Page 13 | Infant at a hen do

BrislingtonCat · 2024-10-29T12:26:05+00:00

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work. She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children. Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad. so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

pollymere · 30/10/2024 20:28

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 30/10/2024 19:36

Mine had reflux and CMPA (which GP refused to listen to me about). He barely slept an hour a time and spent lots of it grunting, crying etc. Almost all milk feeds came straight back up all over me and anything close. Not all babies are happy snoozers.

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Then it's unlikely the friend will want to fly or go on a hen-do if that is the case...

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2024 20:49

SoporificLettuce · 30/10/2024 20:25

3 months is far too young to leave behind. A baby thst age needs his / her mummy 24/7. No way would I separate them.

Some parents obviously don’t want to leave their baby at 3 months but others do. I went back to work when mine were 3 months.

Blueskieslookingatme · 30/10/2024 21:23

fitzwilliamdarcy · 29/10/2024 16:54

Same way they’re never called groomzillas if they have childfree weddings. It’s always assumed to be the bride’s decision, and because she’s a woman, her not wanting to arrange her wedding around children makes her selfish, vain, narcissistic, cold, bridezilla etc etc etc.

Again - by other women. Drives me mad!

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Yeah. Sadly there are still a large number of men-appeasing, women-betraying "Stepfords" in existence.

Missingpop · 30/10/2024 21:26

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fitzwilliamdarcy · 30/10/2024 21:28

@Missingpop Are you OK?

Yourcatisnotsorry · 30/10/2024 21:34

I’ve taken my baby on hen dos. One I was MOH and organised it all, led all the daytime activities and then bowed out for the night out. A daytime activity the baby might be fine to attend. 3months mostly just eat/sleep/sit in a pram/carrier anyway. They can’t come clubbing obviously. Maybe invite her to a daytime brunch.

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 30/10/2024 21:54

Yourcatisnotsorry · 30/10/2024 21:34

I’ve taken my baby on hen dos. One I was MOH and organised it all, led all the daytime activities and then bowed out for the night out. A daytime activity the baby might be fine to attend. 3months mostly just eat/sleep/sit in a pram/carrier anyway. They can’t come clubbing obviously. Maybe invite her to a daytime brunch.

Depends on what OP wants! A low-key afternoon tea or brunch? Probably fine. A full on bottomless brunch with cocktails, veils, jokes and penis straws or a cocktails masterclass with nibbles? Not really something one would feel comfortable around a 3mo.

Most recent hen I went to she was an adrenaline junkie and the activity was sports with a picnic set up somewhere you had to do all sorts to get to. Not sure I would abseil with a 3mo even if they'd let me!

Plus even if she can 'just come for the afternoon tea' she's coming from another country. Would you want to go to effort of sorting a passport, flights etc with a 3 month old to just go for a couple hours?

OP doesn't want to compromise on what she wants to do, which is fair. She is fine with her not coming because of that but the friends saying she feels like she's missing out.

It seems hen is 6 months before wedding. If hen could be moved closer to wedding that might be easier as baby older and could bring dad over to watch in a hotel or something if she really wanted to insist on coming. But a 3mo at a hen is a bad idea unless the bride wants a baby friendly do. Because it's a hen do, it's supposed to be about her.

MandEmummy · 30/10/2024 22:23

Obviously no baby! I went to a friends hen do when my littlest one was 4 months old. She was exclusively breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle but I'm also aware a hen do is once in a life time and important for close friends. So I made the decision to say I wouldn't be able to stay the night like everyone else but I will come and join for as long as I could until mum and husband called. So I pumped some milk which they fed to her with a teaspoon and left at 4pm (25 minute drive) done the cocktail class with no alcohol, danced with the stripper, had food and went in the hotub. I was home by midnight. I had a great time, baby was looked after and bride was super appreciative despite me not being able to be present the entire time.

BigManLittleDignity · 30/10/2024 22:25

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U ok hun?

Eenameenadeeka · 30/10/2024 22:37

I had a baby who was a couple of months old when my best friend was getting married. I went to the afternoon part of her hen party with baby, and skipped the bar part of the evening. It wasn't a crazy wild party and she was happy to have us, but if you'd rather she not come it's your party.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 30/10/2024 22:57

@Runsyd - I exclusively breastfed four babies and never managed to express enough for one bottle, far less one night ffs .

Not everyone's bodies are the same, pull your head in.

TofuTart · 30/10/2024 23:38

You don't take a baby to a hen do.
She's barking!
I say this as a mum of two as well.
It's not fair on the others as well, as it'll totally change the dynamics of the get together and not fair for those who have arranged childcare to attend.

Mama2many73 · 30/10/2024 23:59

I had a family friendly hen do cos I hate drinking round pubs and clubs. All of our young bridesmaids came and mothers.

When my colleague got married she had 2 pregnant friends/bridesmaids so they did non/low drinking and activities that everyone would equally join in.

You can't have your cake and eat it.
YANBU unreasonable to think you dont want kids there (your choice), but
YABU to question if she is BU to say she can't come without the baby. Her baby will be 12 weeks old!!

Ofcourse it's your choice and while you might understand and respect she won't come if you say the baby can't come, it might go a lot deeper for her and you might have issues over it in the future. It really depends on how much you value her x

Noshowlomo · 31/10/2024 07:42

@Missingpop did you comment on the wrong thread because you clearly haven’t read all of OPs posts!

x2boys · 31/10/2024 08:41

Mama2many73 · 30/10/2024 23:59

I had a family friendly hen do cos I hate drinking round pubs and clubs. All of our young bridesmaids came and mothers.

When my colleague got married she had 2 pregnant friends/bridesmaids so they did non/low drinking and activities that everyone would equally join in.

You can't have your cake and eat it.
YANBU unreasonable to think you dont want kids there (your choice), but
YABU to question if she is BU to say she can't come without the baby. Her baby will be 12 weeks old!!

Ofcourse it's your choice and while you might understand and respect she won't come if you say the baby can't come, it might go a lot deeper for her and you might have issues over it in the future. It really depends on how much you value her x

Edited

The Op isn't expecting to have her cake and eat it ,she waasent expecting her friend to come ,it's the friend that wants to bring the baby.

x2boys · 31/10/2024 08:45

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Its a Hen night ,the world doesn't revolve around babies and new mothers particularly on a hen night ,i have had two babies, I didnt expect the world to stop to accommodate Me.

TwistedWonder · 31/10/2024 08:49

x2boys · 31/10/2024 08:45

Its a Hen night ,the world doesn't revolve around babies and new mothers particularly on a hen night ,i have had two babies, I didnt expect the world to stop to accommodate Me.

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Absolutely agree. As parents we accept there will be a few years where we might have to miss out on a few things our friends are doing. That’s life and part and parcel of parenthood.

The world doesn’t revolve around us and our children.

LozC0411 · 31/10/2024 08:50

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Did you read the thread or did you just come here to bring someone down? She literally says she is NOT expecting her friend to come, and is also allowing her to bring the baby to her wedding. Just because her friend is having a baby does not mean that she has to drop or change all plans to accommodate her.
Read things before you add your unnecessary comments.

LozC0411 · 31/10/2024 08:53

x2boys · 31/10/2024 08:41

The Op isn't expecting to have her cake and eat it ,she waasent expecting her friend to come ,it's the friend that wants to bring the baby.

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Thank you! I'm starting to think people haven't actually read OPs posts...

Mama2many73 · 31/10/2024 09:20

LozC0411 · 31/10/2024 08:53

Thank you! I'm starting to think people haven't actually read OPs posts...

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I've reread (all) posts and unless I'm missing something I don't think I'm wrong.

My initial post was about the OP post.
She really wanted her friend there but without the baby and obviously can't have both which is where my 'cake' comment came from.
Obviously the friend has the same issue, really wants to be there but can't have the baby there so needs to make the decision.

I said OP was NBU in not wanting the baby to be there but choosing that option could cause issue with her friend's feelings .

LozC0411 · 31/10/2024 09:24

Mama2many73 · 31/10/2024 09:20

I've reread (all) posts and unless I'm missing something I don't think I'm wrong.

My initial post was about the OP post.
She really wanted her friend there but without the baby and obviously can't have both which is where my 'cake' comment came from.
Obviously the friend has the same issue, really wants to be there but can't have the baby there so needs to make the decision.

I said OP was NBU in not wanting the baby to be there but choosing that option could cause issue with her friend's feelings .

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And I think her choice on not having the baby there is valid, its her hen do, her rules. Life doesn't revolve around babies, she's already making the exception of the baby being there at the wedding. She also suggested a separate day for just the two of them and her friend said no she'd feel left out, I actually think the issue here is the friend. If her friend is upset by that then that's her issue at the end of the day, life changes when you have children

LozC0411 · 31/10/2024 09:26

Mama2many73 · 31/10/2024 09:20

I've reread (all) posts and unless I'm missing something I don't think I'm wrong.

My initial post was about the OP post.
She really wanted her friend there but without the baby and obviously can't have both which is where my 'cake' comment came from.
Obviously the friend has the same issue, really wants to be there but can't have the baby there so needs to make the decision.

I said OP was NBU in not wanting the baby to be there but choosing that option could cause issue with her friend's feelings .

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OP also never said her friend was being unreasonable if she doesn't go... So that YABU comment wasn't necessary really

Aoibheanni · 31/10/2024 10:47

TwistedWonder · 31/10/2024 08:49

Absolutely agree. As parents we accept there will be a few years where we might have to miss out on a few things our friends are doing. That’s life and part and parcel of parenthood.

The world doesn’t revolve around us and our children.

Edited

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Exactly! I missed my cousins wedding because I would have a very small baby (like 3-5 weeks) and it was abroad.

the conversation went like this:

me: … so that means I won’t be able to come

C: that’s such a shame

me: I know, I’m sorry but I hope you have an amazing time and we can get together afterwards to celebrate/look at pictures

C: that would be lovely

the end!

when you have a baby life changes massively and you have to make decisions you don’t always want to… that’s being a parent!

Jack80 · 01/11/2024 06:43

It looks like you have two options, have an afternoon tea so she can bring her baby or have your hen party and meet up with your friend another day.

Itssodark · 01/11/2024 06:43

I wouldn't attend a hen do when my baby was 3 months. He was breastfed and very upset if I wasn't around. That's very normal. People can't always just ask a husband or babysitter.

So I'd say sorry I can't attend and meet separately for afternoon tea where I can't bring baby.

Yanbu for thinking baby can't go on a hen do
Yabu if you expect the mum to still attend