans for the day yet. And she hasn’t actually said what it is she wants to do. She has said that she desperately wants her friend to be there though...

Absolutely. Honestly I can’t believe some of what I’m reading that adults shouldn’t be entitled to have social events without someone bringing their kids and that to not indulge the parent bringing the child is seen as being unreasonable.

Thats batshit crazy imo. As an adult, I want to socialise in adult company - it’s not much to ask really.

My son is an adult now but this wasn’t even a question a few years ago but it’s the entitled me me me attitude that prevails now.

so if breastfeeding I imagine it would be pretty much impossible and even if not it might be too much for her to leave. I have gone to hen party and brought husband/baby to the same hotel -I just popped up to feed when necessary and then back out - nobody knew they were there except the bride and MOH whom I’d planned it with. Baby was older (nine months) but still efb. Obviously baby can’t come to hen party itself but surely you’re not going to ban them from the hotel/b&b close by?! Or just accept she can’t make it if you don’t want that!

That’s the bit I don’t understand. I’ve thrown a lot of parties and when I celebrate, it not ‘about me’. What means most to me is making memories with the people I care about the most. Being with them and seeing them happy. It wouldn’t be a ‘day I didn’t want’ as I’d want my closest friend there. And I certainly wouldn’t want to put that much pressure on her as a new mother, that I’ve only changed my plans ‘for her’.

But I’ve had friends and family members die young, even in my teens and 20s not to mention later, sometimes suddenly or swiftly, with no chance to say goodbye. So I look back and realise how important it was to make the effort to see them and include them, and their kids, at important moments in our lives.

Of course they matter, but why would they not be happy for my closest friend to have her 3 month old baby with her? None of my friends would be like that, men or women, so it’s hypothetical. But if their expectation of MY celebration was that my closest friend couldn’t bring her baby, then I wouldn’t give a shit. Why’s it stopping them from enjoying themselves, unless they’re incredibly unsupportive, uptight and/or judgemental?

Some people are just batshit.

Because they are generally adult events and a baby there absolutely changes the vibe. OP has already made an exception to her wedding and invited the baby which is the ‘main event’ to compromise with her friend.

She shouldn’t have to do it for the hen as well or should OP’s events revolve around her friends baby?

and again, the baby isn’t even here yet. My point was that baby might not even be breastfed.

Howling at the idea that a man would even think to bring a 3 month old to a stag do, let alone the idea that all the men there would be delighted by it.

Women “don’t like it” because we’re the only sex that has to put up with it.

It doesn’t matter WHY the event isn’t suitable for a baby if the person hosting it doesn’t want a baby there. It isn’t illegal to not want to hang out with a baby on your heh do, no legal defence is necessary.

And no, people wanting a hen do without a baby is not why we have low breastfeeding rates.

Daughter has just had a baby 4 months ago she expresses her breast milk so baby gets her milk and we feed him while she showers, works etc . She also has her sisters Hen party in February so baby will be 8 months old NO she doesn't want to go but does 😊 but dad will watch and feed the baby with papa's help

Surprised at all these comments being appalled at the suggestion. At my sister's hen do, a friend brought her 4mo to one daytime activity (cake decorating) and it was absolutely fine. He was in the sling much of the time or being cuddled by very willing friends. It didn't take the attention of my sister at all. She was pregnant herself though, so perhaps that helped. The friend didn't stay at the accomodation with us or come on the night out, she did join us for dinner whilst dad had baby a couple of hours. They has their own weekend accommodation booked.

Yep I had a wry smile at that one. As if it would ever cross a blokes mind to take a baby to a stag do and if he did his hates would absolutely embrace the idea. Honestly in what parallel universe would that scenario ever happen? 🤣🤣

It’s beyond me why it’s so hard for some to understand why grown adults want social events that are child free. I breastfed my DS for a year - I missed out on some social events. Thats part and parcel of being a parent. Plenty of years before and after to catch up with friends

Lots of people keen to point out “the baby will probably just sleep through any daytime stuff anyway”

A - I’d love to know the secret to making these magical angelic babies because all of mine were screamers.

B - how do you know OPs friend will get one of these sleeping beauty babies?

Indeed. I’ve only been to two afternoon teas and they were not enhanced by the absolutely tiny screaming baby that was present at each one! (Would’ve been fine if taken out but of course, that didn’t happen.)

None of my siblings had babies that did anything other than scream 24/7 from birth! They’d have laughed at the idea of doing daytime activities that cost ££££.

It’s her hen night. She can support her friend every other day but she is no way selfish to say that she wants to do whatever she wants with who she wants (and doesn’t want) there

Just because a friend has had a baby doesn’t mean everyone has to accommodate them

If a friend insisted on bringing a child of any age along to a celebration of mine when I didn’t want them there then they wouldn’t be a friend for much longer (not saying that’s what happening in the OPs case, I am more thinking of some of the entitlement posters and stories that have been shared)

Oh my goodness, you can't ask her to leave her three month old baby overnight, that's far too tiny! I would let her pass on this situation, she'll probably be bloody exhausted anyway. I know I wouldn't have been up for a hen do at that point, you're still very much in the trenches at three months x

Agree. At 3 months I don’t think I’d had more than a couple of hours interrupted sleep and was like a zombie. I’d be asleep face down on the bar if I had a night out 😂

A hen do is no place for a baby I would of just declined rather than ask to bring the baby it's unfortunate she won't be there but it is what it is

If the baby will be 3 months at the hen do and 9 months at the wedding, are you having the hen night 6 months earlier? Could you do it 3 months later when baby will be 6 months, she might be happier to leave the baby then? If you really want her there?

No she's being silly

fine if she doesn't want to leave the baby (u wouldn't either) but would say it's fine for her not to come

I think you night be seeing this from the wrong perspective. She doesn’t want to upset you and say no, but with a 3 month old she’s conscious she’ll possibly be feeding and so won’t want to / be able to be far from the baby.

In reality when she has a 3 month old I very much doubt she’s going to want to take it on the hen do. I think you should just say, you completely understand her situation, and unfortunately the activities are not baby friendly, and instead you’d love to do afternoon tea or something specifically with her and the baby is very much welcome. Open it up to your wider friend group if they’re free and would like to but on a no pressure basis.

Nobody is asking her to leave her 3 month old baby ,it's the other way round ,the friend wants to come with the baby!

So hubby and baby come too but stay with family or hotel and you go on hen doo. Must be a pretty fantastic friend to expect that though - I wouldn't do it if I was the one with the baby. Friends understand- accept each others needs. There will be plenty of other get togethers yes it's a hen night but really a true friend wouldn't expect that.

I ask again, why is any element of a hen do ‘no place’ for a 3 month old baby

Give over 🙄