To not go to a wedding of a man I've never met?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

Adult niece (in-law). Never met fiance.
I'm more than happy for my husband and daughter to attend (and quite rightly so), but personally feel one shouldn't attend a wedding/invite someone to a wedding of someone whom they have never met.
AIBU?

@DappledThings So if a member of your family said they'd buy you an expensive dress, food, coffee, hotel room, spa treatments etc for an entire weekend you would accept without question?

There is a difference between accepting what is offered to you and expecting it though. You should have a mind set of not expecting it but graciously accepting when offered.
you can look to give things back in return to stop yourself feeling bad(based on what you can afford but that doesn’t just need to be monetary things)

Why would you choose an expensive dress, and insist on having spa treatments while you are there? You don't have to eat and drink with them either to make sure they pick up the bill.

He offered to pay for a hotel room, you're a grown 44 year old woman.. he can't MAKE you do anything that you don't want to do, or any more than what he has offered.

Talk about blowing things out of proportion, it's just excuse after excuse.

No, I'd be immensely uncomfortable with a lot of it. But I would probably get over myself and accept a good chunk of it for the sake of family relations.

And nobody can buy you a spa treatment or a dress without you agreeing. You just don't go to the spa or go to a shop with them.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 I wouldn't accept such huge financial gifts. I wouldn't accept it from a husband so definitely not from a FIL! As a young woman starting out maybe I'd have felt differently, but not as a mature and working independent woman.
I know his heart is gold, but it's just not something I'm happy to take from him.

@DappledThings My husband would go to the spa and the shop gladly. As would the rest of his family. So I'd be the only one not in attendance and that raises questions.

Why can't you just be looking after your 4 year old who I assume can't go to the spa? Or say you don't want to? I've never been to a spa in my life. I don't really know what you do there and have no interest in finding out. So I'd just politely decline.

You really are just trying to find excuses for this whole wedding to not go so just don't go. But if this is your husband's relationship with his family you'll have to find another way of dealing with it rather than just not seeing them.

More questions than you being the only one not in attendance at the actual wedding?

You're being ridiculous OP. Nobody can force an expensive dress or a spa treatment upon you. If you're as independent a middle-aged Woman as you claim you simply say 'No Thank You, I've already got an outfit sorted / I don't fancy a treatment / etc and you've already been generous enough this weekend' and keep pushing the message.

The people that brought you up not to take handouts have done an absolute number on you socially, if they didn't explain the difference between 'grasping for whatever handout you can get' and 'accepting a gift that makes the giver happy'. You don't seem to think there is a difference, and there really, really is.

You're just making excuses though.

"I can't afford it."
"FIL has offered to pay."
"He shouldn't be paying for me, I'm a grown woman."
"Pay your own way then."
"I can't afford it."
"FIL is already paying for the room your husband will be sleeping in."
"I've always paid my own way" etc etc ad infinitum.

Just tell your husband you don't want to go and he'll have a better time without a plus one who would rather stick forks in her own eyeballs than attend.

Being an independent woman doesn't mean not accepting gifts or family generosity.

Ffs you're hard work

Except this this vaguely Thatcherite, holier-than-thou ‘pull yourself up by your boot straps and don’t expect handouts’ has only emerged a looong way into a thread where you’ve already said you don’t want to go to a wedding you haven’t yet been invited to because

you never met the groom
the bride is only your ‘situational’ niece by marriage
you only met your husband’s niece in adulthood
its only a courtesy invitation
they should spend the money on a house deposit or honeymoon
you think they should have the kind of wedding you had, to which an uncle’s wife wouldn’t have been invited

and now it’s

my principles will not let me accept the price of a hotel room from my FIL, who attempts to control me by buying me things, and who should be saving for a care home (just like the bride and groom, who should be saving for a house deposit. Everyone spends their money wrongly apart from you.)

A hotel room that is as yet entirely imaginary because the wedding hasn’t even been planned or a date set, but you’ve already envisioned a scenario where your FIL is paying, not just for your room, but for your wedding outfit, all food and drink and spa treatments for the whole weekend. At a wedding you haven’t yet been invited to.

OP this is such a head fuck of an approach to this family. Has anyone ever suggested you seek help for this highly problematic combination of martyr/victim/egotism that you are displaying? It is literally costing you time snd affectionate celebration with the family you joined when you married your dh and had a child with him.

All your excuses are couched in the oddest language—a kind of sullen self regard, a mixture of pride and cringing lack of confidence. You can’t graciously accept the invitation, hotel room, dress, celebration, spa, or anything that is being offered by your FIL “with a heart of gold” because why?

You really need help—this refusal to celebrate a happy occasion with your dh’s niece is really pathological at this point. Do some work on yourself to understand why you are choosing to cut yourself off from others. Life will be very lonely if you can’t bring yourself to celebrate the good times with people who are welcoming you with open arms.

@pikkumyy77 I want to pay my own way, not expect others to bail me out. If I go then I fund myself!
If others want to accept gift after gift then that is entirely their choice. As it is mine to politely decline.
We should all be entitled to make our own choices in life. Mine might be different to many - not taking my husband's name or being a Mrs - preferring to remain financially independent - not sharing bank accounts etc - but that is us.

I don't think you know what money-grabbing and paying your way mean

@MartinCrieffsLemon Taking money from people when you can and should fund yourself!

But your decision to go or not go to the wedding has got absolutely bugger all to do with money since the room you would be sleeping in is being paid for by your FIL either way. All you are doing is ensuring that he gets less value for his money.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom The issue arises when he wants to pay for everything. For everyone.

But it doesn't have anything to do with the wedding. He isn't the person who has invited you.

Why don't you stay as well you are sounding very anti social if only your husband and daughter goes. Do you like them? They may get the impression that you don't. I do feel sorry for your husband you don't sound very reasonable.

But by your own admission earlier in the thread you can't fund yourself? So in order to attend this family wedding some generosity is going to need to be accepted. If your FIL is happy to pay for a hotel room and your DH is happy to accept then you not going at all on principal is at best ridiculous and at worst downright rude.

@CheeseWisely Again, it won't stop at the hotel room.

@Youthiswastedontheyoung I don't want to be rude, but I would bet big money your in laws wish your husband had married someone who doesn't turn the kind offer to pay for a hotel room into a neverending sermon about not accepting charity in order to get out of going to a wedding. You are coming across as a right fun sponge and I bet it is exhausting for your nearest and dearest. Your daughter's life will be much more pleasant if you could make a real effort to stop doing this.

@Youthiswastedontheyoung And again, your Husband and Child accepting it but you sitting at home alone on your throne of righteousness will very likely not be seen by your FIL as a noble act designed to save him a few quid, but rather a snub to him, his generosity, the wedding and the wider family.

I'll ask again, why did you marry this Man whose life choices you don't respect, and whose family you don't consider yourself anything to do with?

This.

Maybe she wants to divorce him?