Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

Sorry, but couldn't disagree more - everyone was genuinely fine with the children being there. (Several friends work with children anyway). They weren't a problem at all! They were engaged and joyful - not little brats. Have always been close to my nieces and involved in their lives since birth. It would have been like excluding my own children from such a special event.
Too outing to say what we did, but totally suitable for all ages involved...

Absolutely. I’ve had other people kids enforced on me and had to grin and bear it but I think so parents are oblivious to the fact other people don’t find their little darlings anywhere near as engaging as they seem to think.

I took my breastfed baby to bottomless brunch hen do. He was then picked up by dad for the evening after the bedtime feed. I think my friend appreciated my presence and he slept through most of the brunch.

She might not want to come once the baby’s here. It’s different imagining it in the abstract.

Hi op,

that was super kind to just ask first of all.

I wouldn’t change your plan for mums of young children no…hen do is no place for children except if you make it that way…but please bare in mind that if the child is sick, the mum will cancel and stay home.
3 months postpartum and first child…I would also air on the fact that she doesn’t know she will actually not want to leave baby (no offense). They already told you that babe comes first (shouldn’t be any other way).

so NO. Make YOUR plans with NO babies as you do not have any yourself. They can come alone or not come.

Good luck 🌺

A friend of mine had another friend turn up at her hen weekend with a baby....
The friend had a hissy fit at some bouncers at a night club because they wouldn't let her take the baby in.....

She couldn’t drink anyway if she is breastfeeding.
i think you aren’t being unreasonable and as a new mum i get were she is coming from too. She will probably have to miss your hen do…

I’m sorry but it sounds like she won’t be able to come. A baby shouldn’t be at a hen party, and 3 months is far too young to be leaving them in another country.
There’s just no way she can reasonably come.
(I mean I suppose she could come over with her baby and husband, and they stay in a hotel, but I think that would be a very very big ask).

You can drink moderately whilst breastfeeding.

She can express milk and leave baby behind with dad. It’s not the place for a baby

Mine would've spent it asleep and just woken for feeds. It was a grand age for going out because we could take the baby with us. When they were older it wasn't possible and many places wouldn't allow children (a babe in arms was apparently fine).

Although the percentage of mothers who are still solely breastfeeding by three months is depressingly low so you may be stressing over something that will never happen. I also found leaving Dublin with a small child required a passport for them to go to England... Your friend may find there is insufficient time to do this...

I think that the first part of the evening (maybe a meal and a drink in a pub/restaurant) before the party moves on with a baby will be easily doable. Could she maybe do that and then leave?

Mine had reflux and CMPA (which GP refused to listen to me about). He barely slept an hour a time and spent lots of it grunting, crying etc. Almost all milk feeds came straight back up all over me and anything close. Not all babies are happy snoozers.

She can't come. She doesn't really want to come with a baby, you and your guests don't really want her there with a baby! I'd say you'd be better off arranging a spa day together when the baby is a little older.

I've been to several "hen dos" where small babies came along. Although tbf this is in groups of fairly close friends where lots of us already had kids, and the dos were weekends away with more baby-friendly activities included. The (breastfeeding) mums took part but avoided the heavy drinking/ late nights.

However, it sounds like your hen is not going to be baby friendly, therefore you'll just have to say no to your friend. Also, once baby has arrived she might realise herself what a bad idea it would be. Nice she wants to make the effort but in reality probably wouldn't work at all, especially with the travelling. Babies are hard work!

She lives in another country. It’s not just a case of her leaving baby with Dad for a few hours. But I agree that the baby can’t come to the party either.

It constantly amuses me how many people completely lack self awareness

How did she ever think for a second that was a good idea!!!!

Would she be able to do any moh activities whilst in a another country plus being pregnant with her first?

You've just reminded me of my own hen weekend! I had a bunch of friends travelling to stay at my house where we had an activity planned during the day and then drinks at home before heading out in the evening. One of my friends accepted the invite, travelled half way across the country and landed with her 3 month old who was ebf. She hadn't mentioned bringing the baby at all at any point so it was all a bit odd and awkward initially - my face must have been a picture when I opened the front door!! Fortunately my DH had taken our small DC away for the weekend so I had a separate bedroom kitted out to accommodate them separately. To be honest once I'd got over the initial shock it was fine and it didn't impact the weekend as my friend stayed home for the evening activity - iit was a strange thing to do (but I appreciated her determination and effort to see me).

I am also allowing her to have the baby at the wedding (it will be 9m at that point) where we have not allowed anyone else so hopefully that takes the sting out of it.

Wow.

I had a 3 month old when it was my best friend’s hen - I didn’t go. A hen do is absolutely no place for a child and my exclusively breastfed baby couldn’t be left overnight at that stage (or for ages frankly). It was the end of our friendship, apparently she considered it to be very unreasonable. If the friendship is that special to you, make sure she knows it’s not a problem if she can’t make it.

Nope. No babies. It changes the dynamic. If its her hime town maybe she has family she can leave him with

It depends on the type of do. There was a six week old at one I threw. But we did it at a house and went retro - we got an Ann Summers rep in and did silly games and bought silly toys. The baby just snoozed next to her mum on the sofa. The mum was a good friend of the bride so the bride was happy to have a hen do arranged around having a small baby there.

Obviously a pub crawl type of hen wouldn't have worked.

You haven’t said what the hen would involve
our group of friends have had babies at hens before but usually we’ve just hired a place together and hung out during the day which was fine for babies and then some games in the evening once the babies were asleep
this has happened for more than one hen and all those that needed to come with a child have felt happy and included
and all those who wanted to have child free time etc have been fine with it as once kids were asleep it didn’t impact the activities and even if any of the kids woke up it was just down to the mum to deal with. But it meant that as a friendship group with us all being in differnt stages of life we could still bond and have a nice time together and feel included.

3 months is far too young to leave behind. A baby thst age needs his / her mummy 24/7. No way would I separate them.