Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

No the baby shouldn't come it will spoil the vibe. Understandable she can't come but this is her issue if she really wants to be there she can find a way.

I wouldn't take a child under 18 on a hen (or stag) do - what happens on 'the hen' stays on 'the hen' 🤣

What is it you want to do and why wouldn’t it be baby friendly? My friend had a hen do when my baby was the same age. It started with afternoon tea which I attended with the baby (who slept for most of it so didn’t cause any bother at all). I didn’t attend the evening/night part as that wouldn’t have been suitable for the baby.

Three months is definitely too young to leave her baby, not many women would be happy to do that. If you’ve got your heart set on white water rafting or something equally impossible with baby in tow then you both may need to accept that your friend can’t attend. But there are options to include your friend and her baby while still allowing you to have a great hen do.

So because she chose to have a baby she now wants to dictate your hen party? Dont think so! When you have children sometimes you have to miss out on things. If she’s choosing to breastfeed, again it makes it difficult to attend certain events. She’ll have to miss out it’s as simple as that.

YANBU - It is completely reasonable to expect a hen do to be baby free. Having said that, it's a long way off. Let's get the baby here safe & well first & then you can revisit the issue. 3 months in she might want a night out without baby. Even if she is exclusively breast feeding she could pump & come out without baby. So maybe park it for now if you can and see how she feels closer to the time .

You cannot leave a 3 month old BF baby for any guaranteed length of time. for those saying pump, maybe, my baby rejects the bottle and just cries and cries. Also at that point as a mum for some you often barely leave house, washing hair is an achievement, getting tarted up to go on hen do would be a struggle. I say some, not all. But your friend won’t know what she’ll be like. Presumably she’s making the effort to come to your wedding? For me this would be enough and I’d leave her out of hen do. Could you just two of you do something nice together before baby is born instead? Spa day, afternoon T etc?
If it was me and I really wanted to go to hen I’d bring husband and have him and baby in hotel close by so I could nip back easily. But I think I’d be too exhausted to contemplate this.

I can't believe many people have that strong opinion to just easily ignore a new mom. This is why mothers go through depression, because they are constantly being rejected in society. Yes party is not a place for baby. But you mentioned you have things to planned in the morning. She can join for Morning and yes she can bring her husband or some Aleb to look after baby. She can pop in every few few hours to breastfeed. Do not disappoint her , as someone will disappoint you soon after your hen do and your marriage and when you are in her place.
And make her sure you want her badly to be there even with baby and you can both find ways to accommodate the situation. What is it with all people in the world
Stop ignoring new mothers and act their only job is to look after baby.

Only allowing one baby when others are not allowed is rather strange; I would be pretty pissed off if I had arranged child care to attend your wedding, then find a baby in attendance

She hasn’t had the baby yet? She will feel differently when the baby is born and will probably feel differently about taking baby to a hen do. Can you leave things open and see what her options are nearer the time with regard her DH being nearby with the baby?

She is not ignoring a new mom? She has suggested alternative ideas and her friend doesn't want to do that, so she isn't helping herself really. I'm expecting a baby myself and I would and will never expect my friends to change their plans around me. At the end of the day, a wedding is also a big life event and she shouldn't have to change anything for anyone.
If you just came on this thread to twist things and make OP look like a shitty person then I think that's wrong, just because she is having a baby does NOT mean everyone else's lives have to change I'm afraid. I bet people wouldn't have these ridiculous opinions if a male had posted this.

At 3 months old, that baby probably needs to eat every 3 hours or so, especially if she's breastfeeding. I would never leave my 3-month-old for more than the span of a short doctor's appointment or something.
If I was the mum in question, my baby would need to come or I probably wouldn't be able to make it.

If you really want her there, figure out a way to have your do that accommodates her. Maybe plan a dinner and bar night at a hotel so that her partner can be up but in one of the rooms with the baby so she can be close by if she needs to feed or check on the baby.

Another thing to consider which may not be on anybody's mind because this is her first and no one else in your group has had children, new mothers often have a lot of anxiety around leaving their babies. It's not unlikely that you'll get to the big day, and she's not going to be able to tear herself away from her new baby, so make a plan that either allows for her to keep the baby close or allows for the possibility that she's not coming at all.

For the umpteenth time the Op isn't expecting the friend to attend it was the friend that suggested she attend with the baby.

Still no response from the OP to explain the half-year gap between Ben do and wedding?

No one's asking op to change her life. They're asking her to allow a baby to be in the room.

But if she doesn't want too, she doesn't have too? Its HER hen weekend, not her friend and the baby's😂

Revolting post

😂Tiring isn't it

Not that easy when friendl lives in a different country ,and nobody.is ignoring new mothers I have Been a new mother and.i didn't expect life to revolve around me sometimes as a parent you just have to accept that you just can't attend certain events

Why should she ?
It's a Hen night they sometimes get a bit loud and silly
It's a one off event why can't shop have the Hen night she wants?

Cancel the Cheque🤣🤣

3 months is too young to leave a baby overnight

Some mums might be able to, but the majority would be so riddled with anxiety they'd be absolutely miserable, and a new baby needs lots of connection with mum in the early months.

I would just let her bring the baby, it's not going to make everything about the baby and she'll probably end up leaving early with it anyway.

Why should she ?
You do realise the friend lives in Ireland and the Hen do is is in Bristol ,it would be a major faff ,bringing the baby over anyway .

I think as sad as this is going to sound, when you have a baby it's about making sacrifices and always putting that child before your needs and wants. For me I wouldn't want to have left any of my four children at that age and going out and getting drunk really still doesn't appeal to me now the youngest is six. The hangovers are hard enough with having to look after babies.

Over the years I've had to miss out on weddings where it was adults only and couldn't get anyone to look after them. I now don't even bother asking and when I get asked to do something I can't take my children to I just reply and say I can't.

I know it's sad but it's just the way things are unless you have great parents or friends that will watch them

If the night gets too loud, mum can leave with the baby, If it's not complicated.

Op can have the exact party she wants and not do anything to change it for the baby and if it's not working out for the baby, the baby can leave with mum. My first would have slept in my arms through a night of hibachi, drag bingo and competitive karaoke.

I don't disagree at the best bet maybe to have a special night with op and mum or for mum to just come to the daytime activities, but let the baby thing sort itself out. Odds are, mum's going to excuse herself and leave early. She's still going to be in the thick of night feedings and likely exhausted.

Mum should probably do some research on Reddit asking how many mums would travel with a 3-month-old, because she may find that it is not something she's going to want to do anyway. Her life is about to change so much that what she wants now and what she will want then may not even resemble each other.

It's good that they're hashing this out now, and I hope they figure it out because it sounds like they care for each other a lot.

Your friend is being selfish by suggesting that you change your hen do and do something baby friendly!! It's not about her; this day is about you.

I'd go to Dublin and see her separately, and carry on with the hen do YOU want.

Remind her that she got the hen do she wanted too...