To not go to a wedding of a man I've never met?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

Adult niece (in-law). Never met fiance.
I'm more than happy for my husband and daughter to attend (and quite rightly so), but personally feel one shouldn't attend a wedding/invite someone to a wedding of someone whom they have never met.
AIBU?

If you don’t want him paying, can you pay him back? If you can’t afford that, can you (collective you ie your family) actually afford to attend this wedding?

@crumblingschools He wouldn't accept it. My husband says he'd find that offensive.

Then can you pay him for something else, so you even out contributions.

And is your DH just saying that as he is happy for his parents to pay for him and for him not to step up and earn more?

And you can carry on being difficult and ungracious like that or you can relax a bit, accept someone else's gift, improve the relationships in your life and generally be happier.

@crumblingschools I've tried that. For.example, I bought puddings at a meal out once and he kept trying to give me the cash. I wouldn't take it and said my treat as he'd paid for the meal for everyone. But then husband said I'd been 'rude" for treating him to a pudding! No way was hubby offering!

You are being controlling. I think you need to look at why you find it so difficult to accept generosity.

I used to be a bit like this when my lovely late mum in law wanted to buy things like clothes for my babies. I thought accepting this was somehow being grasping. It wasn't. I now understand that it would have given her pleasure, and that I was being selfish by denying her that. I'd love to turn the clock back

@saraclara I feel controlled not being allowed to pay my own way at 44!!!! For a £2 pudding!!

This has to be a wind up.

No 44 year old woman says 'my bad'.

@SunnyHappyPeople Whilst thou forgive me?

Why don't treat your FIL to something after the meal rather than the gesture during it where he obviously has conflicting principles to you (inexpensive if you cant afford much) to say thank you. Accept graciously and ask him to do the same. The lovely couple inviting you to their wedding.. a token gift is usually the norm. I'm sorry but you sound exhausting OP. don't think of cost, think of value?

This thread should go in Classics, it’s nuts 😂

I can’t believe people are still seriously engaging with this bollocks.

But you can't afford to pay your own way... so the point you're arguing is moot.

Honestly OP you must be a tad exhausting in real life, I'm the same age as you and my dad would always want to pay when we went out, it's not considered 'rude' of you to pay your own way when someone wants to do it for you, it's rude to make a massive song and dance about it, and act offended when everyone knows you don't have the money anyway.. it's not about control, that's just your (limited) perception of it, and I would find that quite insulting if I was your husband and you said that sort of thing about my parents who were actually just being kind.

I would often do what you do and try and give my dad money and he'd act like I've got two heads.. so I'd let him pay and try and do things instead, he would let me treat them by arrangements, or I'd cook dinners and have them round etc.

It's not a power battle, it's a generational thing, I've been out with older men at times and they are the same, but because it isn't a parental relationship I don't accept it, if you want an equal relationship/friendship I'd always insist on starting off on that foot.

I agree, @sandyhappypeople - when we pay for stuff for our adult dses, it is definitely NOT about control - we are just happy that we are able to help them out when they need it. We treat other people too - it is purely about generosity.

But I can also understand @Youthiswastedontheyoung's feelings about taking money/accepting things being paid for when she knows her PIL are not well off and maybe can't afford to be as generous as they want to be.

It’s kind of like picking a scab, though.

WTF are you talking about? I'm 70 next year and I say 'my bad'! We all live on the same planet and are subject to the same culture, you know!

I'm a 43 year old woman and I use it occasionally.. it was quite commonplace in 90s pop culture and these things tend to stick.

I'd be more likely to say it online than in real life though.

Don't be daft, @heldinadream - you know, and I know, and @SunnyHappyPeople definitely knows that everyone over 35 lives in a bubble where we are only allowed to watch Downton Abbey, the Antiques Roadshow, and reruns of the original versions of Poirot, Marple and All Creatures Great and Small - and are never, ever exposed to any popular culture whatsoever, lest we faint and require our smelling salts, followed by a nice lie-down on the chaise longue!

definitely agree, I love doing things for other people and it's nothing to do with control, in theory the older your kids get the less help they need so it must be nice to feel like you can still do things for them from time to time, I do think it's harder to accept when it's not your own parents though, but that's ops problem, her husband and in laws seem happy with it.

If she told me to save my money for a care home I'd be a lot more offended than if she just accepted it.

I do think this is a bad example though, OP has obviously accepted her FIL generosity before and her DH does all the time, digging her heels in about her 'principles' now is quite obviously another ploy to get out of going to the wedding and everyone can see that.. especially seeing as the room cost will not change if she is in it or not, her reasoning is utterly spurious.

Is this the first time you have ever come across this situation? I assume you are not young if your husband has a niece this age. It is very normal to not always know the partner of the bride or groom. You still go! Sounds like you have been living a sheltered life.

@Youthiswastedontheyoung OP, it's rude NOT to invite someones wife /husband to a wedding. I suggest that you stay at home anyway because you seem to find offense everywhere around you. I mean you are offended about being invited to a wedding because you don't know the groom, are offended in advance of FIL likely offering a meal because he offers to pay a hotel room. Offended by DH accepting gifts from his parents, by his parents offering you 100£ on your birthday instead of a 10£ voucher. You just sound like a really joyless piece of hard work who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

@Maria1979 And to me you may well across as someone who is happy to take advantage of the generosity of others.
I was taught to always earn my own wage, to not rely on others, to not expect free handouts and to provide for my family. No different to that of a man.

What on earth has all of this got to do with going to a wedding or not?

@MissScarletInTheBallroom My FIL (love him) will insist on paying for EVERYTHING for me. I'd rather pay my own way.

Accepting the generosity of a family member to attend a special occasion isn't a handout.