Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

Women are expected to love babies and prioritise seeing and cooing over them, regardless of circumstances.

Hence why women are the ones who get browbeaten into jumping up to see Brenda and her new baby in the office whilst the men just carry on working and nobody bats an eyelid.

Hence why women who avoid partaking in the above (perhaps because they have fertility issues) are called out, but never men.

Men are never expected to even notice babies, let alone arrange their own events around them.

And unfortunately as this thread shows, it’s usually women who do this to other women.

YANBU. Hen do is no place for a baby. And you’re within your rights to not want a baby there. But you need to appreciate that means she may not come to your hen do and you can’t hold that against her - and she needs to understand that when you have a baby that young you do have to miss things like this if you can’t leave them, it is what is it. I had this with my best friend and her 4-month old at my wedding - I had a completely child free wedding and told her no (in a nice way of course) when she assumed I would bend the rules for her baby. I had to say no as we’d already had a few others ask - and tbh I just didn’t want kids there, babies or older. My hen do was a few weeks before and she didn’t even try to bring the baby - she totally understood it was no place for a baby. As we had it in my hometown, she just nipped home a few times to feed baby or went outside to express. And she left earlier than everyone else. I totally understood. The next day she told me it had been her first “night out” without baby since the birth and she’d had a fantastic time.

This is the point I’ve tried to make on this post a couple of times. A man would NEVER be questioned about not wanting a baby at his stag.

OP has said she would completely understand if her friend couldn't go, she even said she was not expecting her to go at all and was shocked when her friend said she would go :)

Same way they’re never called groomzillas if they have childfree weddings. It’s always assumed to be the bride’s decision, and because she’s a woman, her not wanting to arrange her wedding around children makes her selfish, vain, narcissistic, cold, bridezilla etc etc etc.

Again - by other women. Drives me mad!

I also hate this- women are allowed to not want children at an event, being a parent is so hard, everyone deserves a little break

Yes I think in this situation it’s unfortunately the friend not wanting to miss out on her best friend’s Hen Do (understandably) but also not able to accept that she likely just can’t go because it’s not a suitable place for a baby, and nor would the bride or other Hen party goers likely welcome a baby there!

Absolutely and even as mothers we’re entitled to want space away from our kids at times and to have some self indulgent me time without being criticised.

Youve seen the numerous threads where new fathers are off playing golf, playing football, stag weekends in Benidorm etc and barely anyone bats an eyelid. But a mum who wants a child free girls weekend - how very dare she

Tbh, I'd be really pissed off if I turned up to something that was so obviously an adults only event, such as a hen do, and someone was there with a baby.

I'd be pissed off if someone brought a baby to lunch.

I have two children and I love them both dearly and I'm a great mum. But they are not 'my world' and I've always had a life outside of them. I'm a person in my own right. Not just their mum.

I absolutely agree with the comments on here saying that women shouldn't be pressured unto having children at their grown up events. And, yes, it is always women doing the pressuring.

This is spot on!

It’s ridiculous to think she could bring a 3 month old to a hen do! You are fine to say no OP, and you clearly love and respect her a lot as well. It’s fine to want things your way on your hen, as she did on hers

I've went on a hen weekend to Bath, where one women brought her husband, 4/5 month old baby, and maybe his friend along. She was still breastfeeding. She would nip off to feed the baby. We also headed back early to the hotel for her to feed the baby on the Saturday night. My friend who's hen party it was, didn't mind. We still had a good time. I had my own 3 month old, but left him at home with my husband. That said, I don't think yabu to say she can't bring the baby. What is the activity is planned? Also, how close to the wedding is the hen?

I wasn’t the one asking AIBU. I’d read all the OP’s posts. I was replying to this bit at the end of the original post: “Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come?”.

Obviously, at 3 months and overseas, if the baby isn’t welcome to at least part of the get-together, it means the friend is effectively excluded.

I took my babies everywhere when they were young enough to sleep in a buggy: pubs, house parties, restaurants, weddings etc. My youngest was legendary for sleeping through the entirety of parties. People barely noticed they were there or that I was feeding them.

I don’t happen to agree with breastfeeding mothers being excluded from social events because they’re not welcome to bring their baby. It’s hard enough being a mother and it leaves many mothers stuck at home, isolated and depressed.

I also can’t understand excluding kids from weddings if they’re big family events. But each to their own. I guess some people don’t want kids around for some reason. And some cultures are more family-oriented than others. I used to live in a country where kids are welcome everywhere.

That's part and parcel of being a parent isn't it?
Your babies may have slept anywhere but babies are individuals, at three months some could be teething etc ,some babies scream for hours
The breat feeding mother isn't excluded she has other options ,but it's not her event and not all about her and her baby
It's a hen do a time for women to get together and relax and have fun the whole dynamic would be changed if a baby was there.

This thread has 🤯

Children of any age do not need to be involved in everything, especially on a hen do. Whether that’s at an afternoon tea or an afternoon at Ocean Beach

As there seems to be a lack of reading comprehension, the OP is not being a bridezilla and insisting the friend comes

I feel lucky that in my friendship group we realise that there will be things we can do and things we can’t when kids come along and nobody goes in a strop about it. Most people have had child free weddings and again if people can’t come they don’t and nobody from either side falls out about it

There is time for family friendly fun and time for adult only fun

As you are both originally from Bristol. Could baby stay with Granny and your friend uber back for feeds etc?

It would be one thing to bring the baby for a brunch before the hens head out to do whatever. But it would be insane to fly in from Dublin to do that. If she was local then I think there would he room for compromise.

But I have a feeling she has FOMO. Especially if her friends don't have kids. She's still in denial phase on how nothing has to change.

Because it upsets those who have left breast fed babies, paid for childcare or reluctantly left babies with grandparents. I do think children who are part of the bridal party eg: flower girls or page boys are different but with babes in arms I think it should be all or nothing. Just my opinion though.

But she doesn’t expect her to leave her baby. She’s said repeatedly she didn’t expect her to come to the hen do and completely understands if she doesn’t.

The issue is the maid of honour wants her to adapt the hen do to accommodate a 3 month old baby… which is unreasonable.

I've been to some hen dos where mums, aunts and MILs are also there and the day events have been something like a posh afternoon tea before the cocktail masterclasses etc and drinking in the evening. If you had a format like this, she could come to part of it. Not saying you should if this isn't your plan! Some also have a more low key event the morning after (eg bouquet making in one of the hen dos I sent to) which could also work for her to come and chat after spending the evening with her husband/baby.

It'll be really hard work for her though with the baby that young, esp if breastfeeding. Fair play if she makes the effort.

I wouldn't plan activities based on baby coming along because you don't want to and because very likely friend won't come. She has fomo right now, reality of travelling for hen do with 3 month old mean good chance she won't feel up to it at the time.

They may have told you they had a great time to be polite.

I agree.

I can see how people made the best of it or tolerated it for her sake but I can't imagine anyone thought, "Oh, excellent. I'm glad her nieces are coming! A hen do wouldn't be the same without 3 under 7s..."

She definitely needs telling. Who on earth would think, even for a second, that bringing a 3mo would be even remotely appropriate. And of course 3m isn’t too young to be leaving with someone. It will ruin the whole thing for everyone. She needs to sort it, or be left out. Simple as that.

People think their baby is lovely but not everyone wants to spend time with it. 🙄